Lost my mojo

sexlesswonder

okborednow wrote: »

1) Although other posters have suggested you may have post natal depression I wonder about your mood BEFORE the baby. I'm not a massively highly-sexed person but when i developed depression a year or so ago my interest in sex plummeted to 0. I know it's a while ago but were you actually feeling ok at this point?

I had a very stressful and demanding job. After many years living alone I found it hard to be living with my husband. There's nothing sexy about washing pants or picking pubes out of the bathtub.

okborednow wrote: »

2) In terms of him not wanting to do anything else I think a large portion of it may be him just feeling generally unloved and undesired? Like because you won't have sex you're rejecting him. My OH actually prefers BJs because when he's tired he points out it's me doing all the work Maybe if you went to bed early one night, cuddled up to him, told him how sexy he is (even if you don't think it right now) and how much you want to please him if you started things off with your mouth you may find he really gets into it.

He'll happily take BJs, but he thinks they aren't fair to me because he can't/I won't let him reciprocate.

cazziebo wrote: »

As carefully cautious says - don't be fobbed off. Insist on seeing a specialist.

I just have. It was a 9 month wait to see her. The injection treatment she's suggested will take place in 3-6 months (she hopes).

grey_lady wrote: »

I had similar pain after episiotomy scarring - even saw the consultant who told me it would just take time as scar tissue doesn't stretch in the same way.

Months and months later I happened to be a subject for the final year exam students at the london school of osteopathy - i was having a dodgy hip treated but they do a full consultation and check for any other issues. The examiner double checks everything and she picked up on the fact that my pelvis was squashed up and within 10 seconds she'd freed it - no more pain from what i thought was scar tissue.

That's interesting. This is definitely a scar issue. I don't think any osteo issues are causing it not to heal properly.

I'm sitting here in tears wishing I'd had a c-section now.

sexlesswonder

lostinrates wrote: »

Why has your sex drive changed? For me health can be a driver and the pill was a night mare.

As for excitement....what got you going about him?

The anticipation of only seeing him every couple of weeks. Things took a nosedive when we moved in together.

My previous partners were typical bad boys. Up for anything kind of guys. My husband is more reserved generally, very steady, reliable. Great for everything except bedroom antics it seems! He's never really wanted to experiment much. Once he worked out a route to pleasure he's stuck to it without deviation. His best suggestion to get me going is to watch some !!!!!!.

sexlesswonder

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

When I worked in gynae, it was all too common for my consultant to finally see a woman with such problems and, once she realised all it would take was a small operation to redo the scar and underlying layers, she would sob uncontrollably, as she'd been left for years like this and quite possibly seen the end of her relationship because the GPs refused to accept that this could be treated.

Even somebody I went to school with had exactly the same problem. Two years after giving birth, she spent days just crying all the time - including Christmas Day, as her big brother told me. She was in theatre for roughly an hour and everything was fine afterwards - her life was transformed and she went on to have three children naturally with her partner, who she originally couldn't bear the idea of marrying because she couldn't make love with him.

Thanks. That's what my research led me to believe, but that was before I knew that I had a not-normal episiotomy which apparently makes things more awkward.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

You need to insist on a referral to a gynaecologist who specialises in reconstruction - in many places, there will be somebody who tends to deal with women and girls who have undergone horrendous attacks, genital mutilation and surgical complications. It may not be at your local hospital - but there will be somebody who knows exactly what they are doing and how you can be helped. There may be a hormonal element to this as well - older ladies often experience thinning of the tissues - which may be able to be treated at the same time. A good specialist with considerable expertise in this particular area of gynaecology will be able to tell and advise.

That's who I saw, and even she was surprised by the state of it. She was extremely wary of further surgery, because while healing should be better with unstressed tissues there are risks because of the angle of the cut that could cause continence issues that I don't currently have. Hence trying to treat the muscles with injections rather than re-do the scar.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Perhaps if he were to come with you to the GP to give you some backup in insisting on a specialist referral, that might help, as GPs are less likely to say nothing can be done when there are two people there, rather than one extremely distressed person?

I've been referred to and seen the specialist. This isn't with my GP anymore (thank goodness as her advice was to "get over it" and she didn't even notice that the scar wasn't normal!). I haven't been distressed with anybody (apart from during the totally agonising smear).

coolcait

sexlesswonder wrote: »

...

I've been with my husband for 10 years, married 7. We have 1 toddler.

For a few years before having our child, I had a very reduced sex drive. I literally didn't want sex at all, but went through with it about once a month for my husband's sake. ...

Only had sex twice to get pregnant, and due to nausea and later on exhaustion I really didn't feel like sex. I think we had sex 3 times during the 9 months.

...

So, intimacy was an issue well before you had your baby.

sexlesswonder wrote: »

....foreplay is limited when you can't bear the thought of your husband's face down there, nor his hands or anything else.

Oh, and my boobs are still producing milk, so he can't do much with those either.

...

sexlesswonder wrote: »

... My husband is more reserved generally, very steady, reliable. Great for everything except bedroom antics it seems! He's never really wanted to experiment much. Once he worked out a route to pleasure he's stuck to it without deviation. His best suggestion to get me going is to watch some !!!!!!.

You've ruled out him touching your boobs as a part of foreplay 'to get you going'.

You've also ruled out him touching your genitals with his hands, his mouth or anything else.

And you've ruled out his suggestion of watching !!!!!!.

What ideas do you have for him "to get you going"? Bearing in mind that you have very rarely been intimate over the years - even before you had your baby.

FBaby

It sounds like the problem with the pain is only one issue and that resolving that is not going to resolve the problem.

You expect sympathy from your husband about the physical problem, but it doesn't seem as if you are dealing with the other issue which is the biggest one. Surely what you owe him is to discuss your separate different needs in bed. Your husband is not that different to many, once settled and married, they are happy for a simple sex life. It works for many women. Don't resent him if it doesn't work for you, open the discussion about how you are expecting more.

It is totally unfair to make him believe that you are not having sex with him because of the physical pain when actually you don't have sex with him because you don't enjoy it with him, especially when he has been patient for so long. It sounds like deep inside, he is starting to know that it is not just about this, hence him starting to get angry and saying unpleasant things.

GeorgiePeorgie

I don't want to seem harsh but from this comment

My previous partners were typical bad boys. Up for anything kind of guys. My husband is more reserved generally, very steady, reliable. Great for everything except bedroom antics it seems! He's never really wanted to experiment much. Once he worked out a route to pleasure he's stuck to it without deviation. His best suggestion to get me going is to watch some !!!!!!.

Why did you marry this man? How do you think these 'bad boys' who are reminiscing about would have treated you if you were in a relationship with them at this point. Sex is a two way street you can't expect a man or a woman to be a mind reader, it's such a personal thing. There is no one size fits and you need to COMMUNICATE!

I feel so sorry for both of you in this situation, but I feel that you are at a point where you don't really want to get your relationship back on track. I think you are severely depressed. Every time anyone suggests something on here you are very negative. I think speaking to a GP about your depression would be a better way forward and then look at the physical problem that has caused this.

I do hope you seek help. Do it today speak to a doctor. Be forceful and tell them that the options they are giving you just aren't good enough, as I think you are being fobbed off.

Good Luck!

whitewing

There's an article in The Telegraph that covers some of the issues that you seem to be having (not the medical side though). It suggests a couple of books that may be helpful in rekindling desires

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/10468216/I-dont-love-the-father-of-my-son-anymore.html

sexlesswonder

whitewing wrote: »

There's an article in The Telegraph that covers some of the issues that you seem to be having (not the medical side though). It suggests a couple of books that may be helpful in rekindling desires

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/10468216/I-dont-love-the-father-of-my-son-anymore.html

Thank you for that. There are certainly a lot of parallels.

We've fought again tonight. He told me that unless (other) things change sharpish he'll be leaving before Christmas. He's moved into the spare room tonight.

It's quite easy to want him gone when he's angry and saying really horrible things to/about me. I've tried to look deeper and I'm numb. I don't feel any love for him at the moment, his whole demeanour at the moment makes me think I could never be attracted or want to be close to him again. He's an ugly person to me now.

Perhaps this ship has sailed. Perhaps we should never have been.

What a waste of all those years.

RobotsinDisguse

Oh hunny, I'm sorry you are rowing again, especially after you've been really proactive lately and are finally on track to try treatment.
I don't really have anything to add on top of what I said before but just wanted you to know you aren't alone and that there are people rooting for you x

carefullycautious

It sounds like your hubby cant do right for doing wrong. However, he should not be pressurising you into doing what you cant.

You do know you have a choice of consultant you see anywhere within the country, so ask who is the best and who has the shortest waiting time to see.

I would pay private to see someone quicker.

Reading your latest thread maybe a break from each other will give you some breathing space.

I do hope you get the help you need.