Bigoted best friend?

VfM4meplse

OP, as ever the "Thought for the Day" that hit my inbox this morning was suitably thought-provoking:

Thought for the day - Good Relationships

In order to create good relationships... - with your mind, think about what you have to learn from others, - with your eyes, look into good qualities of others, - with your words, recognise, value and appreciate their accomplishments, - with your actions, cooperate and do something for others.

Tish_P

What a horrible person.

"Human Evolution: A Very Short Introduction" might be a good book to buy her as a parting gift. Sadly by the age of 30 that kind of hateful ignorance is chosen, not accidental, so it's unlikely to help. Hope you find a better friend soon.

fluffnutter

Carl31 wrote: »

Would you really throw your best friend away over one remark? Surely, as her friend, you should be helping her see the error of her ways

I'm not sure it's possible to show a racist the 'error of their ways'. It's an entrenched view and no amount of 'You shouldn't judge people by the colour of their skin' is going to make her think 'Gosh! You're right. Silly me! I'm not a racist any more'.

OP, I ended a friendship for similar reasons. I was growing increasingly uncomfortable having to listen to the rantings of a friend with extreme right-wing and racist views. I stopped seeing her in the end. Cut out all contact. After a bit of emotional fall-out for a week or so I rapidly felt much better without this toxic influence in my life. I hadn't really realised how much it was dragging me down.

Why have people like that in your life? They damage those around them.

Tish_P

Exactly, fluffnutter.

Or look at it this way. I look my best friend square in the face and tell her directly that I think she and her family are inferior to me, and no better than animals. If she never speaks to me again, which one of us has "thrown the friendship away"?

kafkathecat

Hi Tish P and fluff nutter, with all due respect I disagree. Some will have chosen those views but others may have inherited them from family and never really examined them. The fact that this woman was best friends with OP may show she had never really thought through her views. It is entirely up to the OP whether she says friends but it may be worth at least getting her to think about her views. One less racist in the world is something worth making an effort for.

Tish_P

I'd agree with you if she were 11. By 15 I'd have mixed feelings. This woman is in her 30s.

Edited to add: and the outcome most likely to actually make her rethink her views is for her to realise she lost a friend because of them. Which has the additional, and greater, advantage of being the outcome that doesn't oblige the OP to make nice and hold hands with a person who has said such vile, hurtful things.

Person_one

If racists/homophobics/whatever ever change their views, its usually because they've grown close to someone from the hated group and been able to see them as a real person.

This woman has known the OP for years and still holds these views, some racists can reform but I'd be surprised if this one did.

shocked222

Well it's morning and I woke up again feeling like it all must have been a bad dream, then the pain hits with the realisation. I really don't know how to handle it. In alot of ways I'm still young and the way I have historically dealt with people is to cut them off with little explanation but this is my BEST friend and RACISM. Part of me feels she deserves to know how wrong what she said was but I know she will say I'm being ridiculous. She sees herself as very liberal and me as too conservative but again that's because of her made up beliefs (she takes pieces of various new age thoughts and combines them to make her own little religion/moral code). I definitely think she sees her ideas about race as a) true and b) innocent. Would she describe herself as a racist? No way! But out of everyone I have ever met her ideas are the most disgusting and, in a word, sick. Whether she accepts it or not she suggested black people are some how subhuman and thinks that this is a common held belief. Do I correct her? Do I let her know she made me cry, that she made me feel sick to the stomach? Do I tell her that her beliefs are what justified the slave trade? The holocaust? And give her a chance to see her error? Or do I just gradually distance myself from her for no reason?

It's very hard.

fluffnutter

kafkathecat wrote: »

Hi Tish P and fluff nutter, with all due respect I disagree. Some will have chosen those views but others may have inherited them from family and never really examined them.

That doesn't make it all right. There's so much in society that tells us racism is wrong, that to blithely and blindly go through life without thinking about whether our views are right or not is inexcusable.

She's either a racist because she's rationalised her views and come to the conclusion that they're correct or she's a racist because she's stupid. Either way, I wouldn't want her in my life.

Person_one

fluffnutter wrote: »

That doesn't make it all right. There's so much in society that tells us racism is wrong, that to blithely and blindly go through life without thinking about whether our views are right or not is inexcusable.

She's either a racist because she's rationalised her views and come to the conclusion that they're correct or she's a racist because she's stupid. Either way, I wouldn't want her in my life.

I do allow people some slack for their upbringing, I actually do have a racist friend, but I've met her parents enough times to know there was very little chance of her growing up in that poisonous environment and not being damaged by it, I see her as a victim of her parents.