It hurts when I breathe.....even after 9 months

Caroline_a

Just a thought - your children are old enough to understand what has happened, could it be that they don't really want to talk to him as they hate the fact that he's hurt mum so much? I had a friend whose son (ok a year or so older than yours) refused totally to talk to his father when he up and left. As far as I know he never ever did, certainly not when I last heard, which was when he was 18. If this is the case there is nothing you can do, except show your children that you can cope, that life is now going to get better and that you are all going to move onwards and upwards!

It is then for your ex to mend the bridges with his children.

hazyjo

Was gonna say the same as Seanymph - definitely a combination thing. Some/most men would love to be 'looked after' in the way you looked after him.

As for the suspicions, maybe it was unjustified, maybe he was having an affair, maybe he didn't do enough to reassure you he loved you... whatever the reason, it's probably 'the two of you together' that caused those feelings - don't beat yourself up over it. Someone will come along one day who you will trust. I wish I had trusted my instincts more when my first husband left me. I've been out with others I've known not to trust, others I've trusted with my life. Only one other has cheated on me (one I trusted after being with over a year) which was a kick in the teeth, but no tears shed and went out and snogged someone else's face off that night - hey, maybe not everyone's way of dealing with it, but it worked for me! The thing is, going through a horrible break-up, you know you'll never be made to feel that bad again. You gain some control and dignity from it. I prefer me now to how I was back then.

For whatever reason, it's not worked out. There is no point in analysing it any further than it needs analysing. Someone I once knew called it all 'onion peeling' - always another layer, always more tears... it's pointless.

Jx

maypole

I'm glad you feel a bit better. It will take time, I know there are always two sides, but don't take it all on yourself. Enjoy life with your children.

londonsurrey

Sleep if that's what you need. Don't forget to drink to keep hydrated. Can you nap somewhere where the sunlight falls on you? At least keep your curtains drawn. It's good stuff for depression. Think of it as akin to Vitamin C for when you have a cold.

pixelation

http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
Can you do the 180? Not for him, but for you?
It sounds like the phone call was a really positive step forward and that you can takes baby steps now.

londonsurrey

Mashmallow wrote: »

My little girl has a party at tea time, so we already have plans. Tomorrow is football for my son, then a play date for my daughter Friday tea time. He'll think I'm being awkward.....again, can't win!

He can think what he likes, his choice.

Always start with the facts. The children have a schedule.
If he wants them to be available, it's really simple. All he has to do is ask what days/afternoons/evenings they have available in the next week or month. At that point, you'll tell him.

Simples. If he thinks that that's you being difficult, then he's being simple.

Stephb1986_2

Well done, it's his loss at the end of the day love. He will most certainly be missing the kids but that was his choice and it's pretty obvious that the kids don't want to talk to him which is his own doing.

Steph xx

maypole

When he asks for something, don't reply in the negative, for instance, if he asks to have the children at a particular time, don't say "no they are doing something else, perhaps say, "could we make it another time please, they're doing such and such" just so it doesn't look like you are being awkward.
I can't stress enough, keep up your standards. It must be hard but you don't want to give him any reason to criticise you. Good luck.

Gingham_R

I really feel for you so much. You're grieving and you're depressed. These are 2 separate issues and I think you need to go back to your GP and arrange counselling to help you through. The anti-depressants are great, but you need someone to help you work through all this too.

Have you seen moodgym? http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome It's worth trying to work through something like that so you can become aware of what your negative thought processes are.

Re contact with the children and their father:

Try stopping calling him your ex and refer to him as their father. It changes the emphasis from his relationship with you to his relationship with them.

You could tell him you are going to let him know 2 weeks in advance what the children's schedule is and he can let you know, with suitable notice, when he's going to be picking them up and bringing them home.

Tell him you are going to support his contact with his children but that you are going to (as suggested above) simply pass the phone/speaker phone over to the children and leave the room. HE is responsible for this contact and as long as you provide opportunity for this, there is no reason for you to be involved further.

If you are getting upset about the phone ringing/not knowing if it's him on the line and you'd rather not speak to him, what about giving the children a mobile for him to contact them on or asking him to arrange times to call, so that you aren't thrown by an unexpected encounter with him?

You don't have to have him pick the kids up from home. He could pick them up from a friend/family member's house so you don't have to see him for a while.

You could probably benefit from as little contact with him as possible.

You could ask for arrangements for contact to be done by email only or even through a friend.

Whatever works for you. The important part is you taking charge, bit by bit, with that wonderful cloak of dignity. And talking and talking and talking to other people who will listen and care. He isn't the person to talk to.

The spiral of negative thoughts is what's holding you back. You can break them if you accept help. Can you show your GP this thread?

consultant31

(Quote)........enjoy your children - you will never ever get these years back, and if you don't focus on them and enjoying them they will suffer in ways that aren't apparent to you now, but will be in years to come....... (Quote).

This quote from Seanymph is the bit I think you should concentrate on. Your children are growing up while you are hankering after a man who cares nothing for you and very little for his children as far as I can tell.

You have made a huge step forward by answering the phone as you did, now start to build on this foundation and make memories that your children can look back on with affection.