Bigoted best friend?

VfM4meplse

peachyprice wrote: »

I know this is a serious thread OP, and the things your 'friend' has said are despicable, but everytime I read your title all I see is Bigtoed best friend

An unpardonable offence, I don't kmow why anyone would want to be associated with a big-toed person!

PoorCharleyBear wrote: »

My DH and DD are mixed race. We were at a family gathering when a family member who I had always been so close to, came out with a particularly racist comment about non-white folk. I was livid but of course this person said 'well I don't mean them (DH and DD0 as I don't think of them as non-white. They are family'.

Reminds me of the C4 show documenting integration in Bradford - one of the participants (a mixed race landlady) made a similar comment and then realisation suddenly hit her like a brick, she was genuinely sorry when she was confonted with her own attitude.

shocked222

Well luckily she hasn't been in touch which is strange for her (maybe she is more aware than I thought) and this time has helped me think about things in a more composed way and I will be able to handle things better.

I apologise if it came across as though I was making excuses for her. I personally feel like I was trying to make sense of the fact that she somehow had these crazy ideas - in fact, that anyone could have ideas as ignorant and offensive as her in this day and age. I was trying to understand where it all came from and, in all fairness to me, several posters had asked questions along the lines of, "How could you not have known?" and "Did she get brought up that way?" so I was also trying to answer that by suggesting where, as her friend, I thought it had come from. I'm sorry if I was frustrating anyone.

I doubt that I will be posting again but thank you to all who replied. Obviously, I have to deal with things myself now but I've come to the conclusion that a) yes, she really is that dumb/stupid and b) I can't be friends with someone as ignorant as her.

londonsurrey

I don't think there's anything wrong in going through all the possible reasons that she might think the way she does. In fact, it's logical and fair.

You'd only be stupid or defending her if, in considering the all possibilities, you refused to acknowledge valid/logical counter arguments for them, and you've been very fair through this whole thing, which says a lot for you, considering what a difficult time it was for you.

I wish you all the best for the future, and well done on how you've conducted yourself.

Gazing_On_Sunsets

I'd be torn between trying to re-educate her, and just getting the hell away - because ill thought out remarks can have more effect on your kids within earshot than you'd know.

I say this from my own experience - white kid in mono-white school in white area. But, mixed family in far away town. Black uncle, mixed cousin, etc. Every holidays we went up and so, varying skin colours was just everyday stuff like having ginger hair or whatever. An interesting visual difference.

Then, when I was 12, in an RE lesson, the RE teacher (of ALL people) casually said, during a lesson on racism, "but of course, like many people, I wouldn't like to be touched by a black doctor." This was 1989 and I still can picture myself sitting there, it was like time slowed down and kids were nodding and I thought - WHAT? I genuinely had no idea that anyone could think that and it made as much sense as saying "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor called Kevin" or something.

I felt lost, a bit betrayed I suppose, by teachers and people in general. Just one remark. So OP I'd keep her away from your kids.

shocked222

I did say I wasn't going to post again but its come up a few times now and the last post made me think I better put things right - I don't have children yet. What took place happened in front of her children. I apologise for not setting things straight sooner, I think an early poster mis-read and a few posters then started referring to "my" children.

As Gazing On Sunsets pointed out, you just can't subject children to those kind of beliefs and, had I children of my own, and had she said what she did in front of them - we would have been out of there like a shot. It's bad enough me being subjected to that but I wouldnt have children of my own around that. The fact her little ones (who I love to bits) were there added to the sick feeling. As odd as it sounds, I was holding her little girl at the time and I physically didn't want to hand her back to her mother after she said what she did, I just thought how are these kids going to be raised. What are they going to believe?

Looking back through my posts, I don't think I helped with the confusion over her kids and people thinking I had kids as I did say " I could see her looking after my kids one day". What I meant was, when (god willing!) I have children, I saw her having the same kind of relationship with my own children one day the way I have with hers. It's something best friends do I suppose, say things like "oh when you have kids we can all go on holiday together" etc. I should have been clearer - sorry! But yes, it could have been worse, luckily it was only me that was hurt!

duchy

Nothing wrong with taking the long view-I was when I said you'd be wondering what she said behind your back about you and your kids. I did realize that you don't currently have kids -but you do sound like you see them in your future -so yes it IS a consideration.

kent_lady

Hi OP....firstly can I send you a hug for the pain you are obviously feeling....:grouphug:..I know how it feels to be let down by a friend....without hijacking your thread, I'll briefly explain - my BestF of 20 years recently refused to pay me back some money that I lent her, yet can't see that she's done anything wrong and even blames ME for the friendship ending! My reason for mentioning this is: I felt the same as you - let down and shocked that someone I thought I knew could treat me like this and then think they were innocent of any wrong-doing. But then I looked at the situation and the awful things she said to me when I pointed out that she owed me and the time had come to pay up, and I realised that she wasn't adding anything to my life. Like you, I have shared good and bad times with her and have seen her kids grow up (they are teens now). But I had to ask myself if my life was enriched by having her in it and when I weighed this up along with other things, I realised that it was no great loss.

You have to ask yourself if this woman adds anything to your life by being in it.

My personal opinion is that you tell her exactly why you can't be friends with her any longer, then you cut the contact. No gradual cut-off, she needs to understand how much she's hurt you and that her views are unacceptable.

Oh - the last time I looked, racism was against the law......

I wish you all the best - keep us informed. And hold your head high and be proud of your heritage !!

andygb

shocked222 wrote: »

I did say I wasn't going to post again but its come up a few times now and the last post made me think I better put things right - I don't have children yet. What took place happened in front of her children. I apologise for not setting things straight sooner, I think an early poster mis-read and a few posters then started referring to "my" children.

Well done for tackling her at the time, infront of her children. She has a problem, a very serious one, and her bigoted views are not acceptable.
I am in a mixed race marriage (for 22 years), and when we got married, I found out that a couple of my relations belonged to the National Front/BNP, and did not wish to come to our wedding. So, I simply said "good riddance" as you can pick your friends but not your relations.
A few years ago, we went on holiday near to where they lived, and my sister suggested (almost insisted:eek:), that we should pop in and see this couple when we were on holiday. I couldn't believe that I should have to explain in no uncertain terms, that if they were the last humans alive on this planet, I would still avoid them.
I cannot stand people who judge others by the colour of their skin, their gender, their religion or their sexual preferences.