Issues with the in laws...

meritaten

msnigella - They have invited themselves into your home - that puts you in a position of power doesnt it?
Your house Your rules! and you need to agree with OH what those rules are going to be!
for instance - They treat you with respect or they find themselves out of the door! and you do NOT let things slide - YOU are the mistress of the house and as such they WILL play nice!
you dont expect hugs and kisses - but you DO expect politeness and good manners!
Put your foot down hun - you never know, you may be pleasantly surprised and they have arranged this so that THEY can build bridges!
If not, then I would be armed with the details of the local Premier Inn!

FBaby

How long had you be together before you got engaged? How come you never tried to meet with them before the announcement? Could this have offended them?

Personally, I could see how this could possibly have been the start of it all, that their son had decided to marry someone he didn't deem necessary for them to meet first but then expect to show up at the wedding. It is a bit rude for a son they are supposedly close to.

My boy is only 9, so a long way to go, but if he announced one day that he was marrying someone out of the blue, having not bothered to introduce her first, I would feel pushed away and snobbed even if living abroad, unless we are talking Australia-like and very expensive. Did he even told them he was going to ask someone they didn't know to marry him or was it a case of 'by the way mum and dad, I'm getting married to a stranger'.

barbiedoll

OP, if I were you, I'd be having a word with SIL. Perhaps start by telling her that you will not be ignored in your own home and if she thinks that she will be spending time with her parents in your house, she will need to start learning some manners and showing some respect.
Also, tell her that you know that she has been spreading malicious lies about you and it stops now. Inform her that she is a stupid little girl who needs to grow up and move on.

Then....call your PIL, introduce yourself (politely!) and ask them outright if they are planning to stay in your home during their Christmas holiday. Tell them that you normally make plans over the Christmas break but that you are more than willing to accommodate them for the duration of their stay and tell them to let you know if they want any particular outings arranged. Make it clear that you are in charge, you are doing them a favour and that you are not going to spend your holiday as a waitress, cook and housekeeper. Be nice, courteous and as friendly as you can manage, goodness only knows what they have heard from SIL, so give them a good first impression! And don't fret too much, at worst you will have 7 days of hell, they live a nice long way away so hopefully it won't be happenning too often. Good luck!

anguk

FBaby wrote: »

How long had you be together before you got engaged? How come you never tried to meet with them before the announcement? Could this have offended them?

Personally, I could see how this could possibly have been the start of it all, that their son had decided to marry someone he didn't deem necessary for them to meet first but then expect to show up at the wedding. It is a bit rude for a son they are supposedly close to.

My boy is only 9, so a long way to go, but if he announced one day that he was marrying someone out of the blue, having not bothered to introduce her first, I would feel pushed away and snobbed even if living abroad, unless we are talking Australia-like and very expensive. Did he even told them he was going to ask someone they didn't know to marry him or was it a case of 'by the way mum and dad, I'm getting married to a stranger'.

I agree with this. I find it very odd that the son didn't take you to meet his parents before you even got married, I know they live abroad but you could have gone over for a holiday or something? Have the parents never been back to this country at all over the last few years?

Does your husband have much contact with his parents, phone calls emails etc?

Summerstage

I feel for you, not a very nice situation to be in.

If it were me, I would understand that I would have to grit my teeth and try to build bridges, but I would certainly not have them staying at my home.

In such a delicate situation, much better for them to stay in B&B or Hotel, meet up for days/meals out etc..but in the knowledge that you can return to the safe haven of your home if need be.

I do wonder at them just announcing they are staying with you...families are such strange things...she sounds as though she could be very domineering and your DH has learned over the years to be submissive to her??

No matter what they may have heard, or even their own feelings, no "normal" people wanting to make amends would just state they are staying with you without asking first.

To end, I guess it is up to you what you decide to do, I will say this though, only agree to them staying if you can do it graciously...or you may end up looking the bad one (I know I couldn't manage to do that). You have the right to feel comfortable in your own home.

Good luck x

desert_rose

Totally agree. A week is a long time in family relationships, particularly if there's any bad feeling or unfinished business lurking in dark corners.

I'd put my foot down and invite them for a weekend (its easier to cope with a couple of days) rather than a whole week. If it goes well, then maybe offer to extend the visit next time.

We stayed with family for a week's 'holiday,' several years ago and ended up booking into a hotel after a few days as a certain partner of our grown up son went out of her way to make us feel unwelcome.

I'm not saying you'd do that, but the stresses and strains of being in the company of people you don't have much in common with can lead to relationships worsening rather than improving. And loyalties being strained too....

Bitsy_Beans

Wow OP you're a better person than me. If my in laws had refused to come to the wedding and actually paid for his ex wife and kids to travel out to see them instead I may not sure I'd ever let them over the threshold of my home. I can't believe people are suggesting it's not personal.......it IS personal when they are picking the ex wife over you.
Your H is being unreasonable and sticking his head in the sand to avoid a problem. I confess I can't see a week with them staying going very unwell unless he's prepared to publicly back you if they start.

jetplane

If they want to build bridges then there are easier ways to start and I would be suggesting this to your husband. There is plenty of time before xmas. Otherwise as others have mentioned, I would suggest they book themselves into a hotel or travel lodge and you invite them for a meal, your husband can arrange to see them as often as he likes.

I'm not sure how long you have been together but in this situation there is no way I would have my husbands family in my house, never mind the week before xmas. Good grief inlaws you love can be a pain in the arris for a week, it could be disastrous. It sounds to me like they need a cheap place to stay.

However, like summerstage I wonder are his parents domineering and is everyone afraid to say no? Your husband is making excuses not to confront them. Has his ex wife had any choice in the matter? Maybe she has also been told they will be staying? Lordy she may even have been summonsed to their home for a holiday so they could see their grandchildren. Could his family have anything to do with the break up of his first marriage?

Sorry but there is no way I would spend time with people who had pointedly ignored me never mind spread lies.

duchy

I find it quite incredible that after three years of marriage plus however long before the wedding you were together your husband never took you to visit his parents. It seems to me that the distance he put between himself (and therefore you) and his parents is odd and either they aren't as close as you imagine (and may not have been when he was married before -before grandchildren came along-and in fact they are paying to see the grandchildren not the ex visit them)

His sister just sounds ike an immature and jealous cow-who yes has probably been stirring the pot.

Could you not visit them on their home ground this summer first -and then if arrangements in your home need to be changed there is time -but hopefully you'll all like each other far more than you expect to and will be looking forward to December.

missprice

I think that you need plenty of excuses as to why they cant stay at all/the full week/part of a week/the weekend.
personally I would be tempted to go for the new bathroom being installed that week and if you have a spare that one too is being decorated. plus the new sofa is delayed so there is nowhere to sit. or the oven/hob has a problem and you will be unable to cook until its repaired/replaced or even just say no you dont want them there but that can be hard to actually say:)