Partner wants me to pay all the rent?

the_cat

Actually on reflection another point has ocurred to me.

Do you think he really wants to move in together? Or is this totally unreasonable stance a ploy to keep the status quo? Perhaps he is quite happy living [STRIKE]with[/STRIKE] off mumsywumsy and doesn't really have his heart set on being an adult and actually having to pull his own weight for a change. By making unreasonable demands on purpose knowing so that you can be the one to refuse and thus he can say 'well, if it wasn't for you, then we could move in together' without actually having to go through with it

londonsurrey

the_cat wrote: »

Actually on reflection another point has ocurred to me.

Do you think he really wants to move in together? Or is this totally unreasonable stance a ploy to keep the status quo? Perhaps he is quite happy living [STRIKE]with[/STRIKE] off mumsywumsy and doesn't really have his heart set on being an adult and actually having to pull his own weight for a change. By making unreasonable demands on purpose jknowing so that you can be the one to refuse and thus he can say 'well, if it wasn't for you, then we could move in together' without actually having to go through with it

Wow. That is so passive aggressive (of him, not Cat!), and actually makes a whole lot more sense than a nearly 40 year old without learning disabilities being naive enough to think that £150 per month is a fair contribution for everything.

DebtFreein5Months

the_cat wrote: »

Actually on reflection another point has ocurred to me.

Do you think he really wants to move in together? Or is this totally unreasonable stance a ploy to keep the status quo? Perhaps he is quite happy living [STRIKE]with[/STRIKE] off mumsywumsy and doesn't really have his heart set on being an adult and actually having to pull his own weight for a change. By making unreasonable demands on purpose knowing so that you can be the one to refuse and thus he can say 'well, if it wasn't for you, then we could move in together' without actually having to go through with it

That is a brilliant point, And is SnowBoarder isn't off crying in a corner somewhere I hope he/she reads this. It's never easy to face up to stuff like this, because people often press the "oh he was only kidding" button But these comments are right, my old Gran used to say that When Poverty knocks at the door, Love flies out of the window.

DebtFreein5Months

I used to date a bloke who has spent almost all his life in the Air Force, he had EVERYTHING done for him, all bills sorted, all rent paid the lot. Then he comes out and doesn't have a clue. I suggested he went on a 'Getting back to Civvie Street' courses which many organisations do for ex forces folk but he saw it as a weakness and didn't. We discussed getting a place and he put pressure on me to pay for most things (he had unskilled job in factory - he have got more qualififcations but asking for help was a weakness to him). he said he would pay £100 and I could pay the rest! LOL! He didn't even know what council tax was! He used to go mad if I spent money on my brothers birthday or paid my mum money for treats per month (cos she is old and like getting her hair done), he would get into a rage and say "but what about US" when it was MY money! We never did end up getting a place together - I decided to call it a day - his post RAF expereinces had left him broken and angry and unwilling to get the amazing help that is offered (for free) and I didn't want to settle for that for the rest of my life.

Lovelyjoolz

Is he much older than you? I don't know why, but I get the feeling that he's a fair bit older than you and thinks he can manipulate you into funding his lifestyle.

The "you would if you loved me" argument is very much an alarmbell ringer. It's passive/agressive and, if my ex is anything to go by, a forerunner to REAL bullying behaviour. It's also childish. Spoilt three year olds display this behaviour - do you want to live with a toddler?

You are concerned about your credit rating. Quite right too. Protect it dilligently because it will stand between you and a mortgage one day if it slides into disrepair. I don't think that you have realised this but, if you move in with him, your credit file will show a "financial association" with him because your names will be together on the bills and the rental agreement and this will damage your credit score. Is he worth it?

You're right when you question whether money should stand in the way of love and no, no it shouldn't. As long as you both feel the same way i.e you would both support each other if necessary. The problem is he doesn't feel that way. He clearly feels that his hobbies are more important than you because he will not give an inch on his 'spends'. Are you happy to be his 2nd/3rd/4th priority? Is he your 2nd/3rd/4th priority? Aside from the money, are you approaching this from an equal footing? It really doesn't sound like it.

And while money shouldn't be the be-all-and-end-all of a relationship, it's one of those topics that can really worm it's way in and eat away at it, building resentment and evenutally, killing any affection between people. Sex and money, the two things that it's vital to get right in order for you to be happy. They are the foundations to a relationship. They must be right.

Honey, you sound lovely. He sounds like an @rse who really doesn't deserve you. Don't rush to move in with him. Stay as you are and continue to date him until he grows up, or at least shows willing to try and growup! Or cut your losses and find a proper grown-up to have a relationship with. True love will not suffer from not living together, but his immaturity could well break your heart if you go ahead with this.

DebtFreein5Months

Lovelyjoolz wrote: »

Is he much older than you? I don't know why, but I get the feeling that he's a fair bit older than you and thinks he can manipulate you into funding his lifestyle.

The "you would if you loved me" argument is very much an alarmbell ringer. It's passive/agressive and, if my ex is anything to go by, a forerunner to REAL bullying behaviour. It's also childish. Spoilt three year olds display this behaviour - do you want to live with a toddler?

You are concerned about your credit rating. Quite right too. Protect it dilligently because it will stand between you and a mortgage one day if it slides into disrepair. I don't think that you have realised this but, if you move in with him, your credit file will show a "financial association" with him because your names will be together on the bills and the rental agreement and this will damage your credit score. Is he worth it?

You're right when you question whether money should stand in the way of love and no, no it shouldn't. As long as you both feel the same way i.e you would both support each other if necessary. The problem is he doesn't feel that way. He clearly feels that his hobbies are more important than you because he will not give an inch on his 'spends'. Are you happy to be his 2nd/3rd/4th priority? Is he your 2nd/3rd/4th priority? Aside from the money, are you approaching this from an equal footing? It really doesn't sound like it.

And while money shouldn't be the be-all-and-end-all of a relationship, it's one of those topics that can really worm it's way in and eat away at it, building resentment and evenutally, killing any affection between people. Sex and money, the two things that it's vital to get right in order for you to be happy. They are the foundations to a relationship. They must be right.

Honey, you sound lovely. He sounds like an @rse who really doesn't deserve you. Don't rush to move in with him. Stay as you are and continue to date him until he grows up, or at least shows willing to try and growup! Or cut your losses and find a proper grown-up to have a relationship with. True love will not suffer from not living together, but his immaturity could well break your heart if you go ahead with this.

Fantastic Post :T

de1amo

The reason i expect to pay 90pc of the household fees is because my wife---earns as much as me, looks after everything in the house and cares for my daughter.---if i got that type of work valued i would pay far more than just 90pc

---

when you get divorced men see how much a solicitor values the mother's work for your children!!!

meg72

SnowBoarder wrote: »

He is with family, rent/bill free other than electric...

In other words, a real passenger sorry love but I would leave him there.

Steel_2

Snowboarder, has this guy always lived at home?Or did he live away from home and then go home when he had financial difficulties?

Has he been married or been in a long-term relationship before? How did the money situation go there?

From what you said about his debt repayments him not being able to increase his payments, am I right in thinking he might be on a DMP or IVA? Something that has a set amount of money he must pay a third party and they distribute every month.

I'm being reminded of something I saw once. I wonder whether he lived away from home when his debt repayment plan was set up and that £600 was originally put down on his statement of outgoings for bills etc. However, he's moved back home since and doesn't pay those any more and now has a lot of disposable income.

At 38 and his attitude to money, I would not be associating myself financially with him. He could really screw up your finances.

shegirl

Lovelyjoolz wrote: »

Is he much older than you? I don't know why, but I get the feeling that he's a fair bit older than you and thinks he can manipulate you into funding his lifestyle.

The "you would if you loved me" argument is very much an alarmbell ringer. It's passive/agressive and, if my ex is anything to go by, a forerunner to REAL bullying behaviour. It's also childish. Spoilt three year olds display this behaviour - do you want to live with a toddler?

You are concerned about your credit rating. Quite right too. Protect it dilligently because it will stand between you and a mortgage one day if it slides into disrepair. I don't think that you have realised this but, if you move in with him, your credit file will show a "financial association" with him because your names will be together on the bills and the rental agreement and this will damage your credit score. Is he worth it?

You're right when you question whether money should stand in the way of love and no, no it shouldn't. As long as you both feel the same way i.e you would both support each other if necessary. The problem is he doesn't feel that way. He clearly feels that his hobbies are more important than you because he will not give an inch on his 'spends'. Are you happy to be his 2nd/3rd/4th priority? Is he your 2nd/3rd/4th priority? Aside from the money, are you approaching this from an equal footing? It really doesn't sound like it.

And while money shouldn't be the be-all-and-end-all of a relationship, it's one of those topics that can really worm it's way in and eat away at it, building resentment and evenutally, killing any affection between people. Sex and money, the two things that it's vital to get right in order for you to be happy. They are the foundations to a relationship. They must be right.

Honey, you sound lovely. He sounds like an @rse who really doesn't deserve you. Don't rush to move in with him. Stay as you are and continue to date him until he grows up, or at least shows willing to try and growup! Or cut your losses and find a proper grown-up to have a relationship with. True love will not suffer from not living together, but his immaturity could well break your heart if you go ahead with this.

This.

I used to have a friend who would say that to her oh to get him to do allsorts,poor guy ended up in serious debt due to it too.Didn't help his insecurity either,while she sat pretty and being treated like a princess.

Anyone who uses that term seriously (I point out 'seriously' as I used to put on a kids childish voice,!!!! my head, exaggerate fluttering eyelashes or do a sad toddler face with wobbling lip and take the pee out of said friend,jokingly saying it to ex and a friend of ours:rotfl:) is emotionally bullying you and it's not something you want to get yourself into.It'll just wear you down and leave you used as a doormat trying to prove yourself.