Choosing to have a baby - solo

ikkle87

mildred1978 wrote: »

What an idiotic thing to say. That egg and that sperm created her son. Had she got pregnant with the same guy the following month she would have had a completely different child. Having one with a different man would probably have changed his make up beyond recognition of the son she has.

I think it was more the fact she felt she'd maybe rushed to get pregnant with anyone rather than wait till she'd met someone that she regretted rather than her son. Hindsight and all that jazz. I'm sure we'd all love to be able to see the future and how picking different paths would affect us beforehand some times.

Person_one

NoLongerLurking wrote: »

Apologies if any offence caused. Note the words: 'from an evolutionary perspective' that you quoted from me. Also take into account the context of the selfishness/altruism discussion.

Nothing wrong with not wanting kids. I know several couples who haven't had children and the obnoxious questions they get off some people are, quite frankly, disgusting!

You can't really apply an evolutionary perspective to individual humans. No offence taken, but be careful with the language you choose on the subject, that's all.

ikkle87

Nolongerlurking, perhaps you could go on the ttc thread and see if the lady using a sperm donor is able to offer you any advice/share her experiences.

Tippytoes

NoLongerLurking wrote: »

Originally Posted by Tippytoes:
My darling, with all due respect, you don't have a clue. Buy a new LV handbag instead.



Lol thanks person_one! Fortunately, I came here looking for practical insights. I found a lot of those, as well as some fascinating opinions, suggestions and discussions around the whole issue of having children and single parenthood.

When Tippytoes can offer some of those, (s)he can join in the 'grown ups' conversation.

Practical insights? Never mind a child's right to know it's parents and be raised by both in a functional environment. I concede I probably shouldn't have offered my opinion on this subject. Maybe just a little too grown up....I hope (for the sake of any child you may produce) that you change tact and focus on the love and undivided attention every child deserves, rather than the "practicalities".

milliebear00001

Tippytoes wrote: »

Practical insights? Never mind a child's right to know it's parents and be raised by both in a functional environment. I concede I probably shouldn't have offered my opinion on this subject. Maybe just a little too grown up....I hope (for the sake of any child you may produce) that you change tact and focus on the love and undivided attention every child deserves, rather than the "practicalities".

Children (and adults) don't have a 'right' to know or be raised by both parents. My gandmother didn't know her dad (he was killed in the first world war). My mum didn't really know hers (he worked away constantly). Nor is it always a better scenario for them to know and be brought up by two parents. Having one great parent who meets all your needs consistently, will always be better than having two mediocre ones.

I would suggest the OP is very much appreciating that being a single parent will require her to give her love and undivided attention - I don't really understand why you are suggesting she wouldn't and therefore why she would need to 'change tack'.

ska_lover

Tippytoes wrote: »

Practical insights? Never mind a child's right to know it's parents and be raised by both in a functional environment. I concede I probably shouldn't have offered my opinion on this subject. Maybe just a little too grown up....I hope (for the sake of any child you may produce) that you change tact and focus on the love and undivided attention every child deserves, rather than the "practicalities".

I think you do have a point here. It is just the way you are putting yourself across can seem rather patronising.

I think a child does have a right and a need for both parents to be there. That is natures way, or we would be able to reproduce by ourselves.

As I said before, I was a single parent for many years, not thought choice, because my sons dad was a total jeb-end - and I would never recommend it to anyone

aliasojo

Person_one wrote: »

Of course its selfish!

People say "I want a baby", not "I feel as though I should give one of my eggs a chance of a more fulfilling life"!

Even adoption is very often a selfish decision, its still "I want a child".

I had to laugh at the eggs comment (but it is very accurate). :rotfl:

I think adoption is much less 'selfish'. In that instance you are genuinely thinking about a child who you could bring love to, give a stable home to etc etc as well as fulfilling your need to be a parent. Your focus is less centered on 'you' and more on parenthood, love and care generally.

FBaby

aliasojo wrote: »

My tuppenceworth is this..

Best case scenario for the child - 2 parent family

I would add here: 2 loving parents not together

Next best scenario - one parent

Acceptable but not brilliant scenario - children's home

My parents divorced when I was less than 2 so never experienced life as a family together, lived with my mum but had a very close relationship with my dad. I never feel I had lost out. Similarly, my kids have hardly known their dad and I together, but I've made sure their dad had a strong presence in their lives, he does, both physically and psychologically and I am pretty certain my kids are very emotionally stable. I strongly believe this is a better scenario than having only one parent.

Saying that, my partner who is as strong, stable and naturally happy natured as it gets grew up in a single parent family his dad having died when he was 2, but I don't know how much the difference between the thought of a dad who very much wanted you and enjoyed you as a baby for a couple of years before being taken away affects you compared to knowing that your never had a dad in the first place.

aliasojo

FBaby wrote: »

but I've made sure their dad had a strong presence in their lives

I strongly believe this is a better scenario than having only one parent.

Yes I agree. It's influence that is the key requirement. Not necessarily where they sleep.

daisiegg

I think this is a really tough one. I am absolutely desperate to have children and since being a small child have felt it was the main thing I wanted to do in life. I'm very lucky to be getting married next year so I will be able to do it the 'traditional' way but if I was single and viewing a limited number of fertile years ahead of me...I just don't know.

My fiance's sister is currently in the position you want to be in. She is mid thirties and has had a few long term relationships with men who didn't want children. She has always really wanted them. Last summer, she announced she was pregnant. We don't really know the circumstances, but the father is not around and wasn't even around during the pregnancy - it does seem she went out and found a bloke and got herself pregnant on purpose because she's always wanted a baby.

Well, her gorgeous son is about two months old now. And I think she had absolutely no concept of how hard it would be to do this alone. She is exhausted, unwell, teary all the time, miserable...her mum has been there for her but her health isn't fantastic and she is also incredibly stressed, tired etc and kind of feeling like her daughter put her in the position of almost needing to be a parent to an infant again, without discussing it or anything. OP, you're just assuming that your family will help you out, but do you know what this will really mean for them?

My SIL is in an ok position financially - I don't think her job is hugely highly paid but she has paid off her mortgage. Even so, she is struggling financially on maternity leave and we're not really sure how she is going to manage financially when she has to go back to work and pay for childcare.

Of course she adores her baby son but I think she had no idea of how hard it would be doing it alone. I have about three other friends who have had babies at almost exactly the same time as her, and they are all married. The difference between these women and her is startling. She looks and feels absolutely terrible and they are thriving. It can't be a coincidence - they have someone else to share waking up in the night with, someone to hold the baby while they have a shower or drink a cup of tea, etc - and she doesn't.

It's hard because I completely understand the desire to have a baby. But having seen first hand someone doing it alone, I don't think I could do it.

I've approached this all from a practical view, btw - I could talk about kids growing up without two parents, etc - I'm a teacher and see children in various different family circumstances and I know this will be an unpopular view, but the most well-adjusted, best performing, happiest, well-rounded pupils are the ones with a mum and a dad who are together. Now twenty people are going to respond saying "I'm a single parent and my child is at the top of the class and very happy and doing very well" etc and I'm sure that's true of many people. But I can only comment on what I see, and without variation in my school in particular, if you took say the 20 most 'problem' pupils - there are only three in that list who have two parents at home. It could be to do with the area we live in of course (quite privileged, the majority of my pupils do come from nuclear families, so those who din't are an exception so perhaps they have always felt more 'different' than they would if they lived elsewhere) so I'm really not trying to generalise or say that this is the case for everyone. But it is just what I see in my own experience.