Issues with the in laws...

msnigella

Hi everyone

Looking for a bit of advice on how to deal with my husband's family.

DH has 2 kids with his ex wife. He was divorced before we met if that matters. His sister doesn't speak to me, we got on fine for the first few months OH and I were dating but has blanked me ever since. She works in the same building as me so I see her a couple of times a week, she just walk straight past me, not even a smile, hello, nothing. She didn't acknowledge my engagement or wedding.

When DH and I got engaged his parents, who live abroad said they were unlikely to come over to the UK for our wedding. A few weeks later they rung and told him they definitely wouldn't be coming over and instead would be paying for his ex wife and his children to go and visit them instead.

DH announced last night that his parents are planning on coming to the UK for Christmas this year. They have decided they will stay with us for a week then leave to spend Christmas with their grandchildren at his ex wife's house.

Is it unreasonable of me to be upset by this? His parents have never spoken to me, never sent an email or a card for engagement, wedding, birthday, buying our house. I suggested to DH that it might be best for everyone if they stay with his sister instead but he thinks I'm being mean.

Just need a bit of outside advice, so much has gone on in the last few years that I don't think I can view this situation objectively. What do others think?

Mupette

msnigella wrote: »

Hi everyone

Looking for a bit of advice on how to deal with my husband's family.

DH has 2 kids with his ex wife. He was divorced before we met if that matters. His sister doesn't speak to me, we got on fine for the first few months OH and I were dating but has blanked me ever since. She works in the same building as me so I see her a couple of times a week, she just walk straight past me, not even a smile, hello, nothing. She didn't acknowledge my engagement or wedding.

When DH and I got engaged his parents, who live abroad said they were unlikely to come over to the UK for our wedding. A few weeks later they rung and told him they definitely wouldn't be coming over and instead would be paying for his ex wife and his children to go and visit them instead.

DH announced last night that his parents are planning on coming to the UK for Christmas this year. They have decided they will stay with us for a week then leave to spend Christmas with their grandchildren at his ex wife's house.

Is it unreasonable of me to be upset by this? His parents have never spoken to me, never sent an email or a card for engagement, wedding, birthday, buying our house. I suggested to DH that it might be best for everyone if they stay with his sister instead but he thinks I'm being mean.

Just need a bit of outside advice, so much has gone on in the last few years that I don't think I can view this situation objectively. What do others think?

oh families can be clicky at the best of times,

life is too short to wonder why someone likes or dislikes you.

but if they are coming to your house, at least they will need to acknowledge you or get out.

Have you asked his sister why you are getting the cold treatment. She should at least give you a chance to defend yourself if she thinks you have done something?

Alikay

You'll never be able to build bridges if you don't spend time with them. If his parents have chosen to spend a week with you and their son, it looks to me as if they're starting to accept the situation.

The earlier refusal to acknowledge your relationship and then marriage seems very harsh, though and I'm not surprised you're still hurt by it. You mention that they live abroad: Perhaps there's a cultural or religious reason why they don't accept divorce and remarriage? Maybe they're just angry with their son for depriving their grandchildren of a stable two-parent home? Whatever the reason, I think it's a positive sign that they planning to spend a week with you, rather than a negative one that they're spending the next week with the ex and kiddies IYSWIM.

I think you should be the bigger person and welcome them into your home

POPPYOSCAR

I understand how you feel but.........


Have you ever spoken to them directly to find out what the problem is? Why does his sister ignore you? If it were me I would have to ask her.

Perhaps they are annoyed with their son for the break up of the marriage? They obviously get on well with his ex. Has your OH ever questioned them/told them how he feels about their actions?

You could also see this as an opportunity to get to know them better when they come to stay before christmas. I can understand them wanting to be with their grandchildren at christmas time as christmas to me is all about the children.

msnigella

Thanks everyone.

There are no cultural or religious reasons for them not to accept me. I have spoken to his sister several times to try to get to the root of the problem. We were friends before DH and I got together. Before we went on our first date I asked her how she would feel about it and she was really encouraging. A few months later her relationship ended and this was when she stopped speaking to me. Whenever we talked she said that she'd had a problem with me dating her brother because I was her friend, we'd both apologise and agree to move on but then she'd go back to blanking me and telling lies about me to mutual friends. I think maybe she's jealous because she's always wanted to be in a relationship but hers never seem to last. Mutual friends have asked and she's told them she'll never forgive me for getting involved with her brother.

I agree it will be a good way to get to know them and in a way i'm looking forward to it. But i'm nervous that the first time i meet them will be when they're staying in my house - at least if they stayed with his sister there would be less pressure on me / us all to get along.

sassyblue

They have certainly been mean and l don't blame you for being hurt, but it's possible they are just lazy people wrapped up in themselves and haven't considered your feelings? No excuses for not sending cards for special events though.

If l were your hubby l would have been asking by now what the issue was with his family, some men tend to bury their heads in the sand with family problems IMO but he shouldn't call you mean for your opinion - where has his support been? Having said that l would welcome his family with open arms for Christmas and hope that breaks the ice.

tea_lover

What's your husband's take on it all? Has he asked his parents why they've never spoken to you? Does he have a good relationship with them?

JustinCredibleGillespie

She maybe didnt offer them to stay just to see how it pans out at your house.

My advice.....try it and if it doesnt work they can leave & stay with her. Your husband will be around to see if they make any sniddy comments or smart remarks and if they insist on bring up his ex in every convo, I hope your DH has enough respect for you to change the subject and have a private word with his parents.

JCG

xx

POPPYOSCAR

msnigella wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

There are no cultural or religious reasons for them not to accept me. I have spoken to his sister several times to try to get to the root of the problem. We were friends before DH and I got together. Before we went on our first date I asked her how she would feel about it and she was really encouraging. A few months later her relationship ended and this was when she stopped speaking to me. Whenever we talked she said that she'd had a problem with me dating her brother because I was her friend, we'd both apologise and agree to move on but then she'd go back to blanking me and telling lies about me to mutual friends. I think maybe she's jealous because she's always wanted to be in a relationship but hers never seem to last. Mutual friends have asked and she's told them she'll never forgive me for getting involved with her brother.

I agree it will be a good way to get to know them and in a way i'm looking forward to it. But i'm nervous that the first time i meet them will be when they're staying in my house - at least if they stayed with his sister there would be less pressure on me / us all to get along.

I think it is better that they stay with you.

Perhaps it is their way of breaking the ice with you, and gives you the opportunity to make a good impression and get to know them better than if they were staying with his sister.

If after this they continue to 'ignore' you as such then I would just get on with your life and treat them as they treat you.

paddy's_mum

In your shoes, I would find it VERY hard to forgive people who had blanked me so completely without ever meeting me. On what basis are they so competent to judge and find you wanting? Are they, and their own daughter, so lilywhite as to be beyond criticism?

Perhaps the best way forward is to make sure that you have other appointments/commitments for the days they are in your home so that you are not stuck cheek by jowl with them 24/7. If the atmostphere is tense, you have already built in an acceptable escape route. If you find that you all get on like a house on fire, then your 'arrangement' was unfortunately cancelled ....

As a matter of interest, exactly who invited who? - especially if you are a joint owner of the house!

I'd hazard a guess that the sister in law's problem is jealousy and possessiveness of her brother. Is he her younger brother, by the way?

lostinrates

Imo you need to try and reinforce to your self this is not personal to you. They do not dislike you. As they have not met you, however, they could, despite being his parents, love his first wife very much and perhaps no that he had behaved in a way such as to make them angry sometime between then and you.

Say only the good things about the ex and the children, even if there are niggles and difficulties, try to put your frustration to one side and be warm and welcoming.

One day you might have a super relationship with them, and if its easier for his children, him and the ex too, it will all be worth biting your tongue now.