Lost my mojo

whitewing

I have found that with a young child, DH and I don't touch each other half as much as we used to, and this is simply due to us having hands full with child, bags, pictures, toys etc. We are out of the habit and now that our hands are more free, we have to remember to hold hands. Tiredness has made our words less loving too, and again that is just another habit that needs reinvigorating.

Have you tried KY jelly or other lubrication as that can make a big difference to uncomfortable sex, although I don't know about scarred tissue.

It must be difficult for your husband, to want something that is so natural but to know that he is hurting you. I still think there could be more satisfying alternate techniques if you could connect together a bit better.

Could you see if there is any pain management person that you could get referred to specifically for this? Or counselling/CBT? Of course there are very physical reasons for your problems but it may be good to address the 'head' side of things too. I hope you and your husband make it through but even if you don't, you are too young to be without future close adult relationships.

I had bad pnd, and definitely don't want to get pregnant again. So it has been at the back of my mind in terms of enthusiasm, but it is very important to me that we do make the effort more.

ETA: 'emotional' is probably a better description than 'head' issues.

RobotsinDisguse

Oh hunny, I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this, and especially without support from your husband.

I'm glad you persevered to see a consultant. And let's be honest if she couldn't perform an exam without tearing you scar and causing you pain then what hope does your husband have? I really hope he understands this fact.

Whilst lack of libido, fear of pain and pregnancy won't be helping the situation it sounds like right now it would be impossible for you to have intercourse. He needs to understand this.

If he is unable, or unwilling to see that this is a real physical problem which He Is Making Worse and consequently, the penatrive act would be more like rape (sorry, but it really does sound like it), then I must say i think he doesn't deserve you.

You've been through hell, you have tried to accommodate him and he seems to have not done his share of giving the comfort, love and understanding that marriage needs. Sex between loving equals is a wonderful thing, and doesn't have to involve penetration... It's such a shame your husband seems to be putting his desire for physical gratification above everything else.

Georgiegirl256

Humphrey10 wrote: »

I can't imagine any physical problem that would make all forms/types of sex uncomfortable.

What sort of comment is that? You obviously have no idea what you're talking about....at all.

Georgiegirl256

Just realised I replyed to a comment from way back, apologies OP.

Just catching up with the thread now, sorry you're going through a horrible time right now OP.

January20

I'm sorry I have nothing helpful to say but I think your husband really seems to be a completely selfish spoilt brat! No compassion or empathy whatsoever!

As for that comment by Humphrey10, well........... :wall: :wall: :wall:

whitewing

I guess Humphrey is talking about oral, stroking etc etc.

And a big part of sex is about being desirable/desired.

So pretty much what the rest of us are saying, work together to sort it out together and that will require understanding and compromise on both sides.

Morglin

I don't know if this will help, but:

I, to be fair, never had any problems wanting sex after childbirth, the opposite in fact.

Advice given in previous posts, by people, is all good advice

DH and I are disabled, and, to be fair, past our prime, and sometimes with sex, when there is any physical problem a bit of adaptation and imagination goes a long way.

Swinging from the chandeliers , with me yelling things like "Me Jane, You Tarzan" are distant memories.....:eek:

If this is just about sex, then I would talk to your husband, frankly, as the poor guy probably thinks he is the problem.

Talk through ways to give each other some affection and pleasure - hands and mouths don't hurt!

Then, I would seriously think about buying a vibrator. - very few women don't get turned on with those. It doesn't need to involve any penetration at all. The rabbit is very good.

Go into a room, when alone, and practice with it, to see what gives you pleasure, and, then, suggest to hubby that you use it together.

You can do something nice for him as well, do that you both get back on the roundabout, so to speak. Use lube if you need to.

I would think a lot of the pain you describe is due to being turned off and dry to be honest.

But, do explain to him and keep up the affection- a cuddle is worth a hundred shags, at times.

But, if it's about the way you feel about him, then you need to think about what you want out of life.

Hope you sort it out.

Lin

lostinrates

January20 wrote: »

I'm sorry I have nothing helpful to say but I think your husband really seems to be a completely selfish spoilt brat! No compassion or empathy whatsoever!

As for that comment by Humphrey10, well........... :wall: :wall: :wall:

I think there is a difference between totally spoiled brat and potentially feeling unloved, undesired, I communicated with. That OP's pains and stresses are genuine does not necessarily mean his have NO validity.

I had mixed feelings while reading and decided there was not enough information to make a call into how he was feeling, only into how my husband and precious partners or i might feel in similar circumstances. I think that rejection, fear, and feeling unloved can lead to expressions of poor behaviours, especially where communication between each other is not good.

None of that makes OP's pain any less in my estimation though.

FBaby

I feel sorry for both of you, but I honestly feel more sorry for your husband. A life without sex when you are still very much sexually driven is horrible and painful in other ways too. I feel that your husband has been incredibly patient, and much more than many men would.

The problem is that you admit yourself you were not into sex even before your child, so how is he supposed to truly believe that it is all down to the scar? Do you really believe that were there not the physical issue of the scar that your sex life would be perfect and therefore the rest of your relationship?

If sex was too painful for me, I would be camping at my GP/consultant's door telling him I wasn't moving until a solution was considered, rather than wait years to do it. If at the end, there was absolutely nothing that could be done to ease the pain, then I would have insisted on counselling with my husband to see which compromise we could reach so that he didn't have to live constantly sexually frustrated.

Unfortunately, you are not trying to resolve this problem together any longer and have just resorted to blame. You say it is his fault without appreciating the time and patience he has given you to try to get this sorted, and he probably blames you, believing you are using the scar as an excuse because you don't want sex with him anyway. How do you expect to make your relationship work under these circumstances?

whitewing

wonder,

the people on mse who make the most progress with difficult situations may be the people who stick with the thread and chip away at it day by day. There's no magical solution, you already know that, but perhaps you could update more regularly and talk things through on here. There is always, always someone here who will try to help with every sentence you write, but it won't make you instantly better and it may not be as soon as you press submit.

Let us help you get through the rest of the year with all the joy and stress the season brings.