Issues with the in laws...

Mojisola

msnigella wrote: »

OH at first was upset with their behaviour towards me, now he tends to make excuses for them. He thinks it's ok for them to ignore me 'because they don't know me- they've met the ex so of course they ask after her / call her / email her / send cards / pay for her to go on holiday with them'.

OH didn't invite them, they arranged it all with his ex then told him their plans and assumed they would be welcome to stay with us. It's been planned for about a month now and still nothing from them. Maybe an email or something to break the ice would have been nice.

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Upset!? In your shoes, I'd be raving and heads would be rolling! :mad:

I can see why people are suggesting that you play the nice card but I don't think I could go along with this. I'm with paddy's mum on this. I would be furious with my OH if he hadn't said he needed to check with me!

These people - who have done nothing to get to know their son's wife - have decided to come and live with you for a week! They haven't even had the decency to ask if it's alright or to contact you directly!

paddy's_mum

msnigella wrote: »

OH at first was upset with their behaviour towards me, now he tends to make excuses for them. He thinks it's ok for them to ignore me

OH didn't invite them, they arranged it all with his ex then told him their plans and assumed they would be welcome


OH was oblivious

In my opinion, you need to do some serious talking with your husband. He needs to develop some spine! He's been lazy, way too placating and by refusing to say 'stop with this poor behaviour', he has actively encouraged them to go on treating you with an extraordinary amount of disdain and contempt. How have you put up with it for so long?

Your husband DID invite them simply by failing to ask your consent and by just agreeing to whatever they ordered him to do! He might just as well try to kid you that lying-by-omission is being honest!

Your husband has no right to be oblivious unless of course he is looking forward to the divorce courts a few years down the line.

I'm quite sure that your husband won't enjoy being forced to look at his own conduct but here's your clincher. Just state that your PIL can assume that you will be as welcoming to them as they have been to you. Where's any unfairness in that? It's not a case of tit for tat - it's the biblical do as you would be done by and thus entirely fair and reasonable.

Good luck and hope a sensible discussion between the two of you can sort things out to everyone's satisfaction.

POPPYOSCAR

OP What do you want to happen in the future?

Do you want a relationship with them or has it gone past that for you now?

FBaby

Do you oh speaks to them regularly or once in a while? could it be that he digested they stayed over directly to them or to his sister but not admitted to you because he knows you'll tell him off?

It sound to me like you've all grown awkward with each other reading behind the lines and acting defensive. Why not use this opportunity to make a special effort to welcome them and break the ice? If at the end of it you haven't managed out than you might as well forget it. As for the ex it it's a separate issue. They have a right to have a relationship with her if they chose to that doesn't mean you can't build on yours.

msnigella

My OH isn't refusing to stand up to them, unfortunately he just doesn't see it as I do. They're his parents so of course he only sees the best in them, he thinks I'm being oversensitive by feeling snubbed by them and doesn't think they've been rude at all.

I am in two minds if I want a relationship with them at all. Part of me feels they bring nothing to my life and live thousands of miles and have snubbed me for three years so I could be happy to never meet them and have nothing to do with them. But I don't want to do that to my husband or any children we may have.

I would like if they would just offer an olive branch and feel I could put this all behind me if they did. But I don't really feel that I should be the one to repair this situation, which was not of my making.

Caroline_a

Just a thought - could all this have been caused by the SiL telling lies about you?

paddy's_mum

msnigella wrote: »

he thinks I'm being oversensitive by feeling snubbed by them and doesn't think they've been rude at all.

Then, on this basis, it must surely be perfectly okay in his eyes if you treat them in exactly the same fashion?

It's time this man had a taste of do-as-you-would-be-done-by!

Have you thought to have a quiet chat with the ex-wife about what might be the best way (in her view) to handle this since she at least will view them without the rose tinted spectacles and it may be that she has had some similar experience with them. I find it hard to believe that this is all new behaviour.

msnigella

Caroline_a wrote: »

Just a thought - could all this have been caused by the SiL telling lies about you?

Yes, unfortunately I think it could be.

londonsurrey

msnigella wrote: »

My OH isn't refusing to stand up to them, unfortunately he just doesn't see it as I do. They're his parents so of course he only sees the best in them, he thinks I'm being oversensitive by feeling snubbed by them and doesn't think they've been rude at all.

He is actually refusing to stand up to them, by refusing to acknowledge the true picture.

There are social conventions, such as parents attending a child's wedding, meeting the child's spouse, acknowledging the spouse in some manner.

Assiduous lack of adherence to these conventions, unless pleading mental incapacity or physical illness, IS spelling loud and clear that they are snubbing you.

The reason why cards and letters exist is to fill in for physical/time limitations that prevent attendance of every event. The refusal to send even ONE card/letter over YEARS is shouting out a stance.


So no, it gets to a stage where he can't claim that he "can't" see that they're being snotty.

The working class equivalent for shutting up someone pointing out the blimmin' obvious and rocking the boat is "don't moan".
It sounds like his "can't see" is an equivalent from another group.

You can't force him to acknowledge it, because it would mean that he has to actively decide to don some dangly appendages and stand up to mummy and daddy for their appalling behaviour. But you can decide to stop accepting his excuse of "can't see".

msnigella

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Then, on this basis, it must surely be perfectly okay in his eyes if you treat them in exactly the same fashion?

.

It is very tempting!! I'm torn between wanting to give as good as I've gotten and not wanting to stoop to their level :mad: