It hurts when I breathe.....even after 9 months

janninew

Ohh Marshmallow I can really feel the hurt in your posts and I'm sorry that you are going through such an awful time.

I was in your position a good few years ago, my now ex husband had an affair and left me, I had no idea and thought everything was fine. We didn't have children together so my situation is slightly different to yours.

You are grieving at the moment and trying to get things straight in your head, I was the same and it took me around a year to get my head sorted out. Make an appointment at the Doctors, I did this and sat and cried in my Doctor's surgery for 30 minutes. He listened to me and gave me something to help me sleep. I lost over 2 stone and at my lowest weighed just under 7 stone! I would go days without eating. I remember very vividly sitting on my sofa and crying uncontrollably for hours and days at a time, I thought nobody could possibly understand how I was feeling and nobody had ever felt as bad as I was feeling.

I spent all that winter isolated at home with the curtains shut. I would go to work in the week, go home on Friday and not see/speak to anybody until Monday. I cut myself off from all my friends and family.

Eventually things started to get better, I started to see friends more and start socialising. I did it when I was ready though, plenty of people told me to 'basically pull myself together,' I would have done if I were able to, but I believe I had to go through that awful period in my life to recover.

At the start of the New Year I gave myself a good talking to and started to make very small changes. I decorated my front room and moved my bedroom furniture around. I wanted my house to be all mine and nothing to do with my ex husband.

Not entirely sure what my advice to you is except maybe make that Doctor's appointment if you haven't been already. I just wanted to let you know like many others on here that we really do understand how you feel. Things honestly get better, I remember people telling me that and I didn't believe them at the time, but it really will get better.

Take care and keep posting.

xx

londonsurrey

Mashmallow wrote: »

Thanks for your replies. I've put the phone down on the sideboard and walked away but I always feel guilty and sorry for him if they don't speak....I interact and remind them about their day, tell them interesting things to say to him, so it ends up feeling like I've had a conversation as well.

I think I need to get tough and not care if the kids ignore his calls......I will answer the phone, and call 'dads on the phone'.....or should I just leave it up to them to answer?? My son is 9.....is he old enough to decide if he wants to speak to his dad? Or should I just pick up, shout dad, and leave it on the side for them?

I know it's a pretty simple task, but it always ends up in tears.....I've heard his harsh tone of voice if they have mentioned my name....or they ask if dad wants to speak to me and he says no.....sad I know, but you look for small things just to take the pain away, and instead, his phonecalls reinforce it.

By all means feel sorry for him, as you know how much he's missing out on. But do not feel guilty - it's an emotion that wastes energy to no avail, and you haven't done anything wrong. YOU honoured YOUR part of the marriage contract!

It's entirely up to you whether you answer the phone. I suspect that the constant ringing will get on your nerves, and will find it easier just to answer it and call the children, but leave them to it. Let him work on making them want to talk to him on the phone.

If he's idiot enough to make them uncomfortable for having the temerity to mention their mother, in whose care HE left them, and who makes up a huge portion of their life, he's just being stupid, and that's no way to win a child over.

Cuddle them, enjoy your love for them, and savour the fact that you have them. Some women really lose the plot, and walk out on their offspring. So while you're feeling understandably very very down and vulnerable, you're actually doing very well, and you're keeping up with the important bits (unlike the *^$%" who is not in tears, has the temerity to reappear and show his displeasure at various bits, but he's the one who threw himself out of this unit!)

Welshwoofs

Mashmallow wrote: »

Why is that the mentality of people these days?? Done?? What is wrong with wanting to fight for my marriage?? I am not meaning to sound ungrateful or unappreciative for everyones comments, but it's just like move on.....let it go....put it behind you.....it's over....done............just like an old pair of shoes that doesn't suit any more.......

Why should that be the case?? Why is it completely acceptable to just move out of your family home, and start a new relationship within weeks?? .

To put it bluntly, you're not fighting for your marriage, you're trying to cling hold of a man who doesn't want you anymore. Who has moved on. Forget about wanting answers because you won't get any and even if you did get some you a) won't like them and b) they'll simply raise more questions.

There is an old adage that there are only 2 things in life you shouldn't worry about - those things you can control and those things you can't control. You can't control him so stop picking at that wound. However you can control yourself and that means picking yourself up and acting like a dignified, strong woman. Even if you don't feel that way, you fake it until you make it.

So, stop contacting him over and over because what it's going to look like from his end is that you're desperate and needy...do you really want to give him that ego boost? Nope, what you need to do is accept it's done and work on yourself and your own self-esteem, be happy with your own life and come out of it stronger and more independent.

I split up with my partner of 10 years last year and yes, I spent a few weeks being an A-Class self-pitying wet lettuce leaf. But slowly and surely you build up and now I just wonder why the hell I didn't do it sooner.

jetplane

It sounds as if you are stuck in a place where you can not accept what he has done and are willing to try anything to make him realise the error of his ways. It's not going to happen. You need to go for councelling, bereavement councelling if need be but you need to do this for your children and yourself. No one is expecting you to grieve and have moved on in 9 months, but you should be moving forward.

Most 5 & 9 year olds are difficult to have a phone conversation with, how many times do we ask them what have you done today? And they answer nothing. But if you can't speak to your ex for more than 5 mins without becoming distressed no wonder he reacts badly when the children say do you want to speak to mum?

I know this sounds harsh but as others have said your ex has moved on and if it was he who was posting on here then I think it would be something along the lines of his ex harrassing him 9 months down the line.

Gather all of your strength and dignity and make a new future.

FatVonD

Isn' t there an expression that says something like 'the definition of madness is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting the outcome to be the different'? You already know that begging and heartfelt pleading doesn't work so why are you still doing it?

Change tactics (it may not win him back but it'll confuse the hell out of him ) When he next turns up ask him nicely to take a box of his stuff with him that you found somewhere (have it ready packed by the front door.) Buy your eldest a cheap mobile and give him the number and ask him to call him directly next time instead of calling the house phone.

As Welshwoofs says, fake it 'til you make it.

jetplane

Seanymph wrote: »

What do you replace that hope with?

Dignity.

You breathe deeply, pull on a cloak of complete dignity and you act with complete dignity in all your dealings with him.

You aren't fighting for your marriage - you are desperately clinging onto something that has already gone - and it's very destructive behaviour.

It will be a hard habit to break - I left an abusive relationship and asked my counsellor why I still 'missed' him - I was amazed I did - she said after years of habit it was hard to break, even a destructive habit.

You are currently not behaving in a dignified manner, you are not doing yourself any favours and you are acting out of desperation - not to save your marriage, but to organise and control your life in a way that makes it more tolerable for yourself. But you aren't. You are making it harder for yourself.

Sooner or later you will have to let go and move on. He already has.

The sooner you do the work, the sooner it will stop hurting to breathe. It's a transition you HAVE to move through - so, you may as well get on with it.

View everything you do, and decide to act with dignity in all things - set yourself goals, tasks, challenges - enjoy your children - you will never ever get these years back, and if you don't focus on them and enjoying them they will suffer in ways that aren't apparent to you now, but will be in years to come.

Their relationship with their father will suffer if he has to minimise ties with them in order to put space between you and him.

Make changes in whatever way you need to - but start acting like the woman you want to be.

^^ This ^^

Person_one

*max* wrote: »

I agree, the point I was making was that pretending to not care in order to be attractive to him would be a mistake.

There is the old 'fake it till you make it' though.

Acting happy, confident, strong, doing the practical parts of moving on even when you don't feel it deep down can get you to the stage of really feeling it deep down a little bit quicker.

Its about making new habits, its completely understandable and fine to wallow and cry and not want to face the world for a while after a devastating blow like this, but after 9 months it isn't doing any good and its time to break that habit and try a new one. Genuine misery isn't making things better, maybe acted positivity can help a bit.

ETA: Welshwoofs beat me to it and put it better, must read whole thread.

*max*

Again, what I said was "pretending to not care in order to be attractive to him would be a mistake", as it would be just another way of trying to win him back, which is counter productive and will only end up in tears again because he still holds the power.

It's different from pretending not to care/stopping all unnecessary contact and trying to remain dignified in a hurtful situation, which brings the "power" back to the offended person instead of the offender. I'm having trouble being clear today...

Seanymph

Yes, you answer the phone shout 'it's your father' and hand it over then you WALK AWAY.

He is responsible for his relationship with his children. Not you.

Why on earth would you feel guilty? I would think what you like is the contact with him, you like being a part of the conversation....... stop it, you aren't helping yourself at all by involving yourself.

Go and water the garden, or cut the dogs fur, or run a bath, or bake a cake - anything that means you cna't possibly be called upon. And when they have finished ask them NOTHING about the content of the call.

Bless you, I remember it, it's not lack of sympathy this advising you to back off, it's empathy. I know it will make you feel better in the long run, even if it's a bit nasty now - think of it as medicine.

Hand over the phone and walk away. With dignity.

maypole

Seanymph wrote: »

Yes, you answer the phone shout 'it's your father' and hand it over then you WALK AWAY.

He is responsible for his relationship with his children. Not you.

Why on earth would you feel guilty? I would think what you like is the contact with him, you like being a part of the conversation....... stop it, you aren't helping yourself at all by involving yourself.

Go and water the garden, or cut the dogs fur, or run a bath, or bake a cake - anything that means you cna't possibly be called upon. And when they have finished ask them NOTHING about the content of the call.

Bless you, I remember it, it's not lack of sympathy this advising you to back off, it's empathy. I know it will make you feel better in the long run, even if it's a bit nasty now - think of it as medicine.

Hand over the phone and walk away. With dignity.

That's the key, keep your dignity. You must be hurting so much and it cannot be easy for you, but by trying to contact him as you were in the beginning, makes you look like you are desperate, you might be feeling that way, but don't let him know that.
Keep to your own standards, don't drop to his, be as fair as you can and don't bad mouth him to the children, that way he has no comeback at you. At least this way he will know you have self respect. Hold your head up high, don't pretend to be anyone but yourself.