Being a minister's wife

System

BTW which church did you attend? Was it the 'Wee Free' by any chance?

No it was a baptist church. I vowed i'd never set foot in another church after i left. Too many rules and regulations and not enough room for free will.

Like i said, i struggled with headcovering, was suggested to me that i toned down my makeup oh and then there was the Sunday Service.... hubby had started working away and i only saw him for 2 days a week. Occasionally i wouldnt go to the Sunday service and i'd get the usual phonecall reminding me my duty to God came before my duty to my husband.

I couldnt be arsed with it as i was being pulled in all directions so i left.

lostinrates

Judi wrote: »

No it was a baptist church. I vowed i'd never set foot in another church after i left. Too many rules and regulations and not enough room for free will.

Like i said, i struggled with headcovering, was suggested to me that i toned down my makeup oh and then there was the Sunday Service.... hubby had started working away and i only saw him for 2 days a week. Occasionally i wouldnt go to the Sunday service and i'd get the usual phonecall reminding me my duty to God came before my duty to my husband.

I couldnt be arsed with it as i was being pulled in all directions so i left.

Its a shame to write off all churches on thios experience if you have belief. In fact, its potentially as closed minded as the people who tutted at you for not covering your head. Different churches within different denominations all have a subtly different approach.

Fwiw, i have been to churches in many different places, mainly Catholic but sometimes protestant and have never been made feel unwelcome by what i wore, they might have all had a gossip, sure, but nothing mean that i knew about.

Torry_Quine

arbroath_lass wrote: »

Am I the only one to think you shouldn't be attending services if you are not Christian. Not for your reasons. I'd have more respect for someone who was true to their own beliefs. But what do I know - I'm not Christian.

I'm not having a go at the OP she sounds like a lovely woman and an extremely supportive wife. I'm sure in the right parish her husband's parishioners will love her anyway, without the pretence.

Of course you should attend church if you aren't Christian. How else do people find out about what being a Christian means?

Gloomendoom wrote: »

I think your idea of church life is definitely not the same as everyone else's. Doormat indeed!

I am a member of our local C of E church and have attended services at many others. There was no expectation for ladies to wear hats at any of them. They can if they want to. Mrs G has attended church services hatless, wearing a mini skirt and six inch heels. She hasn't been turned away or excommunicated yet.

Thinking of my church yesterday in the sunshine. Lots of shorts, short skirts and t-shirts and that includes the leaders!

Judi wrote: »

No it was a baptist church. I vowed i'd never set foot in another church after i left. Too many rules and regulations and not enough room for free will.

Like i said, i struggled with headcovering, was suggested to me that i toned down my makeup oh and then there was the Sunday Service.... hubby had started working away and i only saw him for 2 days a week. Occasionally i wouldnt go to the Sunday service and i'd get the usual phonecall reminding me my duty to God came before my duty to my husband.

I couldnt be arsed with it as i was being pulled in all directions so i left.

Seems a shame to stay away from church alltogether because of the experience you had in one.

Other than the wee frees, it's unusual to expect women to wear hats.

While God should be the most important thing in your life as a Christian your husband is very important and God understands it's important to spend time together.

Savvy_Sue

I was asked to remove my hat once: it was a fantastic peaked denim cap with a 'Jesus Loves You' sticker at the front. And about 60 other badges covering the rest of it ...

It was suggested to me in Southwark Cathedral that it might be 'distracting' if I kept it on while I carried the elements for communion to the front.

Huh. No-one in my local parish ever complained!

Newly_retired

Whatever the parishioners "expect", you don't have to oblige. You are not an unpaid member of the church staff. Do as much or as little as you wish.
But people will assume you are a Christian if you attend services.

But as some others have said, regardless of your beliefs or lack of them, do not underestimate how it will take over your lives at so many levels. Days off will have to be booked into your joint dairies and abandoned. However far in advance you book your holidays it will be the wrong time- he will end up missing something vital and never be forgiven. If he is one who likes to talk over the events of the day then after the church council/ elders meeting you will have to hear so many trivial issues chewed over- repeats of the arguments about the flower / coffee rota, the car park, the notice board, the hymns, ......
People will ask you " what are you doing for Christmas?" and the answer is of course DH is working, then he will collapse into a heap and sleep for the rest of the week after a non-stop round of carol serices and home communions for the house-bound.
He may insist on wearing his dog-collar at what you consider quite inappropriate occasions.

On the other hand, if you can go along with all the side issues, you will have a ready-made set of friends, all sorts of contacts for plumbers, cleaners, cake-bakers etc, a full diary of church/ village events.

However much you find out about it in advance the reality will be different and probably harder than you could ever have imagined.
But you sound as if you can take it in your stride.

Welshwoofs

scottishlass72 wrote: »

I would be willing to do things like: go to church, help with car boot sales, run a food bank, help needy families, campaign for LBGT rights within the church, help with youth groups, run environmental awareness campaigns, etc. If it turns out that I won't be working full-time (something we're considering) then I could obviously do more.

Would you be paid for doing that? If not, then why on earth would you do so if you're not a Christian? There's a difference between supporting his career choice and being an unpaid skivvy for the CofE in my opinion.

If it were me, my support would extend to supporting his choice in career, but no way on earth would I be putting my precious time into helping out the church just because my husband/partner chose to be a ruddy vicar!

thehappybutterfly

I've just finished an amazing book on Kindle called "This Fine Life" by Eva Marie Everson. It's written in the first person and it's the story of a young woman whose new husband entered the seminary to become a preacher and how she coped. She was brought up around church and came from a religious family, schooling etc but she never felt she belonged, had never found God.

OK, it's set in the 1960's in the state of Georgia but the essence is there. It might not help but it's a brilliant relevant read.

Good luck!

Torry_Quine

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Would you be paid for doing that? If not, then why on earth would you do so if you're not a Christian? There's a difference between supporting his career choice and being an unpaid skivvy for the CofE in my opinion.

If it were me, my support would extend to supporting his choice in career, but no way on earth would I be putting my precious time into helping out the church just because my husband/partner chose to be a ruddy vicar!

Well put. If you don't share his faith then I think the life of a minister's wife would be extremely demanding. Being a minister is a calling and involves both people which is very different from any other career.

By the way it's the CofS.

Mrs.W_2

The church I attend is CofE. Sorry, I've no experience of CofS.

Our previous vicar was a woman. Her husband and family rarely attended services. They were a very private family, preferring not to be a part of the church community. Everyone accepted that as their right. Even, eventually, the 'tutting brigade' (a gang of four Ladies who don't like children in the church during Sunday Service - a baby cries, and they 'tut'. Loudly.:D)

Our current vicar is a married man. His wife is supporting him and quite involved in church activities while she's at home with their very young child. When she returns to her career that will change.

Every church has wardens. They ought to be able to cope with all aspects of the churchs' daily life and functions. Ours did during the year we were without a vicar after an unexpected event.

OP, you sound wonderfully equipped to adapt and enrich the future path you and your OH may follow. Wishing you every happiness.

mama4321

As a C of S minister's wife myself, can I say it is entirely up to you how much you are involved if at all. As with any other job it is your husband who is going for it, and they will not be allowed to ask about you.

As for where you eventually work, it is again like any other job - your husband will respond to the job adverts he is interested in. You would presumably look at congregations with ideas in line with your own - some of the very traditional Highland and Islands churches may not be a good fit!
There are many vacant charges at present.
I don't know how much say you have in Probationary placements, but again I would imagine they look for a good match.

You will not be required to wear a hat, bake scones, deal with visitors to the manse etc.. unless you choose to.
Many minister's wives have their own full time careers.
You will not be required to lead prayers, take part in worship, or lead the Women's Guild unless you choose to (some churches may have an expectation particularly re the Guild, but you just decline gracefully).

The guidance for nominating committees is

In relation to the issue of Act V 2007 Anent Discrimination, you should remember that you are seeking to Call a minister and this means that you must respect the right of the minister’s spouse and family to be as much, or as little, involved in the life of the congregation as they choose. It is not permissible to ask what will be the involvement of the minister’s spouse or family. It may be relevant to ask about the candidate’s hobbies, means of relaxation and personal support systems, and this in its own way may lead to a natural conversation about the candidate’s situation. Otherwise, if this is not volunteered, it is not appropriate to ask such direct questions.

Hope that helps.:)