Lost my mojo

sexlesswonder

SqueekyMouse wrote: »

I totally sympathise with you, I could have written something quite similar a few months ago

You have 2 problems which feed into each other
1. You have no desire for sex
2. sex hurts

They are separate issues which need sorting independently but feed into each other since if your expecting it to hurt you won't want it at all and if you don't want it in the first place you're not relaxed or ready enough

Sort problem 2. first. Sex should not hurt. Go back to your GP and get help. If your GP says its just the way you scar, go see another one or ask to get refereed to Gynie. You should not have to put up with this. I would imagine you'd want to avoid further surgery, but there are things you can do to make your scar more comfortable. Have you heard of perennial massage? Done everyday it can stretch and soften the skin. Your doctor may also be able to prescribe you some anesthetic cream (instilagel) to use on your perineum in the short term.

Problem 1. Talk to your GP and see if you still have unusual hormone (androgen) levels which could account for your lack of desire and could this be treated

Talk to your husband, explain how you feel. If you remove intercourse from the menu for a while it might take the pressure off you so you could enjoy other things with each other. (don't be too self conscious about breast feeding, if he's not bothered about a bit of milk here and there then don't let it gross you out - I know that's easier said then done)

As an aside, are you on any form of hormonal contraception as this could affect your sex drive

Conversely I would also imagine that you're avoiding sex because your scared of having another baby due to what you went through with this one. Long term contraception *could* put your mind at rest so long as it agrees with you

Thank you. A lot of what you say makes sense.

I can't take any form of hormonal contraception because I suffer with thrombophlebitis and so my risk of DVT is higher.

I'll get an appointment with my GP and get my hormone levels tested.

sexlesswonder

Humphrey10 wrote: »

A scar on your perineum doesn't make your mouth and hands hurt.
Your husband's tongue or fingers stimulating you doesn't require any involvement of your vagina, if you don't want it to.
Sex doesn't need to involve penetration. Don't give up, I'm sure you can find something that is fun for both of you.

Have tried that, but DH says he doesn't feel as close unless it's the full monty. Makes me feel awful but at least he's honest!

MummyOfTwo

its simply not good enough for the GP to effectively say 'tough'. there is so much can be done, and i would push very hard for a specialist referral. my friend had a lot of problems after an episiotomy, and ended up after investigations going in for day surgery to have the previous scar 'tidied' up'. no further problems, and two further babies stitch free

the issue with your hubby is almost a seperate thing - you cant expect to fix the mental side of this when physically you are in a state. open up and talk to him, hell, even show him this thread. hes obviously a good guy to let it roll on this long without wanting to upset you, but its time to fix this issue. i would hazard a guess and say you dont want sex because you have a very bad birth trauma and you fear becoming pregnant again. perhaps GP can also refer you to some counselling to talk through your birth experiences.

pebbles88

oh OP (((HUGS))))

I scar very badly too, and i've had health problems & operations which have left me very badly scarred down there too, (pretty much fused together inside from where your bra underwire sits to my underneath) to the point ***TMI ALERT ***i can't use tampons anymore, and sex is only possible in certain ahem positions. So you have my sympathy, unfortunately I think sometimes its hard to describe just how much scar tissue down there hurts so although your husband knows he might not understand just how bad it is.


I've had procedures over the years where they have lasered away some of the scar tissue, which has helped, but the lasering itself causes scarring but this still ended up being less if you see what i mean? might this be an option? Your GP doesn't sound as though he is being particularly helpful :mad::mad:, is it poss to see another one at the surgery? or even to have a talk with the practice nurse if there is one?

I used Bio oil on my external scars & it has softened them a little bit, palmers do a nice cocoa butter oil as well, may be worth trying them? massage a little bit in once or twice a day, it will help the scarring to give a little.

I haven't had children, so I can't really comment on that, but understandably the trauma, both physical & mental from the birth will always be in the back of your mind when you do have sex, fear of getting pregnant, a possible traumatic birth again etc etc. No wonder you don't want to do it.

I really do think it would be worth seeing a counsellor, for you to help you come to terms with whats happened, and also maybe relationship counselling to help you & your husband talk about the problem. He sounds like a good man, who loves you very much. He might just not fully realise just how much this is affecting you & how much it hurts.

You can both get through this, and you will come out the otherside stronger. First step... get an appt with GP/Nurse ASAP, then sit down with husband & discuss what you are going to do. You're not alone in feeling how you do, so please don't think you are, PM me if you want, and don't forget to post on here if you need support. (((HUGS)))

Steel_2

sexlesswonder wrote: »

Have tried that, but DH says he doesn't feel as close unless it's the full monty. Makes me feel awful but at least he's honest!

Well I think your husband needs to back off a bit and stop being daft.

If he thinks it's either the full monty with someone who experiences pain during penetration or he won't do anything at all, then he's getting nothing at all. If he's a bit more understanding and realises that sex is about a lot more he could have a reasonably fulfilling sex life with you.

I really want to come over and give your husband a hard ear flick for being an insensitive git.

I bet he doesn't even realise how he's contributing to keeping the situation at stalemate by wanting full sex. Presumably because he can't be bothered to put himself out and spend a bit more time and effort pleasing you for a few months until you can both find a solution to the issue.

Just for contrast, my husband thinks anything sexual with me is a turn on and enormous fun, whether it involved penetrative sex or not.

Gingham_R

I think relate have counsellors that deal with sexual problems. I'll see if I can find something. I think you could probably do to talk to a sex therapist or someone else understanding and knowledgeable to help you get your oomph back and help your husband see sex as more than just a penetrative act.

Gingham_R

LOL The parental controls on my computer are strict. I can't see it, but I did see the link come up when I googled relate sex therapist.

Good luck.

rita-rabbit

GPs can be useless! Be persistent or change to another more useful one - stating clearly WHY you are changing when you do - a formal written complaint to the Practice Manager & possibly the General Practitioners Committe should help bring their practice into 2012!

What about herbal infustions? http://www.susunweed.com/herbal_ezine/June05/childbearing.htm There is a forum and lots of good natural remedies for libido, tissue mending etc on this site: https://www.healingwiseforum.com/

Steel_2

Gingham_R wrote: »

LOL The parental controls on my computer are strict. I can't see it, but I did see the link come up when I googled relate sex therapist.

Good luck.

Completely off topic, but last year a company emailed me a link to a report they had done. Unfortunately, the strict controls on my work laptop refused to allow me to open the report.

After some discussion with the IT people, it turns out that there were several instances of the word 'public' in the document mis-spelled without the 'l'

I had to phone this terrible professional company and tell them. They were extremely embarrassed.

System

Gingham_R wrote: »

LOL The parental controls on my computer are strict. I can't see it, but I did see the link come up when I googled relate sex therapist.

Good luck.

http://www.relate.org.uk/sex-therapy/index.html