Bigoted best friend?

balletshoes

I think OP, that you have to be honest with your friend, you need to spell it out that she's upset you, why she's upset you, and why you don't want to be around her right now. Spell it out that regardless that she thinks you're stupid and oversensitive about the comment she made, thats how you feel and you're not prepared to have your opinion belittled.

Then its up to her, the ball's in her court.

RuthnJasper

OP - I fully understand how shocked and upset you are; even apart from the revolting filth that this "person" not only voiced, but also laughed about and defended in front of children, it's obviously distressing when someone you thought was a lovely friendly person revealed her true unpleasant nature - bit like having a rug pulled out from underneath you.

There's no way you're being "stupid or over-sensitive". You are, quite simply, being human. Doesn't matter about skin or hair colour, we all have the same colour blood in our veins.

I've been on the receiving end of similar remarks myself (though not about skin colour, and I won't hijack this thread by going into details) and I completely understand what you mean about feeling unable to eat.

As upsetting as it is, you really are better off without this person and her poisonous attitudes. Particularly galling is that she thinks it's OK to air these views in an open public space and when children are present. You've already told her that her words and actions were deeply offensive and hurtful and she chose to deal with this by calling you "stupid". Seriously; she isn't a nice person. You sound like a lovely individual and a great friend to have and I hope things get better for you very soon. xx

shocked222

Thanks all. It should be easy shouldn't it? I should just be able to say that's it, end of story. I feel so silly, I'm actually in floods of tears. I do feel betrayed and feel like I've never really known her. She has been like my sister, I'm like a second mum to her kids. Behind my back though it's clear she has held this view that black people in her opinion are closer to animals than people. And in her mind, it's absolutely true. I'm so, so hurt and I'm hurt for her gorgeous little blonde haired, blue eyed kids who are going to be fed this utter bull. If ANYONE had said this, I would have been hurt, but my best friend. What she said was actually so disgusting I can't repeat it to the black side of my family because I'm so ashamed people actually think that way. I've managed to talk it through with my (white) parent and my godmother and they both feel I should end it.

To answer another question, no I had absolutely no idea she thought these things. I've shared all my twenties with her, I felt we'd grown up together. She was perfectly sober and perfectly clear about what she thought. I think I know I can't be friends with someone who looks at my family and thinks they aren't far off belonging in a zoo but still I've lost my best friend and an extended family.

Valli

MandM90 wrote: »

I would. My wife is mixed race - if anyone said anything verging on 'white supremacist' there is no way I could associate with them. They are talking about the person I love, my family, not to mention a few billion people that have already had enough rubbish to deal with in the past, because of the colour of their skin.

:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T
well said

@ OP the only thing I can say is, if you do continue to have any form of relationship with her you are setting an excellent example to her kids - about being friends with PEOPLE regardless of race, creed or colour - and showing them, by your example, a civilized example of how to behave in society.

j.e.j.

shocked222 wrote: »

A black family was playing nearby and overheard me ask a question, the young mother was very nice and answered it for me as they were leaving. I thanked her for her help and as she walked past my best friend, in front of her two young children, smirked and made an absolutely disgusting comment in reference to the family's colour.

This woman is best friends with you, a mixed race person, and yet espouses this kind of view?! And she said it even while the woman was still within earshot?? It sounds like the comment she made can't just be passed off as low-level ignorance, - it was racist, distasteful, and she's damn rude. I'd be embarrassed to be around her, tbh.

You shouldn't pretend it doesn't matter just to keep the friendship, when what she said clearly upset you and affected you deeply.

Mojisola

shocked222 wrote: »

Thanks all. It should be easy shouldn't it? I should just be able to say that's it, end of story. I feel so silly, I'm actually in floods of tears. I do feel betrayed and feel like I've never really known her. She has been like my sister, I'm like a second mum to her kids. Behind my back though it's clear she has held this view that black people in her opinion are closer to animals than people. And in her mind, it's absolutely true. I'm so, so hurt and I'm hurt for her gorgeous little blonde haired, blue eyed kids who are going to be fed this utter bull. If ANYONE had said this, I would have been hurt, but my best friend. What she said was actually so disgusting I can't repeat it to the black side of my family because I'm so ashamed people actually think that way. I've managed to talk it through with my (white) parent and my godmother and they both feel I should end it.

To answer another question, no I had absolutely no idea she thought these things. I've shared all my twenties with her, I felt we'd grown up together. She was perfectly sober and perfectly clear about what she thought. I think I know I can't be friends with someone who looks at my family and thinks they aren't far off belonging in a zoo but still I've lost my best friend and an extended family.

I don't think it's easy to lose a friend who has been as close as this - it's similar to coping with a death but worse, in this instance, because there's a feeling of betrayal as well.

Knowing that she thinks like this and has done all the time you've been her friend will hit really deeply.

Mojisola

shocked222 wrote: »

Thanks all. It should be easy shouldn't it? I should just be able to say that's it, end of story. I feel so silly, I'm actually in floods of tears. I do feel betrayed and feel like I've never really known her. She has been like my sister, I'm like a second mum to her kids. Behind my back though it's clear she has held this view that black people in her opinion are closer to animals than people. And in her mind, it's absolutely true. I'm so, so hurt and I'm hurt for her gorgeous little blonde haired, blue eyed kids who are going to be fed this utter bull. If ANYONE had said this, I would have been hurt, but my best friend. What she said was actually so disgusting I can't repeat it to the black side of my family because I'm so ashamed people actually think that way. I've managed to talk it through with my (white) parent and my godmother and they both feel I should end it.

To answer another question, no I had absolutely no idea she thought these things. I've shared all my twenties with her, I felt we'd grown up together. She was perfectly sober and perfectly clear about what she thought. I think I know I can't be friends with someone who looks at my family and thinks they aren't far off belonging in a zoo but still I've lost my best friend and an extended family.

I don't think it's easy to lose a friend who has been as close as this - it's similar to coping with a death but worse, in this instance, because there's a feeling of betrayal as well.

Knowing that she thinks like this and has done all the time you've been her friend will hit really deeply. It will also make you doubt your judgement of people. Give yourself time to get over it.

notakid

I don't know how old you both are?

Maybe she was brought up with these opinions and accepted them blindly?

Is she a nice person in every other way?


I know in the scheme of things the things I have mentioned shouldn't really matter but I'm just wondering why someone would have such outdated and extreme views and say them when they know you are mixed race.

It seems such a cruel and insensitive thing for your very best friend to do?

shocked222

j.e.j. wrote: »

This woman is best friends with you, a mixed race person, and yet espouses this kind of view?! And she said it even while the woman was still within earshot?? It sounds like the comment she made can't just be passed off as low-level ignorance, - it was racist, distasteful, and she's damn rude. I'd be embarrassed to be around her, tbh.

You shouldn't pretend it doesn't matter just to keep the friendship, when what she said clearly upset you and affected you deeply.

All I can think is that she "forgot" I was mixed race?! And (stupid me), I didn't want to be accused of "playing the race card" by turning round and saying "erm, have you forgot I'm half black?".

It has really, really affected me. I feel like I'm about 5years old again, the first time I heard anyone refer to my family being different to everyone else's - my best friend shouldn't hurt me this much so that's it. It can't be unsaid, she can't unbelieve these things... I never wanted this to happen but what can we do? It is what it is.

Completely out of the blue she called another race by a racist name on the same day (I was like :eek:), it wasn't in a negative way, it was just as if you'd say "that Chinese man is a good cook" but using a racist term. It was clear that this was the way she was used to referring to the specific race of people. That, I would have seen as ignorant, but I would have forgiven and probably asked her not to say that in front of me in future but the other stuff was just :eek:.

I wanted to make a comment in return about her spending so much time on the sunbed and the fact she has no problem buying certain people of certain races food, and does she her clothes are made in sweat shops by little girls and boys the same age as her kids in India and Vietnam but, oh that's ok isn't it because they aren't equal to your little darlings, they are too brown to matter aren't they? But...:o I'm too nice!

shocked222

notakid wrote: »

I don't know how old you both are?

Maybe she was brought up with these opinions and accepted them blindly?

Is she a nice person in every other way?


I know in the scheme of things the things I have mentioned shouldn't really matter but I'm just wondering why someone would have such outdated and extreme views and say them when they know you are mixed race.

It seems such a cruel and insensitive thing for your very best friend to do?

She is in her early 30's and I'm mid/late 20's.

I'm lost for words tbh. Apart from that, she has her faults but don't we all? My family saw her as a bit of a user but I valued our friendship.