Bigoted best friend?

shocked222

Please excuse typos, I'm using a phone with a touch screen and an over eager auto correct. I obviously meant "write a letter" amongst other mistakes...

londonsurrey

Please don't berate yourself. It was a terrible shock, and totally out of the blue.

You're young, and it's an experience you can use to help others in the future. Yes, ideally, you'd have apologised to the passing family, and given her a dressing down.


But that is exactly what shock is. It makes us freeze.

And then there's the time it takes for the unbelievable to filter through, as in, yes, this is the horrific thing that is happening.

And THEN you've got to come to terms with it.

And THEN you've got to formulate a plan as to what to do next.

So as you can see, you can't blame yourself for not jumping into action immediately. As I said, as you gain experience in different things in life, you'll be quicker off the mark, and also able to help the bewildered (I myself have spent most of my life in this bewildered state!)

glossgal

OPs friend sounds like a bit of an idiot to me rather than a raving fascist, she'd have to be to say such things to someone who is mixed race? Obviously that doesn't make it ok for a minute but I think there is a touch too much political correctness in some of these replies-lets face it we all probably know someone who comes out with 'questionable' comments on occassion even if it's little old granny-do we automatically cut them from our lives? it's not so easy to practice what we preach.

OP-I can totally understand your shock and even if you do decide to cut this person from your life I think she needs to know why, she may not apologise as she should but who knows- it may make her think twice before she opens her mouth in future.

tod123

all caught in a troll post

shocked222

tod123 wrote: »

all caught in a troll post

A Troll? I wish. Then I wouldn't have to deal with all the things I'm dealing with now. I've got to cut the person closest to me outside of my family out of my life, not just her but, by proxy, her two young children and her family. I'm gutted.

irrationalactor

It sounds like what happened to the OP was worse than anything I can relate to.

And I don't understand how, if this friend values the OP's friendship, she can do anything else other than immediately change her mind about her racist rubbish? The fact that the OP is both mixed-race and this woman's close friend disproves the "theories" she is spouting right off the bat.

The friend doesn't sound very self-aware. Maybe she is beyond help, and I agree that the OP doesn't have a responsibility to educate her.

However I really do think that people can change their opinions and that part of friendship is learning to accept other's differences and seeing through your preconceptions about people. At least, that's how it's been with some of my closest friends. I know that some of the worst fights I've had with my friends have resolved themselves with one or both of us changing our minds about some received "wisdom".

I remember one specific incident where one of my more religious friends was telling me quite seriously that people like me were sinners. I took objection to this and asked him if he really would rather that I was someone completely different. Presumably he didn't think I was inherently immoral or why be friends with me in the first place?

Not a fun experience but every time this happens (whether you're the one with the wrong opinion or the other way around) you learn something new.

Best wishes to the OP - what a terrible and thoughtless betrayal by your friend. Please don't blame yourself for what you did or didn't say - understandably you were in shock!

cavework

TBH I would give your best friend a straight from the hip talk about how darned offensive and ignorant she was.
The problem is when people spout racist remarks, they don't expect someone to tell them what a complete a*** they are making of themselves, so when it does come , it can be a bit of a shock.
I have spoken out a few times and I have never regretted doing so , not once and my lads have learned to do the same.
I would have ripped her to shreds in front of her children because those kids will grow up influenced by their parent. Hopefully when they reach an age when they can judge for themselves they will be horrified by her attitude.
Tell her straight out face to face exactly what you think of her behavour, you will be doing her a huge favour.
can I just add , it might be an idea for your friend to do a bit of family history research .. she might be suprised to find where her ancestors originated from.;)

meritaten

Blue_Elephant wrote: »

I do know that. It's used by Asian people for the same effect, and the first time I heard it it was being used as an insult towards me by a bunch of other Asian people.

Why then, do I use it?

For the same reason that gay people use the term "Queer", black people use the N word or some women use the word "Feminist".

In my context it enpowers the user, by publicly stating there is nothing wrong with living the way I choose, or with being born the way I am.

And Meritaten, in future please could you ask why someone does something instead of just telling them off? I'm not five, and I don't always have to agree with you. That doesn't make me wrong. It just makes us different.

I believe I am allowed to say if I find a term racist and offensive - and I was quite interested in why you used it.
I COULD have just reported your post.

your logic is interesting though - you think that by using the term yourself you are 'empowering' yourself. I dont quite understand that myself, but if it makes you feel better, then carry on - just be aware that some people dont know your motives and can get upset at racist and offensive terms.

You see Blue Elephant, I dont know you from Adam! I don't know if you are Black White Yellow or Mixed Race. It isn't immediately apparent and your post didnt read as Ironic or Sarcastic............so what are people to think?

littlerat

If you're on good terms with most of her family - have you talked to any of them about this? It may be, if they're not of these beliefs, they've been wondering where the hell she's getting hers from for a while.


My completely uneducated guess is she has a "friend" feeding her all this crap... she does sound gullible enough to be led by the right person.

shocked222

littlerat wrote: »

If you're on good terms with most of her family - have you talked to any of them about this? It may be, if they're not of these beliefs, they've been wondering where the hell she's getting hers from for a while.


My completely uneducated guess is she has a "friend" feeding her all this crap... she does sound gullible enough to be led by the right person.

I don't know how I'd approach her family about it tbh. I don't even know how "out there" she is about talking about these beliefs. I've never seen her look at a family of a different race in a nasty way or heard her make a comment in all these years I've known her - it's just come completely out of left field as far as I'm concerned. I don't think I could call her mum or her siblings up and say "Hi, did you know she has these extreme views about black people?"

I have however contemplated asking her husband to explain to her why I would find what she said so offensive. In his job he works with many different cultures, he has travelled the world as part of his job and has a lot of respect for my family. He loves the hospitality of the country where they come from and frequently speaks about his time there. He is also well read and quite intelligent and he too thinks some of her ideas about other things (her made up spiritual beliefs namely) are crazy and will tell her. I personally feel the only way she will accept these beliefs are wrong is if another white person who she has respect for also expresses their intolerance of what she has come out with. I think if he knew she thought these things he would be pretty shocked too. As shocked as me probably! But, as hurt as I am, I don't want to cause trouble for her. I'd just like to "nicely educate her".

I don't think this is something she frequently expresses. Which begs the question, is that because she knows these views or unacceptable or is it because it's not a hatred (in her eyes), it's just the way her crazy little world is so she feels no need to talk about it.

I still feel sick thinking about the whole thing. I just wish the whole thing would go away. I definitely think she doesn't want to lose our friendship but I also know she will blame me for over-reacting. Which I know I'm not. The people who I have sought advice from and who know exactly what was said have all advised me to end this friendship and think what she said was pretty horrific.

I'm finding it hard, keep dreading that she is going to call or text or, worse, turn up at the door. Also caught myself in my head thinking, "Oh, we should go to that event" today, obviously having forgotten in the moment what she had said. The reality has hit me that I don't have a best friend anymore. I know that sounds like a 12 year old but I do feel a loss and I know it's going to take time to get over. Never thought I'd have my heart broken by a woman lol!