Issues with the in laws...

msnigella

OH at first was upset with their behaviour towards me, now he tends to make excuses for them. He thinks it's ok for them to ignore me 'because they don't know me- they've met the ex so of course they ask after her / call her / email her / send cards / pay for her to go on holiday with them'.

It is hard to forgive because choosing to miss our wedding isn't something that can be undone. And they've made no effort to build bridges at all.

OH didn't invite them, they arranged it all with his ex then told him their plans and assumed they would be welcome to stay with us. It's been planned for about a month now and still nothing from them. Maybe an email or something to break the ice would have been nice.

I'm most dreading the thought that if they're staying with us his sister will be around all the time. The last time she came to my home I made my excuses to go out and left in tears. She'd been so rude but in a sly way so OH was oblivious and thought I was over reacting.

She's his younger sister and I've heard from others that she's always been jealous of him so I think that may be part of the problem. She also told a lot of lies to me and mutual friends about her family - just silly thinks like bragging about how rich her parents were. I guess when OH and I got serious she probably realised I'd find out she had been lying which would be reason enough to be unhappy about the relationship developing.

I'll make sure I'm very 'busy' that week - it's the week before Christmas so actually I really will be! Not an ideal time to have visitors!

msnigella

My relationship with his ex is fine and I get on well with the kids. She's bringing up their kids and is doing a great job so I don't have a bad word to say about her. They live 300 miles away so I don't see them a great deal.

One strange thing is that they never really got along with his ex until OH and I got engaged. And if i'm honest with myself it's been easy to see this sudden friendship as a dig at me. Obviously they're making a huge effort towards her in an effort to see more of their grandkids. I just wish they could make an effort towards both of us I guess.

POPPYOSCAR

msnigella wrote: »

OH at first was upset with their behaviour towards me, now he tends to make excuses for them. He thinks it's ok for them to ignore me 'because they don't know me- they've met the ex so of course they ask after her / call her / email her / send cards / pay for her to go on holiday with them'.

It is hard to forgive because choosing to miss our wedding isn't something that can be undone. And they've made no effort to build bridges at all.

OH didn't invite them, they arranged it all with his ex then told him their plans and assumed they would be welcome to stay with us. It's been planned for about a month now and still nothing from them. Maybe an email or something to break the ice would have been nice.

I'm most dreading the thought that if they're staying with us his sister will be around all the time. The last time she came to my home I made my excuses to go out and left in tears. She'd been so rude but in a sly way so OH was oblivious and thought I was over reacting.

She's his younger sister and I've heard from others that she's always been jealous of him so I think that may be part of the problem. She also told a lot of lies to me and mutual friends about her family - just silly thinks like bragging about how rich her parents were. I guess when OH and I got serious she probably realised I'd find out she had been lying which would be reason enough to be unhappy about the relationship developing.

I'll make sure I'm very 'busy' that week - it's the week before Christmas so actually I really will be! Not an ideal time to have visitors!

I think most people would agree that their behaviour is totally wrong but it depends on what you want the future to be like.

I would not let his sister drive me from my home, I would not give her the satisfaction. The best way to deal with bullies and the like is to ignore them and let them see that they do not have the power to get to you.

Perhaps when they are staying, both your OH and yourself can express to them your unhappiness at what has happened in the past and discuss it with them.

I do not think being busy and keeping out of their way is the answer if you want to develop a relationship with them.

sassyblue

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Perhaps the best way forward is to make sure that you have other appointments/commitments for the days they are in your home so that you are not stuck cheek by jowl with them 24/7. If the atmostphere is tense, you have already built in an acceptable escape route. If you find that you all get on like a house on fire, then your 'arrangement' was unfortunately cancelled ....

Excellent advice. I think you need to have some plans in place for their visit....

If SIL comes over and is rude to you, just stay looking at her a bit longer than is usually neccesary - it will tell her you KNOW what she's doing but aren't rising to it.....

Have it in your head that they are going to be ignorant and that it's going to be a trial - anything other than that and it's a blessing and you'll think it went better than you thought... Better that way than thinking it's going to be a success and being let down. :cool:

kazwookie

Have to emailed the parents yourself, along the lines of

Hi xxx & xxx

I am so looking forward to meeting you in December and getting to know you.............blah blah blah

Do you ring and speak to them say once a month or so?

If not maybe you should, or skype with them.

You start the ball rolling, / offer the olive branch etc.

Same with the sister, invite her round etc.

At least then hand on heart you can say you have tried.......

Good luck

londonsurrey

I've had difficult in-laws for nearly two decades.

After years of trying to please and play nice, the only time I made any real progress was when I finally, with the help of my brutally straightforward friend, started labelling things as they were, and not allowing space for excuses.

And especially important was not allowing my husband to make excuses for their bad behaviour. He could make them, e.g. "Well, it's only because...", but I'd stop enabling it by stating firmly "It's not pleasant, she's been told that to stop doing that".

The way these passive aggressive bullies get away with things is by counting on the "victim" not rocking the boat. For instance, my MIL would backstab constantly, then sweetly expect hugs and kisses. I told her I didn't want to hug and kiss her. She would push the issue, by asking for them at the beginning and end of visits in front of everyone.

What she didn't expect was for the worm to turn, and instead of making a scene, just say firmly, "I'm sorry, I told you I don't want to" and look at her straight in the eye.

What I didn't expect was for a SIL to then come up to me and breathlessly say "You're so brave. I wish I could do that".


The reason why I bring up my experiences is to illustrate that you can't control what they do, but you can do your bit to stop perpetuating the lie.

Depending on your husband's personality, you might consider getting him to discover some testosterone by pointing out his sister's remark of never forgiving you for getting involved with him, and how she obviously thinks she has bigger cajones than him to think that she has a right to decide who he sleeps with!

paddy's_mum

msnigella wrote: »

DH announced last night that his parents are planning on coming to the UK for Christmas this year. They have decided that they will stay with us for a week

His parents have never spoken to me, never sent an email or a card for engagement, wedding, birthday, buying our house.


I suggested to DH that it might be best for everyone if they stay with his sister instead but he thinks I'm being mean.

so much has gone on in the last few years

The more I think about this, the more I believe that the whole tribe of in laws are taking you for a fool!

By what right do the PIL 'decide' anything regarding a property belonging to/the home of another person that they have treated so contemptuously? If they have thought so little of you over the years, why wouldn't they themselves opt to go to a b & b? Are they too stupid to grasp that they have 'earned' not one iota of your respect or consideration?

Don't accept what they are so willingly handing out. Let them go to their daughter's house and your husband go there to visit them - you've been pushed out for years so what's the difference this year?

I would be having very firm words indeed with my husband! Did he even bother to say to them 'just let me check with Nigella and I'll get back to you'? If he didn't, then he should expect you to refuse to lay down for him, his sister and his parents to wipe their feet on whenever THEY choose - outrageous!

I'd stop 'suggesting' and start putting the burden back on him. He wants his parents there, without consultation or any breaking of the ice or proffering of an olive branch or the most basic, even if inept, attempt to put things on a more civil footing? Okay, hubby - then you do the cleaning, the extra bed making, the shopping, cooking, etc etc etc and I'm afraid I'd be out 18 hours a day, caring for a sick grandma or child-minding my nieces or ill in bed myself with something wonderfully short-lived but highly infectious!

While I agree that it takes two parties to build bridges, with this amount of history, I can forsee that once they have inflicted themselves upon your home, with the completely insensitive connivance of your husband, you will have them descending on you whenever they decree that you are their doormat for years, perhaps decades, to come. Hubby needs to wake up and recognise the smell of cow pat and aid any reconciliation by standing up to them and putting your feelings first.

Upset!? In your shoes, I'd be raving and heads would be rolling! :mad:

londonsurrey

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Okay, hubby - then you do the cleaning, the extra bed making, the shopping, cooking, etc etc etc and I'm afraid I'd be out 18 hours a day, caring for a sick grandma or child-minding my nieces or ill in bed myself with something wonderfully short-lived but highly infectious!

Excellent point. I'd have never spotted that one!

pimento

msnigella wrote: »

OH didn't invite them, they arranged it all with his ex then told him their plans and assumed they would be welcome to stay with us. It's been planned for about a month now and still nothing from them. Maybe an email or something to break the ice would have been nice.

They're got some nerve. They'd be staying at my house over my dead body.

londonsurrey

You could develop an interest in the community. Offer the spare room as temporary digs to a fireman trying to move into the area. So civic minded, and your OH would be just being mean to begrudge help to such worthy people.