Being a minister's wife

Welshwoofs

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Well put. If you don't share his faith then I think the life of a minister's wife would be extremely demanding. Being a minister is a calling and involves both people which is very different from any other career.

By the way it's the CofS.

CofE, CofS - it's all the same outdated load of codswallop that needs to be abolished to me Torry

I'd dispute that it's a career that involves 2 people. It's his calling, not hers. He can toddle off and do 'vicary things' - why should she need to be involved at all? Again...she ain't getting paid for it and no money = no doey.

Torry_Quine

Welshwoofs wrote: »

CofE, CofS - it's all the same outdated load of codswallop that needs to be abolished to me Torry

I'd dispute that it's a career that involves 2 people. It's his calling, not hers. He can toddle off and do 'vicary things' - why should she need to be involved at all? Again...she ain't getting paid for it and no money = no doey.

The problem is though that if she doesn't share his faith how will she feel coping with the demands that it will make on him. How much she is directly involved is her choice but she will for instance have to answer the phone and have people in her home at times which may well be inconvenient.

djb215

I just wanted to throw my hat into the ring, not posted on here for a while but here goes anyway!

My Dad is a priest (C of E), my Mum has been a State Registered Nurse and Midwife (up until retiring recently due to ill health) working full time, and I have lived in vicarages/diocesan housing all my life.

I would advise you ultimately to do whatever you want in terms of involvement.

Funny story to add to this, when my parents were moving to my Dad's first parish (about a year before I was born), they were being shown around the vicarage (a big old victorian style vicarage - as a side note, anyone who thinks that this house was a joy to live in or would love to live in one of these types of vicarages, you need your head testing!) by the church wardens and a member of the Mothers' Union. They came to looking around the large lounge and it went down something like:

Mothers Union: And this is the lounge
Mum: Ok, it's a rather large room
Mothers Union: It is isn't it, the Mothers Union usually hold their monthly coffee morning in here
Mum: Oh, did they?

Because it had a large garden, apparantly the church used to use the vicarage and the garden for the summer fare. My mum AND dad said that for this final year they could use the kitchen in the house but nowhere else. Toilets would have to be used in the church or school next to it (the vicarage was across the road from the church).

My Mum can't arrange flowers to save her life, or bake, make jam, knit, sew, host coffee mornings or be involved in church committees. If you're in labour though i'll send her your way!

Aside from my ramblings, you should be as much or little involved as you wish to.

Also stand your ground or be as open as you like with the use of your home, with the exception of the study as your OH will have to conduct parish business there unless there is a dedicated office elsewhere. You do not have to open up the use of your home if you do not wish to. In our family we have always had the view that it is our home first and a workplace second.

Getting calls on the doorstep and perhaps being an unpaid PA taking messages etc will come with the territory. One key thing to remember though: NEVER give out money on the doorstep. Many have tried, all have failed. People will try allsorts and assume because you live in a vicarage you will give anything.

I can't think of anything else specific to add, but feel free to PM me if you like!

Hope this helps, somehow!

barbarawright

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

some lovely interactions, and some really strong 'anti' ones too. As there were when they had a woman vicar. It may 'only' be a drama, but there's a lot of truth.

BTW I thought Usha was Hindu, not muslim.

She is definitely a Hindu. I know it's fiction and also C of E not C of S, but apparently they did some research based on real mixed vicar marriages. I remember her being interviewed by Bishop Cyril about her beliefs and whether she would be willing to get involved in church events. Presumably you'd be spared that ordeal?

(BTW, I think Usha should have just kept quiet :rotfl:)

churchrat

Torry_Quine wrote: »

The problem is though that if she doesn't share his faith how will she feel coping with the demands that it will make on him. How much she is directly involved is her choice but she will for instance have to answer the phone and have people in her home at times which may well be inconvenient.

I do not share any part of my husbands faith, and we seem to be managing ok.

If I am anything, its probably Humanist, although I have not really ever thought of myself as belonging to any group because of my moral out look.

I answer the phone for my oh, take messages, keep his diary, that sort of thing but have nothing at all to do with the religious side of parish life. I do attend services sometimes--if it is important for family reasons. When I married oh I knew that he had a strong faith and he knew that I had none, but we did promise to support each other forever, so thats what I do.

And its by no means a one sided relationship. I have learnt and received a great deal from the church. I have met some fantastic people who have become good friends over the years. (also met some really awful ones and I have been known to hide in shops when I see them coming--most embarrassing if they see me and follow me in and ask what I'm horse I am going to bet on). I have had my world view challenged and been made to look at life in different ways. Sometimes I envy the serenity and sense of belonging that those who believe have and at other times I cant believe how gullible they seem. For his part, my oh supported me when I decided that I couldn't face being a nurse any more and retrained for work in the criminal justice system. Swings and roundabouts.

None of our children have followed oh either, although one does believe in god, but is not Christian.

Nothing is quite as black and white or clear cut as those who are not part of the system seem to think. As an atheist wife of a CofE Rev I have met nothing but politeness from those inside the church. I do not know much about the CofS but dont think it could be very different.

I am sure that you will work this out. He will pray about it and you will think about it and ask loads of people what they think (well, that what we did.) If you do decide to go along this path be prepared for everything changing.

good luck

churchrat

Torry_Quine

Churchrat thanks for that. It really does both shock and surprise me. I don't mean to insult in any way and you sound like a lovely person but personally I wouldn't be happy with a church leader whose spouse was not a Christian.

churchrat

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Churchrat thanks for that. It really does both shock and surprise me. I don't mean to insult in any way and you sound like a lovely person but personally I wouldn't be happy with a church leader whose spouse was not a Christian.

hello again

May I ask if you are mainstream cofe Torry? My oh is a very liberal person, which is obviously reflected in the way he practises his faith. I do know, however, that he would not always be the first choice of some of the more evangelical of parishes.

I know of many spouses who are not christian (male or female), and one or two who are agnostic/ atheist. I am curious about how you would know what the spouse personally believes if they do not attend services?

By the way--the fact that you are shocked and surprised surprises me!!!

churchrat

Torry_Quine

churchrat wrote: »

hello again

May I ask if you are mainstream cofe Torry? My oh is a very liberal person, which is obviously reflected in the way he practises his faith. I do know, however, that he would not always be the first choice of some of the more evangelical of parishes.

I know of many spouses who are not christian (male or female), and one or two who are agnostic/ atheist. I am curious about how you would know what the spouse personally believes if they do not attend services?

By the way--the fact that you are shocked and surprised surprises me!!!

churchrat

I'm in Scotland so not CofE. One of the reasons I'm unhappy with the CofS is some of the liberal views and sadly this thread has done little to dispell those thoughts.

To be honest it would ring warning bells to me if the spouse didn't attend church. The kind of things discussed after a service for instance such as books read or CDs listened to and favourite worship leaders would be very big clues as to someone's belief.

tea_lover

I'm finding this thread fascinating. I've known lots of vicars/ministers over the years (male and female) and their partners and spouses have had a variety of beliefs. From being actively involved in ministry themselves, to being an aetheist and never attending any services... and most stages in between.

I honestly can't think of one occasion where the partner's beliefs (or lack of) has been an issue to any of the congregation.

Torry - I hope you don't find me rude for asking but I'd love to know what it is that would bother you if a minister's spouse wasn't a believer? Feel free not to answer of course if you'd rather not.

lostinrates

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I'm in Scotland so not CofE. One of the reasons I'm unhappy with the CofS is some of the liberal views and sadly this thread has done little to dispell those thoughts.

To be honest it would ring warning bells to me if the spouse didn't attend church. The kind of things discussed after a service for instance such as books read or CDs listened to and favourite worship leaders would be very big clues as to someone's belief.

Why? Cds and book choices etc do not necessarily indicate belief but open mindedness, challenge to ones self, or reaffirmation of ones position. There are pleanty of things every one can enjoy too, classical music, classic literature.....no presupposition of faith or lack thereof.

Also, if someone had a powerful call after marriage would you think they should divorce and find a partner whose belief was the same but who might be less supportive of the career?