It hurts when I breathe.....even after 9 months

Bubby

Well done to you....baby steps is what worked for me too. I too pulled my part in the break up to bits and it took a long time for me to realise that actually it was his inability to be a husband and part of a family dynamic that led him to leave rather than any "fault" I had.

When it comes to your children it is good for you to take a step back, never stop them speaking to him or badmouth them around him but children are very wise and will make up their own minds what sort of relationship to have with their parents. Some children get over it and some childen find that even at a young age they cannot forgive the leaving party. It is not your responsibility to manage his relationship with them or put their committments on hold "in case" he wants to see them. Run through their schedule with him for the times he will be around and he will need to fit around them. Any parent that loves their children will see them before any other social life.

Taadaa

I feel really bad for you.

Definitely try and limit your contact with him, including removing him from FB - there's no point in torturing yourself. You will drive yourself insane.

It sounds a bit like (and I haven't read all of the posts so forgive me if I am wrong) that you still haven't quite accepted that it is over. it sounds like it really is hun - he has a new relationship and has for some time. From your comment on him saying 'no going back' - he means it, so there is no point in you raising it with him.

It's time to concentrate on just you and your children, and building a new life without him. You will see the positive in that in the long run - you will be able to make decisions without having to consult anyone, for example. When your children are older, you will have more freedom to do what you want - take up dancing classes or whatever. You may not have had these opportunities had he stayed with you. Best of luck.

BeauBelle

Taadaa wrote: »

It's time to concentrate on just you and your children, and building a new life without him.

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in all this. My soon to be ex ran off with a very good mutual friend at the end of January leaving me with 2 children under 5. I understand totally where you are coming from and if you ever want to PM me for support then feel free.

I think Taadaa's advice above is what you have to focus on. Its taken me a good while to realise this and now I am busy trying to build new memories with my children that don't involve their father. I am at a point where my decree nisi is being applied for and I am happier than I have been in ages. I am trying to focus on rebuilding my life and remembering all the plans I had for my life before I married and trying to make some of them reality.

Take care, try and look after yourself well, I have found if I eat small amounts often, I feel able to cope better. I have bad days but they are getting fewer, I have nothing to do with my ex. When he rings the children, I just give them the phone. If they don't want to talk to him, then he just has to get on with it. He only sees them every other Sunday for a couple of hours, so maybe I am lucky in this. But it is horrible and I hate it but I am putting my children first, they need to still see him and what they think of him walking away when they realise what he did, is not down to me. They will make their own minds up.

BB

dundeediva

Mashmallow your story makes me so sad

I can't imagine what you are going through, I have never even been married (engaged for a LONG time but never married) but you need to realise that you have done all you can.

You fought hard to save your marriage, which is highly commendable, so many people just don't care about marriage anymore. You tried, he didn't. You can go on with your head held high because you did all you can.

Now you need to get it into your head that being like this is no good for your children. Kids are very intuitive, even if you keep them out of whats going on they will know that you aren't happy and they need a strong and happy family unit, whether that be a single parent home or not. When I was 9 my mum split with her husband (not my father) and i remeber for weeks before they just didnt talk, and she was sad afterwards, she went from a wealthy household to a "normal" one and we had to adjust but after a while she was genuinely so happy. PLEASE be happy, don't dwell on the past. He's not worth it after all. Tell yourself how amazing you are and walk with your head held high!! Time for you to dust off the old you and have some fun :T xx

JustinCredibleGillespie

BIG hugs to you Mashmallow and well done, your getting stronger by the day

JCG

xx

Seanymph

oh well done you!

Next time he'll be more respectful and be where he is supposed to be I don't doubt.

Remember it's not about being difficult, just respecting yourself so he has to.

If you said you would get in touch then I would sort out when they are available, and offer that time to him - I would also ask him to give you xxxx days notice or organise something xxx days in advance so you can be sure they haven't made other plans. THEY haven't made other plans, not you making them.

Bless you for being so brave. Nothing like a bit of dignity to remind us of our value.

Caroline_a

Brilliant!! Well done you! It's so important that the children have reliable contact with their dad, rather than last minute changes of arrangements. Hopefully he will learn that if he wants to see his children he will have to make a good amount of time to set aside for them as well as a good amount of notice for you.

If you start working longer hours things will change drastically and he will have to fit in with your timetable! Additionally, when they get to be teenagers and have their own busy social lives... well, he's got all that to come!

However in the meantime you seem so much more positive, so hopefully we have all helped a tiny bit!

Sambucus_Nigra

Well done so far.

I think the next step is for you to request that he formalises his contact in the 3 weeks that he is back each time. So [for example] week 1 - 2 evenings/days at the weekend, week 2 one evening in the week and week 3 2 evenings/days at the weekend. Otherwise you will always be at his beck and call and with so little notice it will muck your plans up each time.

DUKE

You're on your way, you go girl!

determined_new_ms

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Well done so far.

I think the next step is for you to request that he formalises his contact in the 3 weeks that he is back each time. So [for example] week 1 - 2 evenings/days at the weekend, week 2 one evening in the week and week 3 2 evenings/days at the weekend. Otherwise you will always be at his beck and call and with so little notice it will muck your plans up each time.

I totally agree with this Mashmellow.

Can you send him an email or is contact always by phone? I think it would be a good idea to say the kids have commitments on xyz days and are free on abc over the next couple of weeks. I would then say its probably for the best for the children that they have some idea of when they will see their father so could you agree on regular times/days for them to see him and agree a meeting place for dropping off/picking up?

If he comes back and is being obtuse rise above it and say for[whatever reason] that's not convenient how about xxx.

You need to continue with this excellent mindset you are getting into. Don't let him call the shots but also don't call them to "get one back" just have respect for yourself organising things that are convenient to you and the kids and not saying how high when their father says jump.

My friend when she split with her ex she spoke to a child psychologist (she used to be a journalist and it was for an article and had a complicated life, father, step father, grand parents and she was working in London so out from 6am till 7.30pm) and the psychologist advised drawing up a calendar for her dd which showed where she would be on which day and with who.

Well done Mashmellow! Really looks like you are beginning to turn a corner, am really impressed with how you are doing after a few short days :T :A :T