It hurts when I breathe.....even after 9 months

aliasojo

Mashmallow wrote: »

What is wrong with wanting to fight for my marriage??

Absolutely nothing. I think more people should make more effort to save their relationships, especially when children are involved.

BUT, it takes 2 to agree to try. Your husband isn't interested in trying.

You cannot save a relationship where one party is paying more attention to moving on rather than fixing what's broken.

I feel so sorry, your hurt is bursting out your posts. I think you are just not able to accept the finality of it all yet which is why you are clinging to the hope you can sort this out.

The more you appear to cling to him,the more you will confirm in his mind that he's done the right thing.

You start living again one step at a time. Do one thing new in your routine tomorrow, even if it's only something simple like going to the library with the kids.

shegirl

Mashmallow wrote: »

I know.....it's just like it all meant nothing to him.......I needed to know that I meant something, anything to him. But what I got was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Two kiddies, a home, a family a lifetime almost.....and nothing. Gone.....doesn't want to know. Will the penny drop with me (and hopefully him) one day?? I am blaming myself for everything right now, and nothing anybody can say to me can change that. I'm trying really hard.....but failing.

Of course you meant something hun,he's just an idiot.

Don't blame yourself and don't do the typical thing of looking at what he does with her and feeling !!!! (remember what it was like when you two first got together eh?I felt carp with seeing what my ex was like with the woman he cheated on me with,then I remembered what we used to do at the start and after and what they're doing now doesn't compare ).You were hid wife,so you were special,you are the mother of his children so were special.I know you won't feel special now but you were and you are still special to those who deserve you.Men don't always go completely cold too,they often still care but have to hide it.

Don't go chasing him and don't give up on yourself.

I don't see it as acceptable to do what he's done but there's nothing you can do about it.It's horrible but you have to remember your worth.

DEEBEE_2

Marshmallow.. I feel for you. My ex husband left me almost 4 years ago now for his freedom too - motorbikes, travelling the world, that sort of stuff... he brought the hairy homewrecker into my home and she met my son. it was a terrible time in my life and for a long time I was minutes a way from suicide and seconds away from self harming as I was in so much pain, I used to pull my hair till it came out in clumps and pull my lip till it bled. but no one could see what I was going through or how I suffered - least of all my ex husband.

I know that sounds so dramatic - but it was true and it took a very long time and some intense counselling for me to start to feel a little bit normal. I was like a robot too, the main reason why I got up in the mornings was because my son needed me that's why I call him my sunshine - he's the reason I get up every day.

I was a good wife, I am a good mother but family life at that time was not what he wanted. He was 38 and all I can think of is that it was an early mid life crisis. he is now living with the third woman he's been out with since we broke up.

The day I got married, I was certain it was for life. I meant every word of my vows, but he clearly didnt. He took my vows away from me, he took my future away from me, he hurt me in the worst way possible and it was awful. At the end, my ex hurt me too badly and I knew I would never be able to trust him so I chose to let the marriage go even though it almost killed me at the time. I do believe in the sanctity of marriage, I do believe that you should try to save it - anything and everything possible. but as others have pointed out - if he's not willing to try there's not much you can do. I tried for 3 weeks after my ex brought the HHW into my home but he wasnt interested at all and at the end of the day I wasnt willing to be with someone who wasnt my no 1 fan, he defended his girlfriend against me and my son. we werent his priority and I wasnt prepared to accept being second best to some tramp who blew in and turned his stupid head with promises and dreams - none of which have ever happened by the way. He's never travelled, still hasn't got a motorbike and is now living with the woman who used to give him a ride to work when we were first married.

i have reasons for this long winded post. the main reason is so you can see/tell I've been where you are albeit I chose a different path. I've two other things to add.

Firstly - I think you need counselling to help you deal with the pain you are suffering. Anti depressants on their own are not going to help you get through this. If the worst as you see it comes to the worst and you guys dont get back together, counselling will help you come to terms with it.

Secondly - Him leaving wasn't your fault. It was his and his choice. There isnt much you can do about that at the minute. What I will say is this - the way you have been fighting for your marrige so far hasn't worked, if anything its pushed him further away. If you really want him back you need to change your tactics. Sending texts and e-mails - stalking him hasnt worked so try the opposite, just for a little while and see what happens. Any time he sees you, make sure you're well dressed, hair done make up on etc and looking like you're having the time of your life, be indifferent if he seems to think there's a change in you. Stop looking like you're desparate to have him back, be just a little bit indifferent when you guys have contact. Its worth a try.

In the meantime - look after yourself, you need to put yourself and your children first. Do small nice things for yourself and your kids - start making new memories and remember for as long as you're chasing him he holds power over you. Take back control - dont run after him. He'll soon notice and you'll get your power back. By all means, save your marriage. Just make sure its on your terms too.

Bubby

Marshmallow I feel so much sympathy when reading your post. I have been in your shoes:(:( I doted on my husband he was the love of my life and it took me a long time to get over what he did to me. It won't help you now because it will just seem like words but you will get over this, you won't wake up one day and feel better but day by day, month by month and year by year you will realise that he has occupied your mind a little less and that you woke up feeling a little less lost and cried a little less. I never had the feeling of what did I see in him but gradually I cared less about what he was doing etc and cared more about my own life.

Like you I believe in marriage for life and I felt that he had taken all of my beliefs away from me and I was forced to raise my children in a different way than I wanted.

You can be strong, at times you will be suprised at how strong you can be. Please keep posting for support

A_Phoenix_of_Tangerine

We are not defined by our partners. We are defined by how we respond to Life. Make it one that you wish to live - don't go putting all your hope in the one person who is no longer worthy of it.

sharrison778

Mashmallow wrote: »

Why is that the mentality of people these days?? Done?? What is wrong with wanting to fight for my marriage?? I am not meaning to sound ungrateful or unappreciative for everyones comments, but it's just like move on.....let it go....put it behind you.....it's over....done............just like an old pair of shoes that doesn't suit any more.......

Why should that be the case?? Why is it completely acceptable to just move out of your family home, and start a new relationship within weeks??

I think I probably can't see the wood for the trees right now, but I'm scared to lose hope....hope is the only thing that's keeping me going right now.

Sad I know.....but I told you I was sad.

Because as others have said, both parties have to want to fight.

We are only hearing your side too. For all we know, your husband felt the relationship was 'over' long before he actually moved out. Maybe he is ahead of you in the process of coming to terms with the fact that the relationship is over.

I say that because people can view things differently. My partner and his ex had been seperated for 4 years, living in different houses and totally seperate lives. When he finally pushed to finalise a divorce, she asked him how he could give up on their family and that they hadnt even tried counselling. In his mind, it was over, but she still had hope for all those years.

Not saying its the same, clearly less time has passed in your case OP, I'm just trying to say that there's no right or wrong speed when it comes to emotional healing.

Seanymph

What do you replace that hope with?

Dignity.

You breathe deeply, pull on a cloak of complete dignity and you act with complete dignity in all your dealings with him.

You aren't fighting for your marriage - you are desperately clinging onto something that has already gone - and it's very destructive behaviour.

It will be a hard habit to break - I left an abusive relationship and asked my counsellor why I still 'missed' him - I was amazed I did - she said after years of habit it was hard to break, even a destructive habit.

You are currently not behaving in a dignified manner, you are not doing yourself any favours and you are acting out of desperation - not to save your marriage, but to organise and control your life in a way that makes it more tolerable for yourself. But you aren't. You are making it harder for yourself.

Sooner or later you will have to let go and move on. He already has.

The sooner you do the work, the sooner it will stop hurting to breathe. It's a transition you HAVE to move through - so, you may as well get on with it.

View everything you do, and decide to act with dignity in all things - set yourself goals, tasks, challenges - enjoy your children - you will never ever get these years back, and if you don't focus on them and enjoying them they will suffer in ways that aren't apparent to you now, but will be in years to come.

Their relationship with their father will suffer if he has to minimise ties with them in order to put space between you and him.

Make changes in whatever way you need to - but start acting like the woman you want to be.

Caroline_a

Absolutely agree with Seanymph. You are clinging to something that now only exists in your mind. What he did was (in your opinion) wrong, but unfortunately life often sends you curved balls.

Now is the time to be a real woman - we are in reality the stronger sex, I have seen time and time again women bringing up families in appalling situations, and still able to laugh and be strong. You have 2 children. They now have to be your priority. Imagine what sort of an example you are setting if you are sat in a Miss Haversham type world, not moving on, yearning for a man who has done and dusted with your relationship a long time ago. How will you feel if he and his new woman have a child?

So my advice to you is this. Move all the furniture round. Redecorate. Get rid of anything that was 'his' or send it to him. Get your hair done. Get fit. Lose weight if you need to. Find new hobbies and friends. Take the kids away for a weekend. Get a pet. Do something that you like but your ex didn't. Start being positive about change, because you now need to be the best example you can for your children. And being a weeping, sad, negative woman is not what they need as a mother.

I'm sorry if I have sounded harsh, but read some of the threads on these boards, and see what a lucky lady you are. You are the only one who has the power to make your own future. And it can be amazing.

BugglyB

Another poster on a different thread recommended a website called surviving infidelity. They have a forum which is mainly americans but full of people going through a similar thing.

9 months is no time at all to recover from something like this. Be kind to yourself and draw strength from others around you. Caroline_a I disagree with your advice above which basically boils down to suggesting the OP should 'pull herself together'. If that that were as easy as it sounds I doubt she would be posting on here in such clear howling desperation and pain.

Hermia

Mashmallow wrote: »

I'm one of those old fashioned kinda girls who believes (stupidly I know) that marriage is for life. We live in a throw away society now, and nobody works at anything any more.

Mashmallow wrote: »

Why is that the mentality of people these days?? Done?? What is wrong with wanting to fight for my marriage??

The thing with having a particular moral belief is that you cannot assume other people share it. I think for your own personal sanity and happiness it's sometimes better to let go of the 'X should have behaved in a particular way because that is what I would have done' thinking. I think your husband has acted like an idiot, but he may have been unhappy for a long time and therefore feels that he has thought about the decision. Obviously, he should have talked to you and tried Relate etc.

You are obviously shocked at the moment, but would you really want a man back who doesn't really want to be with you? Who is with you because of guilt and duty? It sounds a long-term recipe for unhappiness. Have you thought about having some sort of therapy? You sound like you need a third party to help you to move on.