partners phone never leaves his side

coolcait

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow wrote: »

Just because the phone is on his side of the bed doesn't mean you can't get it when he's asleep and look at it.

You sound as if your resigned to his behaviour and dare I say it, making excuses, as if you don't really want to know.

I can only repeat - if you want to know for sure you need to get that phone.

Otherwise you can carry on for years as you are now, with that horrible uncertain sick feeling underneath. I know you can carry on like that for years because i've done it.

You've had some good advise given to you on this thread. I'd suggest reading through the whole thread again as if it were someone else's thread and ask yourself what would you say.

This is like reading a modern day version of the story of Cupid and Psyche. The above sounds like the advice Psyche's sisters would have given.

Suspiria

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

My ex was like this (same with his laptop) and it turned out he was texting other women.

Same here

maybebaybe

As I said in the original post I was initially focused on how others behave with their phones, I openly said I had trust issues, these issues were caused by him with what did with his ex when we first got together and by his secret text and phone conversations he had with another woman while we were together.

We split for a few weeks ( though still saw each other ) in this split I found out that he went and spent a weekend with the woman he had been texting, he has always maintained they were just friends and he wasn't talking and texting her in front of me in case I got jealous !!

When he moved back in all this was dicussed and I asked him to help me rebuild my trust in him and the main thing was no more secret phone convo's and texting ( creating suspicion ) , he agreed said he wanted things to work out with us but it hasn't changed at all in fact it has got worse he never used to switch phone off if he was going to leave it laying around, he does now !!

As I said I have never been cheated on so never have had trust issues in my life, until now. I have also never wanted to check or look at his phone and indeed never have !!

But his actions with his phone are worrying me a great deal !! and his anger the 2 times I have asked him anything is pretty disturbing too.

Now correct me if I am wrong here, but I have trust issues caused by his actions in the first place, so surely if he really wanted things to work out and me to trust him 100% isnt it his place to help me with the trust issues not fan the flames of distrust by acting like this with his phone yet again.

if its not his place to to help me with my trust issues, then someone please help me and advise me how I can regain trust in him again, as I have never been through anything like this and seriously do not know how to handle it !!

FBaby

What did he do with his ex when you first got together then? Did he actually do something he shouldn't have and admitted it? It might come down to you thinking he did things he shouldn't have and him thinking he didn't. You see him going spending the week-end with a girl whilst you'd broken up as a form of cheating, he might see it as innocent if indeed nothing happened and you were not even together then.

All this to say that he might not agree that your insecurities are due to his behaviour, but your problem with trust and therefore that it is not up to him to reassure you because even if he does, then they will be something else to make you insecure about.

Saying that, you only mention is behaviour with his phone. Do you have any other cause of worry? Is he secretive with his computer, his time? Do you always know where he is? If not, how does he react about you asking him about his day, where he has been etc, not interrogating him but talking about eachother's days. What does your instinct tell you?

One thing of concern is the switching off the phone. Many have said here that they keep their phone with them at all time, even when sleeping, but no one has mentioned the turning it off. When does he do it?

maybebaybe

FBaby wrote: »

What did he do with his ex when you first got together then? Did he actually do something he shouldn't have and admitted it? It might come down to you thinking he did things he shouldn't have and him thinking he didn't. You see him going spending the week-end with a girl whilst you'd broken up as a form of cheating, he might see it as innocent if indeed nothing happened and you were not even together then.

All this to say that he might not agree that your insecurities are due to his behaviour, but your problem with trust and therefore that it is not up to him to reassure you because even if he does, then they will be something else to make you insecure about.

Saying that, you only mention is behaviour with his phone. Do you have any other cause of worry? Is he secretive with his computer, his time? Do you always know where he is? If not, how does he react about you asking him about his day, where he has been etc, not interrogating him but talking about eachother's days. What does your instinct tell you?

One thing of concern is the switching off the phone. Many have said here that they keep their phone with them at all time, even when sleeping, but no one has mentioned the turning it off. When does he do it?

Yes he did do something with his ex and admitted it later !! I nearly broke up with him over it at that time. But after lots of soulo searching decided to keep on with the relationship as I loved him.

Sorry gotta run now x

easy

maybebaybe wrote: »

if its not his place to to help me with my trust issues, then someone please help me and advise me how I can regain trust in him again, as I have never been through anything like this and seriously do not know how to handle it !!

You can't "regain" trust in him, it has to be rebuilt and that takes work by both of you, and a lot of time.

The only way back from this is for you to be able to talk to each other calmly about your relationship, about where you feel you are now (good things as well as bad), about what you would like to change about it, about how you would go about doing that. That must encompass everything about your relationship, not just focus on the one issue of the phone.

To do that you need to set aside a time when there are just the two of you, no interruptions or disturbances (phones turned off). I would suggest you have a 'token' of some sort which you have to be holding to speak. That stops the discussion becoming a shouting match.
He has to understand how you feel about his history, and you have to find out from him how HE feels about that.


I could go on, but no time now.

But this can only be fixed by BOTH of you wanting to fix it ... if he is hiding his phone because there is still someone else, then he doesn't want to fix it, and I'm afraid it will be irreparable.

ekkygirl

I have to be honest, I would make it my priority to see what is in that phone. Be as clever as he is being. I leave my phone for hubby to see, if he felt the need, he is not interested I borrow his phone if I cant find mine, There is no need to be so secretive unless there is something to hide. I have already founf your bloke guilty lol sorry about that:)

osian

My husband and I are totally open about phones and emails etc.

His phone is a smartphone and mine is a bog standard one so sometimes I check info on it or play games with my daughter. If a text goes off and he's not around, I read it and shout it out to him. It's usually orange or brightstuff. Similarly, if mine goes off and I'm in the kitchen or shower or something, I'll just say - 'Oh can you read that one for me'.

Emails are all set up on mozilla thunderbird so they are all open at the same time and can be seen by both of us.

His phone has a passcode, but that's just in case it gets lost or stolen. He tells me the passcode. Mine is just open as it does not have that function. He does take the phone to bed with him, but that's because he uses it as an alarm.

I always joke that if one of us were to have an affair we'd have to set up a separate phone and simcard.

OP, did you know that on the orange online account (and perhaps other networks) website, you can see all the numbers that have text or called and for how long. I think this info is there even when the text is deleted off the phone. I found it pretty useful when I was trying to work out a number of someone I had called in the past and must have deleted off my phone.

meer53

maybebaybe wrote: »

As I said in the original post I was initially focused on how others behave with their phones, I openly said I had trust issues, these issues were caused by him with what did with his ex when we first got together and by his secret text and phone conversations he had with another woman while we were together.

We split for a few weeks ( though still saw each other ) in this split I found out that he went and spent a weekend with the woman he had been texting, he has always maintained they were just friends and he wasn't talking and texting her in front of me in case I got jealous !!

When he moved back in all this was dicussed and I asked him to help me rebuild my trust in him and the main thing was no more secret phone convo's and texting ( creating suspicion ) , he agreed said he wanted things to work out with us but it hasn't changed at all in fact it has got worse he never used to switch phone off if he was going to leave it laying around, he does now !!

As I said I have never been cheated on so never have had trust issues in my life, until now. I have also never wanted to check or look at his phone and indeed never have !!

But his actions with his phone are worrying me a great deal !! and his anger the 2 times I have asked him anything is pretty disturbing too.

Now correct me if I am wrong here, but I have trust issues caused by his actions in the first place, so surely if he really wanted things to work out and me to trust him 100% isnt it his place to help me with the trust issues not fan the flames of distrust by acting like this with his phone yet again.

if its not his place to to help me with my trust issues, then someone please help me and advise me how I can regain trust in him again, as I have never been through anything like this and seriously do not know how to handle it !!

It doesn't really sound as though he's interested in helping you with your trust issues, whether he's up to something or not.

If it were me, and i only say this from my own experience, you need to confront him and ask him to show you his phone and text messages or you will leave him. He's the one who has cheated in the past, if he truly wants to help you, he shouldn't have an issue with this. If he does, it just confirms your suspicions and you have to decide whether you can live with it.

hazyjo

Say your phone isn't working/can't get a signal/has been playing up all day [ie whatever/any of the above] and ask to borrow his phone. Anyone with nothing to hide would let you use it. I bet he doesn't even hand it over and watch you like a hawk, he'll not let you use it (unless he gets to do something on it first, like clear texts/logs).

Have it out with him there and then. There's your excuse. It's not 'normal' behaviour.

If you are allowed to use it (bet he dials the number for you), make sure you cut whoever you speak to so you have to redial them. Then you can see his dialed numbers. I bet he doesn't delete those every time he's spoken with anyone (ie 'her' if there is indeed a 'her'!).

Jx