Bigoted best friend?

shocked222

As I'm writing this I am in shock and feel my world has been turned on its head a bit.

I'm writing about my VERY best friend. At the weekend we spent a day at the beach with her children. A black family was playing nearby and overheard me ask a question, the young mother was very nice and answered it for me as they were leaving. I thanked her for her help and as she walked past my best friend, in front of her two young children, smirked and made an absolutely disgusting comment in reference to the family's colour. It came out of nowhere and I physically felt like I had been punched. I'm sorry I can't repeat what she said, but all I can say is it might as well have been out of a Nazi manifesto or something written by a US slave owner 150 years ago.

I was rooted to the spot and said "that is an absolutely horrible thing to say, how can you say that?". She burst out laughing and said "how is it horrible? It's absolutely true. It's a known fact in history and biology. It's not horrible. It's true." I couldn't speak, I thought I was going to cry as I myself am mixed race and being as she is my best friend, she has met the black members of my family and I was wondering does she actually think these things about the people I love? Does she think these things about me? I again said, "no, it's horrible. You can't claim it's a nice thing to say. It's disgusting and I'm sorry I completely disagree with you." I didn't want an argument in front of the children, and I didn't want to come outright and say, "have you any idea how racist what you have said is? How hurtful and smug? Do you honestly believe that because of the fact I have half black blood, that I am somehow more bestial than you? That I am genetically inferior to you? Because you have just said that about a perfectly nice person simply because of the colour of their skin!" I managed to pretend everything was ok for the rest of the day but I couldn't wipe the smug smile when she made that sick comment out of my head. When I got home I couldn't eat, I just felt sick thinking that I've never really known my best friend.

She has text me wanting to meet up again, I've ignored it but I don't know what to do long-term. She has been like my sister but she has some pretty sick ideas about race and I don't know if I can deal with that. She thought I was being stupid and over sensitive but she could easily get sacked from her job for saying what she did - it was total white supremacist spiel! Can I ask what you would do in this situation?

Sambucus_Nigra

I would tell her that now her true colours were out I was mistaken and want nothing more to do with her. I'm afraid I couldn't have pretended everything was ok but I appreciate it is difficult when faced with such views.

And then get yourself a better best friend.

Nicki

Better to know than not know I guess.

She sounds utterly vile, and I too would drop her like a hot stone and tell her exactly why. One text or email to say you don't want further contact and why, then block her number on your phones, remove her from Facebook, block her emails and forget her.

SmallL

Im also mixed race (white/asian) and would be deeply disturbed by her attitude to any person of colour, and it would lead me to think how much she really thought of ME as her 'FRIEND'.
Its seems so stupid of her to come out with her 'views' knowing full-well your background.
Im suprised she hasn't been 'found out' sooner with that kind of sick attitude

Wickedkitten

She's your very best friend and you couldn't tell? Was she drunk at the time or something?

Carl31

Would you really throw your best friend away over one remark? Surely, as her friend, you should be helping her see the error of her ways

If shes your best friend ,then she must have many values beyond what happened today

thorsoak

I wouldn't be able to deal with it either - I think I would send her a text, telling her that I don't want to associate with her anymore as her views are racist and abhorrent to me - and I don't want anyone else thinking that I share her views!

browneyedbazzi

I have friends who have different opinions to me on a lot of issues...some of which we debate about, some we just accept that we'll never win the other around to other side so we agree to disagree. I don't always agree with their opinions but none of the issues are so fundamental that they are 'deal breakers' for me.

One thing that would be a 'deal breaker' is the behaviour of your friend. I couldn't cope with being friends with someone knowing that we disagreed on something so fundamental. That sort of behaviour/thinking would totally throw into question everything else about the friend/friendship - the people I have as friends are my friends because they are kind, caring, intelligent, supportive people...and I don't think those traits and being racist are compatible.

cottonhead

I'm sorry to hear about what happended, you probably feel quite betrayed. Also shocked if she is yur best friend and has not made these kidn of comments before, I can imagine you feel like she has been lying to you all along.
I couldnt carry on a friendship if I found out the person was a racist. Unforunately its more common than some people realise. I am one half of a mixed race marriage and obviously our child is mixed race. I am surprised at how mnay people make dodgy comments to me assuming its OK to do so because I am white and probably have a white husband and child, then try to back track when they realise. On the other side my husband has had complete strangers try to warn him off me for no other reason than I am white. How many times in society do we hear ' Im not racist...but.....'
I think the fact that you are so shocked is because you have morals that she is lacking and because you feel she has been cheating you by hiding this darker side. I would send her an email to explain how hurtful the comments were and how shocked you were and that you cant continue the friendship.
Hope you feel better soon.

MandM90

Carl31 wrote: »

Would you really throw your best friend away over one remark? Surely, as her friend, you should be helping her see the error of her ways

If shes your best friend ,then she must have many values beyond what happened today

I would. My wife is mixed race - if anyone said anything verging on 'white supremacist' there is no way I could associate with them. They are talking about the person I love, my family, not to mention a few billion people that have already had enough rubbish to deal with in the past, because of the colour of their skin.

DylanO

I don't know how to managed to stay on the beach with her. If I were you I would have dropped her instantly with a few choice words and I'd have no problem making sure all our mutual friends knew exactly the reason why. You don't want someone like that around your children or in your life at all, surely?