reassure me please

fluffnutter

scooby088 wrote: »

Same old advice here get rid when we only see one side of the story, I am sure the OP is less from being an angel and probably gave as good as she got in the argument.

I said 'get rid' and stand by that advice. Doesn't mean the OP's an angel, I might equally advise her boyfriend to 'get rid' too. I just think the relationship sounds dysfunctional and he sounds unable to deal with his emotions.

heretolearn_2

Domestic violence (I hate that phrase, violence is violence no matter who the victim is) on both sides. Both with bad tempers. Neither able to deal with things in a sensible way.

Yes, you behaved badly in trying to hold him there against his will and for hitting him. Yes, he behaved badly in smashing up your flat. Personally I take violence against a person to be worse than violence against an inanimate object, so you were worse.

Even if you thought he needed to stay put because he was in a dangerous state and it was best for him, then there's still no excuse for hitting him. Even if you had to shut the door and let him smash every object in the whole kitchen till he calmed down.

My ex husband had bi-polar and one of the symptoms was terrible rages and an overwhelming need to get it violently out of his system. However - while some of our belongings suffered, he never turned it on a human being. After a few minutes he would calm down enough to be able to speak to reasonably. I can't imagine what he would have done if I'd pushed him over the edge by getting violent with him - honestly if your boyfriend was in a similar rage I think you are lucky he didn't retaliate and in that temper it could have been very serious.

I know it's hard to deal with depression etc in others but you have to be able to remain a very calm person yourself no matter what, not add fuel to the fire. Otherwise you and they suffer worse.

It honestly doesn't sound as if it is a great idea for you two to be together.

Acc72

Gingham_R wrote: »

I hightlighted the first part because if a post by a woman started with 'I spent ages cooking dinner while he was playing computer games' then developed into 'then he blocked my way so I couldn't get out and he slapped me across the face', the responses would not have been so mixed as they have been here.

Agree 100%.

However, the number of simplistic "dump him" type replies don't surprise me unfortunately.

purple.sarah

Gingham_R wrote: »

It escalated because you put him in a situation where he was angry and you wouldn't allow him to leave.

He did all sorts of other unpleasant and potentially dangerous things too but I think it's important for you to realise that you hit him, he didn't hit you and you trapped him to prevent him from walking away to gather his thoughts during an argument.

Please get some help before this becomes something worse. Either together or on your own, you need to work out how to deal with arguments in a healthier way for your own sake.

Edit - I hightlighted the first part because if a post by a woman started with 'I spent ages cooking dinner while he was playing computer games' then developed into 'then he blocked my way so I couldn't get out and he slapped me across the face', the responses would not have been so mixed as they have been here.

While she shouldn't have slapped him I can understand why she felt threatened! Throwing furniture and pulling the handbrake in a car going 30 miles an hour are potentially much more dangerous than a slap!

Emmzi

really, does anyone think this is a healthy relationship and they should have counseling, go to al-anon etc?

OP writes it like a train wreck.

londonsurrey

It sounds like a woman who's landed herself a male in need of a ton of counselling, medication, etc, and is bewildered and out of her depth as to how to deal with it.

I don't think she can do it alone, given the state he seems to be in. However, I would like to know that she can at least identify boundaries and methods of keeping herself safe, as I seriously doubt that she's going to ditch him tonight.

Skills in identifying and establishing these boundaries will stand her in good stead, now and in future interactions with other people, be it a romantic connection or not.

scooby088

londonsurrey wrote: »

I didn't say get rid. I said establish firm boundaries.

I apologise but i didn't mean your comments.

FatVonD

Lilly11a wrote: »

Massive arguement with bf last night. he came over and cooked , while i was playing the wii.

A couple of hours later I went to wash up and he had put the dirty grill pan on top of a pile of my paperwork, which I did moan ( not shout) about .


He says that he asked me and I said it was fine to put it there but I honestly don't remember this. And that I am doing this to manipulate him and make him look like a c**t ( his words not mine)


This was then quickly esculated to him throwing my dinning chairs and smashing my plates because i wouldn't let him just walk out.( I did then slap him unfortunatly but I wanted him to stop smashing my plates).


He has then stormed out , i 've eventually picked him up in my car ( we are about 4 miles from nearest train station so not walkable), I 'm driving him to the station and he pulls the handbreak up to stop the car at 30 mph!


He then says a lot of horrible thing about me , ie I'm manipulative like above, I just don't want to be on my own and no one else would want me anyway.


I eventually got him back home after which he had drank half a litre of brandy and fell asleep. I left for work this morning so not sure if he is still at mine or has left as is not answering his phone.


It should be noted he is signed off at the moment with long term depression.


Basically, can you guys reassure me that I am not this horrible person and its the depression talking. He can't see his kids and not talking to his parents at the moment and this cuts him up.


Sorry don't know why I have posted this- just feeling very emotionally drained at the moment. don't know what else I can do

Your boyfriend has done something that not only could have killed you both but could also have killed innocent motorists that weren't involved in your drama and all you're worried about it reassurance that you're not a bad person. Grow up.

jellyhead

So he came over and cooked for you while you played on the wii, and you didn't even pay attention when he asked where he should put the grill pan. I'm not surprised he wanted to leave - you should have let him.

jellyhead

Actually that sounds a bit harsh, sorry. But it brought back memories of a destructive relationship i was in when I was 18/19. Whenever there was an argument he wouldn't let me LEAVE and I just felt so crushed and endangered by it that sometimes I'd have done anything to break free and stop him from imprisoning me. If I did manage to leave he would follow me.

It was absolutely horrible. If he'd let me leave then we probably could have had a sensible discussion the next day, but the way he trapped me made me feel very threatened and meant that I lost all respect for him as a person.

Nobody should ever force another person to stay if they want to leave. He's an adult. If he wants to get away from you, let him.