Lost my mojo

Gloomendoom

So, penetrative vaginal sex hurts. What else have the OP and her husband tried?

sexlesswonder

Gloomendoom wrote: »

So, penetrative vaginal sex hurts. What else have the OP and her husband tried?

I have suggested other things to my husband. He hasn't been interested. I occasionally use a vibrator externally (it doesn't try pushing me for more or make me feel guilty for not being able to).

FBaby

OP has said that her husband is not interested in other ways, although it is not very clear as this has come about, ie did he say that he would like it but ultimately would want penetrating sex too, or is he totally against it? I would have thought a man deprive of any sex would be happy to compromise, at least until the can get the full monty again, but maybe not in OP's case.

sexlesswonder

whitewing wrote: »

wonder,

the people on mse who make the most progress with difficult situations may be the people who stick with the thread and chip away at it day by day. There's no magical solution, you already know that, but perhaps you could update more regularly and talk things through on here. There is always, always someone here who will try to help with every sentence you write, but it won't make you instantly better and it may not be as soon as you press submit.

Let us help you get through the rest of the year with all the joy and stress the season brings.

Thank you for this post. I wasn't sure after reading FBaby's post that I should, as it's clearly all my fault.

I had a high sex drive years ago. My husband isn't the most exciting partner I've ever had, truth be told. I think a combination of things hasn't helped.

whitewing

I think Fbaby is trying to show you that both of you need to care about each other and solve it together as best you can, rather than it becoming, if you cared about me, you'd do x, and if you cared about me, you wouldn't ask.

Fbaby hasn't said it's all your fault. We all know there are shades of grey in any situation (excuse the inappropriate pun).

sexlesswonder

FBaby wrote: »

OP has said that her husband is not interested in other ways, although it is not very clear as this has come about, ie did he say that he would like it but ultimately would want penetrating sex too, or is he totally against it? I would have thought a man deprive of any sex would be happy to compromise, at least until the can get the full monty again, but maybe not in OP's case.

He says he might as well "relieve himself" as have me do anything for him. Whenever he tries touching me he always wants to go further than is comfortable. No amount of lube helps. The consultant said that it looks like the scar is constantly pulling and tearing just through movement etc as it looked like a newly healed scar rather than a 3 year old one. Then she went and tore it herself.

It's a "midline" episiotomy, which isn't common in this country. The consultant thought I must have had my baby in the states.

lostinrates

sexlesswonder wrote: »

I had a high sex drive years ago. My husband isn't the most exciting partner I've ever had, truth be told. I think a combination of things hasn't helped.

Why has your sex drive changed? For me health can be a driver and the pill was a night mare.

As for excitement....what got you going about him?

I am of the opinion sex can be worked on together of its just the mechanics. Of DH and I was the more experienced and adventurous. I would not say however I was the more 'exciting'. I think using vocabulary like that is automatically negative. As a couple sex is something that can be explored, some basic comparability in place, and communicated about and continually built upon for mutual 'excitement'.

I think what he is not open to 'other things' is worth discussing between you. Especially as being in the habit of being aroused is in itself arousing and might help you.

whitewing

I do believe that he said that but I wonder if you are both so upset over the situation and all its knock on effects that you are focusing too much on throwaway comments of each other. I can imagine a frustration that could have made that comment, and, in the heat of the moment he probably did mean the comment to hurt you, and there's probably a little truth in he could bring himself to orgasm more easily than you could by the same method - he's probably been doing in since he was a teenager so he's bound to be better than you!
I wonder about some counselling for you both together. It would probably be helpful to you both to voice these kinds of comments in front of someone else. If he won't go with go, go on your own.

How are things with you and your husband this afternoon? What is he doing while you are here? Is he even in the house?

Morglin

sexlesswonder wrote: »

He says he might as well "relieve himself" as have me do anything for him. Whenever he tries touching me he always wants to go further than is comfortable. No amount of lube helps. The consultant said that it looks like the scar is constantly pulling and tearing just through movement etc as it looked like a newly healed scar rather than a 3 year old one. Then she went and tore it herself.

It's a "midline" episiotomy, which isn't common in this country. The consultant thought I must have had my baby in the states.

To be honest, this has become a battle between you, and as (in my mind) the most powerful sex organ we have is our brain/emotion, I'm not entirely surprised that sex is just not working.

What you do next is your decision, as only you know what your relationship is worth to you, but it's entirely unrealistic to expect a youngish man to go without sex for ever, and it's a truism that there will, sooner or later, be someone in the wings willing to give him sex and affection.

If you want to solve it, then I would ask your GP for referral to a psycho-sexual counsellor, but if you don't, then I think you need to be honest with your husband, and just be good parents.

You say he is not that exciting, but if you were more 'up for it', you could tell him what brings you pleasure.

But, no one ever managed good sex in a hostile environment!

I would have a think about how you see your future, because all this stress can't be doing either of you any good, and your child will pick up on it all eventually.

Lin

Humphrey10

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

What sort of comment is that? You obviously have no idea what you're talking about....at all.

January20 wrote: »

As for that comment by Humphrey10, well........... :wall: :wall: :wall:

I feel very sorry for you two if the only sex you can conceive of involves vaginal penetration.

whitewing wrote: »

I guess Humphrey is talking about oral, stroking etc etc.

Indeed.

sexlesswonder wrote: »

He says he might as well "relieve himself" as have me do anything for him. Whenever he tries touching me he always wants to go further than is comfortable.

He does sound rather unreasonable, tbh.