reassure me please

londonsurrey

scooby088 wrote: »

Same old advice here get rid when we only see one side of the story, I am sure the OP is less from being an angel and probably gave as good as she got in the argument.

Can't say you are a bad person or a failure in any kind of way as I don't know you.

I didn't say get rid. I said establish firm boundaries.

Nicki

Reading between the lines you had both been drinking a fair bit last night. Were you under the drink drive limit when you set off to pick him up?

Sounds like a very destructive relationship on both sides though. How long have you been together and has it always been the same? If not, how long have things been bad?

Gingham_R

Lilly11a wrote: »

Massive arguement with bf last night. he came over and cooked , while i was playing the wii.

A couple of hours later I went to wash up and he had put the dirty grill pan on top of a pile of my paperwork, which I did moan ( not shout) about .


He says that he asked me and I said it was fine to put it there but I honestly don't remember this. And that I am doing this to manipulate him and make him look like a c**t ( his words not mine)


This was then quickly esculated to him throwing my dinning chairs and smashing my plates because i wouldn't let him just walk out.( I did then slap him unfortunatly but I wanted him to stop smashing my plates).

It escalated because you put him in a situation where he was angry and you wouldn't allow him to leave.

He did all sorts of other unpleasant and potentially dangerous things too but I think it's important for you to realise that you hit him, he didn't hit you and you trapped him to prevent him from walking away to gather his thoughts during an argument.

Please get some help before this becomes something worse. Either together or on your own, you need to work out how to deal with arguments in a healthier way for your own sake.

Edit - I hightlighted the first part because if a post by a woman started with 'I spent ages cooking dinner while he was playing computer games' then developed into 'then he blocked my way so I couldn't get out and he slapped me across the face', the responses would not have been so mixed as they have been here.

the_cat

londonsurrey wrote: »

I didn't say get rid. I said establish firm boundaries.

I did say get rid and I stand by it

I would also have advised the Op's partner to do the same if he had posted his side of the story. They are clearly bad for each other and in a destructive relationship (obv going only on what is posted here, none of us know the full story)

No relationship should be continued between 2 people who slap, throw stuff, force people to stay against their will, try to cause an accident whilst in the car etc etc etc etc. It just isn't worth it for anyone involved imo

podperson

Tbh it sounds like you're both as bad as each other - you have an argument so he wants to leave, you won't let him so he breaks some things so you slap him and so on.

If you are going to stay together then you need to talk about how you react to each other when you have a disagreement - as at the moment it sounds like rather then being able to talk things through you both wind each other up so it descends into worse and worse behaviour. Maybe this is partly to blame on his depression - as someone who's partner used to suffer from depression and anxiety issues I know one of his symptoms used to be struggling to control his emotions so if he was getting in a state over something, whether it was angry or upset, you needed to calm him down not wind him up some more. It's something I often found frustrating when I was annoyed and wanted to shout as well but if someone does have an illness then sometimes you need to make some allowances.

However, saying that if you don't feel you can both try and change the way you behave towards each other then maybe it is best to at least have a break while he is working on his issues - as from you've said things can escalate quickly and it would very easy for someone to get hurt.

heartbreak_star

Is he getting any help for his depression? Medical help? If he's not taking the antidepressants/going to therapy/whatever this needs addressing before anything else.

If he refuses to get help, maybe you need to be apart.

HBS x

purple.sarah

You are not a horrible person but depression is not an excuse for his behaviour, he needs to get help, not take it out on you. I have been depressed so I do know how difficult it is, but I also stood by my ex when he had mental health problems and tried to help him and he was abusive to me. You can't 'fix' somebody who isn't prepared to take responsibility for their own actions. He must have seen his GP if he was signed off so what support are they giving him? A lot of GP's surgerys have their own counsellors nowadays, he could also ask what support he can get under IAPT the Improving Access to Psychological Therapies programme. It can take time to get help so in the meantime he can call the Samaritans to talk. Mental health charity Mind also provide counselling. There are professionals out there who can support him so don't take all the pressure on yourself. For your own sake consider taking a break from the relationship and focusing on your own wellbeing, which might encourage him to do the same. As hard as it is to hear, you are not helping him by putting up with this behaviour, he needs to understand it's unacceptable. It's not doing either of you any good to be stuck in this vicious cycle.

PM me if you ever need to talk.

This is a poem that really reminded me of my relationship with my ex and made me realise you can't save other people from themselves. I hope it helps you too:

"The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save."
Mary Oliver
http://peacefulrivers.homestead.com/maryoliver.html

Froom2

I don't know if I'm really the best person to be giving advice here, but I was talking to a mutual friend of both my OH and I, and he gave me some pretty good sounding advice, which might help. I hope I get it more or less like he said...

He was basically saying that when guys feel down they easily feel threatened. And - not for all guys of course - when they aren't doing what makes them feel like 'real men' they also feel down/threatened.

If your guy is both depressed and not able to work, are you 'supporting him' completely? Because that might be really stressing him out and fraying his temper (I know that's a big problem with mine). So you not letting him walk out might have been really hard for him because you were trapping him and not letting him do what he needed to do to get his head right again. Mine has walked out on me a good few times when I've been having a go at him - gone out to the shop for half an hour or just into another room, and I can see now that I was having a go at him in the wrong way in a bad situation.

I'm not saying you're a bad person - you two might just have misunderstood each other completely. Men and women don't work in the same way. Men go into themselves when they feel angry/depressed and women tend more to want to talk about things.

If events like this are happening more and more often, have a think about how you're reacting to him, and how he's reacting to you. Think through what you want in the relationship and perhaps as others have suggested, you will decide that a break for a little while to give you both space is a good idea?

Is your guy any good at communicating with you when you're both in a good mood? If so, then maybe have a chat and see how he feels about your situation together?

~Froom~

londonsurrey

the_cat wrote: »

I did say get rid and I stand by it

I would also have advised the Op's partner to do the same if he had posted his side of the story. They are clearly bad for each other and in a destructive relationship (obv going only on what is posted here, none of us know the full story)

No relationship should be continued between 2 people who slap, throw stuff, force people to stay against their will, try to cause an accident whilst in the car etc etc etc etc. It just isn't worth it for anyone involved imo

I don't disagree with you.
I was objecting to the other poster trying to pull the same-ol-same-old-you're-all-saying-ditch-him thing, when I hadn't said that. If they're going to accuse me of something, they should at least get it right.

Emmzi

I'm not going to reassure you because the situation is totally messed up.

Neither of you sound like you are stable enough to be in a relationship right now. So don't be, until you both are.