Lost my mojo

Georgiegirl256

@Humphrey10 Absolutely, penetration isn't the only sexual act, and nowhere did I say that. There are times as we all know, when intercourse isn't an option on various occasions, or when one person doesn't feel like it, then as you say, of course there are other ways of achieving satisfaction. I knew exactly what you were talking about.

However, it seems in the OP's case then that wouldn't be a long term solution. It might appease her husband for a while, but after a while he is of course going to want to take it further, and then the arguments etc start all over again. Basically it would act as a temporary sticky plaster over a massive wound in their relationship. Of course, the OP could perform oral etc, but she'd always be living in fear that he would want to take it further, and at the moment, she wouldn't want to, and there you go, arguments, and back to square one again.

The OP needs (if possible) get her scar sorted, then work on the physiological issues from there. Unless these issues are sorted, then the situation is probably not going to go away....and no amount of blowies or stroking etc is going to sort that out.

FBaby

Thank you for this post. I wasn't sure after reading FBaby's post that I should, as it's clearly all my fault.

Thanks whitewing, indeed, I never implied that the problem was all your fault, but you seem to expect total understanding from your husband without showing here that much understanding for his predicament. I did say that I felt for both of you but more for him because in your situation, you still have more control than he does. You are able to go to the doctor and try to sort out the issue so that it doesn't hurt so much. All he gets to do is wait until hopefully you might be in a position to have sex with him again, left wondering whether you might use the excuse of the pain because deed inside, you are just not sexually attracted to him, which as it is, might be what you tried to say in your last post.

Don't get mad with him. He clearly loves you deeply to still be with you and only want to be with you. He is a frustrated man and that is probably getting him to say things he didn't mean and probably feel bad about it afterwards, but what can he do? What do you want him to do? Push away any sexual desires he has for you? How is he supposed to do that? How long should he wait? Have you discussed all this or does any discussion lead to arguments?

bylromarha

OP - do you have spare cash flying around? Just wondering if it is worth talking to a sex therapist?

The physical problem may or may not be solved, but something happened to make you lose your mojo prior to the physical pain. It would be worth exploring the emotional side of it all wth a professional. I know for most girls, sex starts at 7am in the morning in the mind and your head needs to be engaged in the sex as well as your body. Things don't just flip up on command like the male of the species!!!!

I'd *like* to think that sex therapists are offered on the NHS, but not sure they are? Please ask your GP to refer you if they are available on the NHS, or recommend one if you can afford it.

All the best chuck.

carefullycautious

You need to see someone who specialises in this area. You are never going to solve this problem as

a. you are always sore and inflamed
b. you tear on any sort of penetration

THis is not your fault, your husband needs to realise this.

Your GP should be referring you to a Gynaecologist. Try to find out who in the country is the best and ask for a referral. Don't be fobbed off.

I would be ringing around to find out who is the best specialist for this problem.

Just found this article

http://www.practicalpainmanagement.com/pain/other/abdominal-pelvis/therapy-management-childbirth-perineal-tears-post-partum-pain
I wish you all the best.

rach13

Can you get blind drunk once a month and have penetrative sex? followed by a hot bath maybe...

it might buy you a bit of time so to speak....until you can work things out....frustration tends to snowball....

okborednow

First of all HUGS! You sound like you're going through an awful time and I really feel for you. If i was worried about ripping myself open i doubt i could bring myself to attempt sex either. There are two main points I want to raise though...

1) Although other posters have suggested you may have post natal depression I wonder about your mood BEFORE the baby. I'm not a massively highly-sexed person but when i developed depression a year or so ago my interest in sex plummeted to 0. I know it's a while ago but were you actually feeling ok at this point?

2) In terms of him not wanting to do anything else I think a large portion of it may be him just feeling generally unloved and undesired? Like because you won't have sex you're rejecting him. My OH actually prefers BJs because when he's tired he points out it's me doing all the work Maybe if you went to bed early one night, cuddled up to him, told him how sexy he is (even if you don't think it right now) and how much you want to please him if you started things off with your mouth you may find he really gets into it.

As others have said though lack of intimacy and communication seem to be the biggest problems here.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

When I worked in gynae, it was all too common for my consultant to finally see a woman with such problems and, once she realised all it would take was a small operation to redo the scar and underlying layers, she would sob uncontrollably, as she'd been left for years like this and quite possibly seen the end of her relationship because the GPs refused to accept that this could be treated.

Even somebody I went to school with had exactly the same problem. Two years after giving birth, she spent days just crying all the time - including Christmas Day, as her big brother told me. She was in theatre for roughly an hour and everything was fine afterwards - her life was transformed and she went on to have three children naturally with her partner, who she originally couldn't bear the idea of marrying because she couldn't make love with him.


You need to insist on a referral to a gynaecologist who specialises in reconstruction - in many places, there will be somebody who tends to deal with women and girls who have undergone horrendous attacks, genital mutilation and surgical complications. It may not be at your local hospital - but there will be somebody who knows exactly what they are doing and how you can be helped. There may be a hormonal element to this as well - older ladies often experience thinning of the tissues - which may be able to be treated at the same time. A good specialist with considerable expertise in this particular area of gynaecology will be able to tell and advise.



Your husband is being unfair and unkind, but at the same time, he is obviously feeling very rejected and, as you say, you blame him for this in the first place. He didn't think for one minute that having a baby would result in this happening to you. He'd never have chosen this. He'd never have chosen to feel like he's some kind of rapist for wanting to make love with his wife and mother of his child or that you think he's mutilated you.

He has stayed where many would have left long ago - plenty walk out when their wives are pregnant or have newborns because they feel their needs aren't being met (which makes them selfish wotsits, mind, but he has stayed when he could have walked) - he wants to be with you.



Perhaps if he were to come with you to the GP to give you some backup in insisting on a specialist referral, that might help, as GPs are less likely to say nothing can be done when there are two people there, rather than one extremely distressed person?

whitewing

Brilliant post, JoJo.

wonder, you could copy and paste some of Jojo's text into a letter and take it to the GP. Maybe you could also add in some comments about the effect that it is having on your relationship.

cazziebo

rita-rabbit wrote: »

GPs can be useless!

If you let them.

Totally different problem, I'd been suffering for months with a frozen shoulder - constant pain, no sleep, limited mobility. I'm self employed and more or less had stopped work (passing a few good assignments onto competitors :mad: ) My GP had said it will get better eventually.

My SIL nurse told me not to accept that and make sure they knew the impact on my life. Geez - went back and came out with sleeping tablets, anti inflammatories and strong painkillers - and told to come back in two weeks to assess how it was working.

More on topic, still had some continence issues a year after my second baby. My then GP told me it was to be expected with a big baby and quick labour :eek: Another GP in the practice referred me to a gynae who found a tear in the rectal muscle which would never heal itself. I had a pelvic floor repair op that changed my life.

As carefully cautious says - don't be fobbed off. Insist on seeing a specialist.

grey_lady

I had similar pain after episiotomy scarring - even saw the consultant who told me it would just take time as scar tissue doesn't stretch in the same way.

Months and months later I happened to be a subject for the final year exam students at the london school of osteopathy - i was having a dodgy hip treated but they do a full consultation and check for any other issues. The examiner double checks everything and she picked up on the fact that my pelvis was squashed up and within 10 seconds she'd freed it - no more pain from what i thought was scar tissue.