Lost my mojo

sexlesswonder

Regular poster here, but new username to protect my modesty.

I've been with my husband for 10 years, married 7. We have 1 toddler.

For a few years before having our child, I had a very reduced sex drive. I literally didn't want sex at all, but went through with it about once a month for my husband's sake. I put it down to putting on weight, having a stressful job etc. Had hormone tests which showed a slight increase in androgens, but doctor wasn't unduly worried by that.

Only had sex twice to get pregnant, and due to nausea and later on exhaustion I really didn't feel like sex. I think we had sex 3 times during the 9 months.

I had a pretty horrific labour and had to be cut/stitched etc. I scar badly anyway, and the scar is uncomfortable still over 18 months later. Nothing I can do about it, just the way I scar.

Am still carrying a couple of stone of excess weight which isn't helping. Have only had sex 3 times in the 18 months since my child arrived. DH is getting very frustrated by it, but I don't know what to do. Sex is extremely uncomfortable for me. He wants another child (I don't) so I think that's always at the back of my mind. That and the discomfort really puts me off, and I'm so busy and tired being a mum.

How do I sort this out before my husband leaves me?

balletshoes

is sex painful for you physically? Do you want to have a sex life with your OH?

If you do, then you need to sort out the practicalities. If you're tired because you're always on the go being mum/working etc, get someone to babysit for you so you can recharge your batteries.
Do you think date night with your OH might help? Maybe if you had some time, just the 2 of you, you could really discuss how you both feel about your sexual relationship, and you could both maybe explore ways of getting physically close where you don't feel uncomfortable?

Your OH may feel like, because your priorities have (understandably) changed now baby is here, and you're not receptive to his sexual advances, that he's being pushed away. You both need to reassure each other that you don't want to separate, that you want to work together to move forward with your marriage.

claire16c

Have you told your husband about the scarring? So hes not thinking you dont want to have sex for any other reasons i.e him? Are you talking to him about how you feel? I think the worst thing would be not to say anything.

Maybe you should see your gp - you never know they may be able to help. You say its the way you scar - but I have heard stories of women having to go back and have treatment because it was not done properly after the birth.

sexlesswonder

claire16c wrote: »

Have you told your husband about the scarring? So hes not thinking you dont want to have sex for any other reasons i.e him? Are you talking to him about how you feel? I think the worst thing would be not to say anything.

Maybe you should see your gp - you never know they may be able to help. You say its the way you scar - but I have heard stories of women having to go back and have treatment because it was not done properly after the birth.

My scar has been checked. I have other scars on my face and body (had a car accident when I was a teenager and was cut by lots of glass) which show doctors how I scar. GP said there was no obvious problem that could be fixed by having further surgery, unfortunately. She said that it should 'give' over time (sorry if TMI) but it has made me fearful of having sex and I get very tense when we do manage to have sex. It only works if I go on top, and it still hurts and feels like the scar is being tugged.

Husband knows about my scar (but I don't want him to look at it) and initially was understanding after my birth experience etc, but now he just wants sex more regularly. He started off saying that he didn't mind that I was still heavier than usual, but then made comments immediately after sex that there was "definitely a bit more to grab hold of". I actually cried.

Got myself in a right rut.

sexlesswonder

balletshoes wrote: »

is sex painful for you physically? Do you want to have a sex life with your OH?

Yes, it's extremely uncomfortable for me.

As to the second question, I don't want it with anyone at the moment, and can't imagine that ever changing.

System

From what I've read (no experience myself) it's not uncommon for women to completely lose their sex drive after pregnancy, especially if the labour was particularly tough. If you're really finding it difficult (physically or psychologically) it might be worth going to see your GP. If nothing else, at least you could get information that you can then share with your OH. Talking to your OH is really a priority (assuming you're not doing so already), and you should try to do it when you're both feeling good - not exhausted, and not right before he's likely to want to have sex.

ETA after reading your update, is it possible that you have something like vaginismus? This can make sex incredibly uncomfortable, and comes from being unable to relax (I think). I know I'm repeating myself, but a visit to the GP might help.

Humphrey10

sexlesswonder wrote: »

Yes, it's extremely uncomfortable for me.

I can't imagine any physical problem that would make all forms/types of sex uncomfortable.

sexlesswonder

Humphrey10 wrote: »

I can't imagine any physical problem that would make all forms/types of sex uncomfortable.

I don't know whether you are male or female, but pretty much my whole perineum was cut to get my baby out. 20-odd stitches. The cut healed with a lot of hard scar tissue that doesn't stretch somewhere that is designed to stretch.

No amount of lube helps, and foreplay is limited when you can't bear the thought of your husband's face down there, nor his hands or anything else.

Oh, and my boobs are still producing milk, so he can't do much with those either.

Sorry if any of this is too graphic. I've had a couple of drinks and am quite upset about it all. I'm only 32. Is that my sex life over for ever?

sexlesswonder

x-caitlin-x wrote: »

From what I've read (no experience myself) it's not uncommon for women to completely lose their sex drive after pregnancy, especially if the labour was particularly tough. If you're really finding it difficult (physically or psychologically) it might be worth going to see your GP. If nothing else, at least you could get information that you can then share with your OH. Talking to your OH is really a priority (assuming you're not doing so already), and you should try to do it when you're both feeling good - not exhausted, and not right before he's likely to want to have sex.

ETA after reading your update, is it possible that you have something like vaginismus? This can make sex incredibly uncomfortable, and comes from being unable to relax (I think). I know I'm repeating myself, but a visit to the GP might help.

Thank you.

At the moment I'm even avoiding smears (they never bothered me before).

Humphrey10

A scar on your perineum doesn't make your mouth and hands hurt.
Your husband's tongue or fingers stimulating you doesn't require any involvement of your vagina, if you don't want it to.
Sex doesn't need to involve penetration. Don't give up, I'm sure you can find something that is fun for both of you.

SqueekyMouse

I totally sympathise with you, I could have written something quite similar a few months ago

You have 2 problems which feed into each other
1. You have no desire for sex
2. sex hurts

They are separate issues which need sorting independently but feed into each other since if your expecting it to hurt you won't want it at all and if you don't want it in the first place you're not relaxed or ready enough

Sort problem 2. first. Sex should not hurt. Go back to your GP and get help. If your GP says its just the way you scar, go see another one or ask to get refereed to Gynie. You should not have to put up with this. I would imagine you'd want to avoid further surgery, but there are things you can do to make your scar more comfortable. Have you heard of perennial massage? Done everyday it can stretch and soften the skin. Your doctor may also be able to prescribe you some anesthetic cream (instilagel) to use on your perineum in the short term.

Problem 1. Talk to your GP and see if you still have unusual hormone (androgen) levels which could account for your lack of desire and could this be treated

Talk to your husband, explain how you feel. If you remove intercourse from the menu for a while it might take the pressure off you so you could enjoy other things with each other. (don't be too self conscious about breast feeding, if he's not bothered about a bit of milk here and there then don't let it gross you out - I know that's easier said then done)

As an aside, are you on any form of hormonal contraception as this could affect your sex drive

Conversely I would also imagine that you're avoiding sex because your scared of having another baby due to what you went through with this one. Long term contraception *could* put your mind at rest so long as it agrees with you