partners phone never leaves his side

19lottie82

hazyjo wrote: »

Say your phone isn't working/can't get a signal/has been playing up all day [ie whatever/any of the above] and ask to borrow his phone. Anyone with nothing to hide would let you use it. I bet he doesn't even hand it over and watch you like a hawk, he'll not let you use it (unless he gets to do something on it first, like clear texts/logs).

Have it out with him there and then. There's your excuse. It's not 'normal' behaviour.

If you are allowed to use it (bet he dials the number for you), make sure you cut whoever you speak to so you have to redial them. Then you can see his dialed numbers. I bet he doesn't delete those every time he's spoken with anyone (ie 'her' if there is indeed a 'her'!).

Jx

Exactly what I was just about to post.

FatVonD

I find it quite bizarre that some people seem to be suggesting the OP is at fault for having 'trust issues', she has 'trust issues' because he has already proven in the past that he can't be trusted.

He may have only weekended/slept with the other woman when they were 'on a break' but he'd put in all the groundwork texting and phoning her while he and the OP were still together and it seems likely that he is doing the same again.

VestanPance

FatVonD wrote: »

I find it quite bizarre that some people seem to be suggesting the OP is at fault for having 'trust issues', she has 'trust issues' because he has already proven in the past that he can't be trusted.

He may have only weekended/slept with the other woman when they were 'on a break' but he'd put in all the groundwork texting and phoning her while he and the OP were still together and it seems likely that he is doing the same again.

I don't think anyone is saying she is at fault, but she does have trust issues. It's not 'normal' behavior to want to snoop on your partners phone if you trust them.

That's not to say he may not be up to something, but the fact is cheating or not there is a trust issue in the relationship.

The way I see it the second there are trust issues in a relationship that relationship is doomed. Will she ever have piece of mind about what he is doing? Who he is talking to, or texting? That sort of mental tortuture over what may be happening isn't healthy, for her or the relationship. Every call, text, night out. What's he doing? Who's he with? That's no foundation for a healthy relationship.

Their relationship sounds bizarre to me based on her messages here. She doesn't trust him and by all accounts he gets angry when confronted about this issue. Sounds like a train wreck.

FatVonD

VestanPance wrote: »

I don't think anyone is saying she is at fault, but she does have trust issues.

Justifiable trust issues!

VestanPance wrote: »

She doesn't trust him and by all accounts he gets angry when confronted about this issue. Sounds like a train wreck.

I agree, in these instances I think the messing with someone's head is actually worse than the actual cheating. The OP's partner needs to put her mind at rest (and that may mean being more open about his phone/texting history.) If he won't do that then the best thing for the OP to do would be to end the relationship and find someone worthy of her trust.

easy

VestanPance wrote: »

The way I see it the second there are trust issues in a relationship that relationship is doomed. Will she ever have piece of mind about what he is doing? Who he is talking to, or texting? That sort of mental tortuture over what may be happening isn't healthy, for her or the relationship. Every call, text, night out. What's he doing? Who's he with? That's no foundation for a healthy relationship.

Their relationship sounds bizarre to me based on her messages here. She doesn't trust him and by all accounts he gets angry when confronted about this issue. Sounds like a train wreck.

I agree with this entirely. It isn't a 'relationship' if there are closely guarded secrets (which is what his phone is), and if some matters aren't open for discussion (such as why he guards his phone so closely).

As I said earlier, DH might find it odd if I started asking him about every text or email he received, but he wouldn't get seriously angry about it.
Incidentally, my DH kept in contact with the GF he had lived with before we were married. This was something I always knew about, often he would tell me about things she had said in her emails. They had remained friends, and his friendship with her didn't exclude me, any more than our marriage excluded her from being a friend. I think this was healthy enough.
If either of us had a friendship the other didn't know about, that would be a problem.

antonia1

maybebaybe wrote: »

if its not his place to to help me with my trust issues, then someone please help me and advise me how I can regain trust in him again, as I have never been through anything like this and seriously do not know how to handle it !!

Relate offer couples counselling or individual counselling on relationship issues. It might help you to talk through all of your concerns with someone who is totally unconnected and unbiased.

I can't believe how many people on here seem to think that the best way for you to rebuild trust within your relationship is to start lying to your OH about why you need to use his phone, or to sneak around behind his back checking up on him. All that will do is damage the relationship even further when he finds out.

If he isn't prepared to do anything to help regain your trust, then you may have to accept that the relationship isn't going to work, or else resign yourself to a life of paranoia.

I mentioned yesterday that my OH went out with someone else while we were broken up for a while. Even though we were broken up when it happened he was happy to do whatever I needed to make sure I trusted him. (Turns out all I needed was for him to be prepared to do whatever I asked.) I don't think I could have got back with him if he wasn't prepared to make any effort.

jellyhead

FBaby wrote: »

Gosh, is this what it has come down to for many people, needing their phone with them 24/24, ready to read messages the second they are received, even though these are generally insignificant messages! I vaguely recall that phones do ring for a few seconds before cutting off, so having it in one's pocket at all time is not an absolute necessity unless one is totally invalid.

I'm not an invalid, but am clumsy and shaky, and I always miss the phone if it's in my bag. I don't think keeping it in my pocket makes me a bad person

maybebaybe

I would like to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to give me their views and wise words, I have taken some comfort in the fact that a lot of people are very attached to their phones, but did note that hardly anyone agreed with the fact that my oh gets angry if I try to talk to him about anything that is a problem, and I mean anything !!!

He says he dosnt like arguing of any kind so basically will not entertain any conversation that might turn into a disagreement and if I insist he states I am going on and the general reaction from him is to walk out of the house.

But thats just him I suppose !! but once again thanks to everyone.

Errata

I hope you are able to teach him the difference between an argument and a discussion. One is a symptom of an unhealthy relationship and the other one is a symptom of a healthy one.
Much depends on the kind of relationship you want and deserve.

maybebaybe

Errata wrote: »

I hope you are able to teach him the difference between an argument and a discussion. One is a symptom of an unhealthy relationship and the other one is a symptom of a healthy one.
Much depends on the kind of relationship you want and deserve.

Believe me I have tried, I would usually start with could I have a chat with you, he says fine and basically more or less as soon as I start to talk and he realises its about a problem, he shuts down or goes on the defensive.