It hurts when I breathe.....even after 9 months

*max*

sophieschoice wrote: »

In my experience, there is nothing more unattractive to a man than a woman falling apart. Whatever the justification and even if it's the man's fault!
Conversely, a woman seen to be enjoying life (and the key word here is 'seen') and taking every opportunity offered suddenly becomes VERY attractive to him.
It's an ego thing. They love the fact you can't cope and their nose is severely put out of joint if they believe you are not only coping but enjoying it!

A big mistake though, if you want to add on to this, would be for her to pretend she doesn't care just to make herself more attractive to him in the hope of winning him back. It would be just as unhealthy (for herself) as the way she is acting now.

The point is, who cares if falling apart is unattractive to him? The only person it affects is herself; she should want to feel better for herself, and certainly not for him.

sophieschoice

I was looking at it from her present point of view which is that she WOULD have him back.
If she concentrates on 'pretending' to have a good time it's still better than moping around. By the time she's done this she will be feeling better and probably wouldn't dream of taking him back! Saying she should want to feel better for herself in the midst of her current misery is all very well and noble but I doubt it will help right now. Her self esteem and self worth has all but disappeared.

*max*

I agree, the point I was making was that pretending to not care in order to be attractive to him would be a mistake.

sophieschoice

I can only speak from experience and it worked for me!
Selfish men wouldn't care if their ex was wailing and miserable, it would just make them feel good. However, letting them see their ex happy (and glamorous if she can manage it which is a win win) and attractive to other men will give them food for thought.

JustinCredibleGillespie

Seanymph wrote: »

What do you replace that hope with?

Dignity.

You breathe deeply, pull on a cloak of complete dignity and you act with complete dignity in all your dealings with him.

You aren't fighting for your marriage - you are desperately clinging onto something that has already gone - and it's very destructive behaviour.

It will be a hard habit to break - I left an abusive relationship and asked my counsellor why I still 'missed' him - I was amazed I did - she said after years of habit it was hard to break, even a destructive habit.

You are currently not behaving in a dignified manner, you are not doing yourself any favours and you are acting out of desperation - not to save your marriage, but to organise and control your life in a way that makes it more tolerable for yourself. But you aren't. You are making it harder for yourself.

Sooner or later you will have to let go and move on. He already has.

The sooner you do the work, the sooner it will stop hurting to breathe. It's a transition you HAVE to move through - so, you may as well get on with it.

View everything you do, and decide to act with dignity in all things - set yourself goals, tasks, challenges - enjoy your children - you will never ever get these years back, and if you don't focus on them and enjoying them they will suffer in ways that aren't apparent to you now, but will be in years to come.

Their relationship with their father will suffer if he has to minimise ties with them in order to put space between you and him.

Make changes in whatever way you need to - but start acting like the woman you want to be.

The best advice I have heard. This really does put things into prespective. Some of the ladies on this forum would put Dr.Phil out of job. I mean that sincerely, you are a bunch of lovely people here xx

clearingout

My ex tried to come back after a year. I was daft enough to take the time to listen to what he had to say. Within days, he was off again, my heart was in pieces again and I felt I had gone back at least 6 months in terms of my recovery. He did it, I believe, to see if he could, to see if he still had safety net in place if things didn't work out with the other woman.

Some 3 1/2 years after him leaving me, I'm fine. I dont' have a new relationship but I'm happy within myself and working on me and friendships and a new career and of course, my children. He is not so fine - having recently split with the other woman for the....at least 3rd time (I've lost count if I'm honest) and he's hanging about my doorstep just a few seconds longer than he needs to, trying to engage me in conversation. I can't stand him. He's horrible and he literally makes my skin crawl! I see him, our marriage, the person that he is in a very different light these days.

hang on in there as it does get better. But saying that, you have to make an effort. Stop contacting him and work out what you want to do with the rest of your life - change career if you want to, start keeping bees, take up knitting....find the one thing in the back of your head that you always wanted to do but have always had excuses for not doing and then do it! Focus on the good stuff - like finishing the last drop of wine rather than have him tut at you for doing so, having the TV remote to yourself, being able to wallow in the bath, leaving the milk out of the fridge (or putting it away)....and before you know it, the small good things will become bigger good things and you'll be feeling OK.

londonsurrey

I know it hurts. It hurts beyond anything.

This is going to sound stupid, but get a hot water bottle or electric blanket. See to your bodily needs. The warmth in bed, holding you snugly, will help your body relax, if only for a moment. Your brain needs the break from the pure pain.

He didn't go off because of you. He went off despite you. You loved him, but although it sounds harsh, you were deceived. Look at all those poor women who were in love with a man who turned out to be their pimp - they thought they were simply loving a man who loved them. B*st*rds abound, in varying degrees, some presenting to the world as normal decent standard members of society.

Like has been mentioned before, and I appreciate it's the last thing you have the energy for, fake it till you make it. Learn to love yourself. You're so used to directing your energy to doing stuff for him, you've forgotten how to love you and care for you properly.

pmlindyloo

Some lovely and supportive advice on here.

The fact that you are beginning to realise (by coming on here and talking about it) that things can't go on as they are makes me believe that you are 'on your way'.

Do not feel bad about feeling so hurt. People react in different ways. Some will reach for the scissors and cut up the clothes of their ex and scream and shout. Others will text/email and believe that he will 'see sense' and return. Others will retreat and become the 'hurt one'.

It is only time that will tell - a bit of a cliche but so true.

Take one day at a time. You will get there.

Caroline_a

Ok. You can't force the contact for them. If I were you I would answer the phone, call the kids, put the phone on speaker phone and say outloud something like 'I'll leave you 3 to chat then.' Then ask your oldest to replace the receiver when the conversation is over and WALK AWAY.

Go and have a bath, do something that cannot be easily left. You cannot do this for him. If they don't talk to him that isn't your issue. Then when he wants to spend more quality time with the kids he will need to work out a way to do it, rather than putting the onus on you!

londonsurrey

You can't be responsible for him being totally dim. If he assumes that they're not talking on the phone because you're discouraging them, then he's choosing to.

For heaven's sake, he's met them! Lol. Surely after all these years, he knows they don't like the phone? The fact that the phone is the method of communication is his choice. Not your problem.