It hurts when I breathe.....even after 9 months

hazyjo

If you're honest, is it him you miss, or the security, the familiarity, the support, the love, the marriage...

You say you didn't have the strongest of relationships. Try to think of it as fate, that something better must be out there for you.

I married someone I'd been with for around 6 years. He left me 3 months after getting married (had started an affair 3 days before our wedding). It wasn't him I missed, it was the things I'd mentioned above. I was 30, I thought I'd be having kids, thought I had my future mapped out, and it damaged me beyond belief. I look back now and, despite my life being a bit upside down at the moment, am very glad it wasn't him I ended up with. I thought I was in a happy relationship - and was to a certain extent - but I try to remember the things that wound me up. Him falling asleep on the sofa every night, the way he was all chatty with other people, almost saleman-ish (everyone loved him), yet I got the side which didn't talk and wasn't very understanding or supportive. The list goes on if I really think about it.

Try not to check up on him. Try to cut him out of your life as much as possible. Could he collect kids from grandparents or something?

I think it's in a lot of our natures to obsess over people. I've left people before only to find they're happy with someone else and it eats away at you. I dumped a bloke once yet was jealous and livid to find he was dating someone he'd befriended on FB. I used to search for pics of him (and her) and look for things to criticise, I'd look through mutual friends' photos too. And I'd read forum posts where I knew he'd be adding stuff. All absolutely ridiculous. I wasn't in the slightest bit interested in him, I must've felt that I'd not meant anything. We don't generally cope well with any feelings of rejection.

All you can do is build your own life up. If you do have to see him, spend a couple of hours getting ready. Look bloody gorgeous. Makeup, hair done, clothes nice, and say you're off out to wherever. You can be sitting at home with a box of chocs for all he knows, but let him think you're dealing with it. Keep an air of mystery about it all - and make sure you smile! I'm not saying you will, or should, get him back. The way you are now will have him running for the hills. If you feel good about yourself on the outside, you will feel better inside.

Make sure you go out and have a few nice nights/days out - with and without the kids!

Jx

toshkininny

Was gonna post, but previous poster (Hermia) has said everything I want to say! Go to your doctor and ask for counselling, because you need to get your act together for your children now.

Penny-Pincher!!

Mashmallow wrote: »

Why is that the mentality of people these days?? Done?? What is wrong with wanting to fight for my marriage?? I am not meaning to sound ungrateful or unappreciative for everyones comments, but it's just like move on.....let it go....put it behind you.....it's over....done............just like an old pair of shoes that doesn't suit any more.......

Why should that be the case?? Why is it completely acceptable to just move out of your family home, and start a new relationship within weeks??

I think I probably can't see the wood for the trees right now, but I'm scared to lose hope....hope is the only thing that's keeping me going right now.

Sad I know.....but I told you I was sad.

This situation is NOT acceptable Marshmallow, but he has made his mind up and he doesn't want you anymore. He has happily moved on with a new partner, a new life and you are no longer included in it. Its very sad and very unfair and marriage should be for life in an ideal world, but we don't live in that.

You don't sound ungrateful and I totally agree with how you're feeling.....How bloody dare he leave you, the kids and your marriage and move on so quickly when you're in despair, denial and struggling to come to terms with it!!!!!

I know its difficult but at the moment the kids need to be prioritised and you need to focus everything on them. You need to try and stay strong for them. Do you have a job or a hobby that you could try and focus on?

I truly hope you get some kind of neutralness and realise that you're not to blame. Keep smiling.

PP
xx

suki1001

I write this is a child of parents who split up because my dad left and because you really remind me of my mum.

My dad walked out on us, my mum was similar to you in her reactions. Total shock, questioning, completely confused as to why he'd left.

I think my dad wanted to leave for a while, but my mum didn't see it coming. I saw it a mile off. She couldn't understand, she did everything for him, but I just knew the marriage wasn't right.

She grieved, but I couldn't understand why she wanted to be with him, I saw the signs, the looks of frustration from him and she spent months going over and over in her head what she'd done wrong and post mortuming everything he did.

When relationships break up, they're not black and white, they just sometimes aren't right. I think he's done you a favour, you don't want to be with someone like him. When you get over this part you might find yourself thinking "I can't believe I used to run around and make his tea at x o clock everyday." You will find fault in him and see that he's probably not Gods gift to women, if anything you will wonder what you saw in him.

As someone pointed out do you really want to try and get him back, when he might not want to be there - you're worth so much more than that.

I think the thing that worried my mum was that she was going to be on her own, however she's now very happily married.

There is life beyond him and I think if you could look back at this time, you will see that it can be better.

How do you get your life back?

I think even if there was a chance you got back together, that for now you should act like that's not going to happen. I think you should realise that you are worth more than hanging around for someone who actually isn't worth it (and from reading this I don't think he is). You are worth so much more than hanging around on tenderhooks waiting.

By the time my dad asked to come back, my mum realised , he just didn't have anywhere to stay and she turned him away (thank goodness).

My dad wasn't an awful man, perhaps stupid in the way he left, the relationship just wasn't working. He did my mum a huge favour, she just didn't see it at the time. He too I think jumped straight into a relationship.

Do you know what though, I feel very sorry for people who have to go through their lives trying to sort their heads out by jumping from one relationship to another, who don't have the ability to just get some space from a situation and work out how to be happy and that's what you should think about him - pity. I pitied my dad.

I feel sorry for your husband that he has to behave this way to sort himself out, that in order to make himself "happy" he has to cause a path of destruction in order to do that and behave so selfishly that it hurts others, do you really want to be with someone like that? Someone who wants to run away to solve his problems. By problems, I don't mean you by any means, I mean he is the root of his problems, he's just taking them with him. Don't take on his problems by trying to blame yourself, if he can't sort a marriage out, if he has to run away, then he is not worth it. You on the other hand would have been prepared to work it out, take it as a compliment that that is the type of person you are and use that fact to have some sort of determination to helping yourself. You may not feel you have much strength now, but that part of you that wanted to work at your marriage will come in handy when you're feeling a bit better. Focus that determination on yourself, find out about yourself and realise that you don't need him to make you feel better.

shegirl

suki1001 wrote: »

I write this is a child of parents who split up because my dad left and because you really remind me of my mum.

My dad walked out on us, my mum was similar to you in her reactions. Total shock, questioning, completely confused as to why he'd left.

I think my dad wanted to leave for a while, but my mum didn't see it coming. I saw it a mile off. She couldn't understand, she did everything for him, but I just knew the marriage wasn't right.

She grieved, but I couldn't understand why she wanted to be with him, I saw the signs, the looks of frustration from him and she spent months going over and over in her head what she'd done wrong and post mortuming everything he did.

When relationships break up, they're not black and white, they just sometimes aren't right. I think he's done you a favour, you don't want to be with someone like him. When you get over this part you might find yourself thinking "I can't believe I used to run around and make his tea at x o clock everyday." You will find fault in him and see that he's probably not Gods gift to women, if anything you will wonder what you saw in him.

As someone pointed out do you really want to try and get him back, when he might not want to be there - you're worth so much more than that.

I think the thing that worried my mum was that she was going to be on her own, however she's now very happily married.

There is life beyond him and I think if you could look back at this time, you will see that it can be better.

How do you get your life back?

I think even if there was a chance you got back together, that for now you should act like that's not going to happen. I think you should realise that you are worth more than hanging around for someone who actually isn't worth it (and from reading this I don't think he is). You are worth so much more than hanging around on tenderhooks waiting.

By the time my dad asked to come back, my mum realised , he just didn't have anywhere to stay and she turned him away (thank goodness).

My dad wasn't an awful man, perhaps stupid in the way he left, the relationship just wasn't working. He did my mum a huge favour, she just didn't see it at the time. He too I think jumped straight into a relationship.

Do you know what though, I feel very sorry for people who have to go through their lives trying to sort their heads out by jumping from one relationship to another, who don't have the ability to just get some space from a situation and work out how to be happy and that's what you should think about him - pity. I pitied my dad.

I feel sorry for your husband that he has to behave this way to sort himself out, that in order to make himself "happy" he has to cause a path of destruction in order to do that and behave so selfishly that it hurts others, do you really want to be with someone like that? Someone who wants to run away to solve his problems. By problems, I don't mean you by any means, I mean he is the root of his problems, he's just taking them with him. Don't take on his problems by trying to blame yourself, if he can't sort a marriage out, if he has to run away, then he is not worth it. You on the other hand would have been prepared to work it out, take it as a compliment that that is the type of person you are and use that fact to have some sort of determination to helping yourself. You may not feel you have much strength now, but that part of you that wanted to work at your marriage will come in handy when you're feeling a bit better. Focus that determination on yourself, find out about yourself and realise that you don't need him to make you feel better.

Completely agree with all of the above,especially that in bold.People who jump from one relationship to another are not happy people.Often they feel they need something or someone.If you can't be happy on your own you will never be truly happy with someone.If you can't spend good time on your own without jumping from one to another you're just seeking something -doesn't mean it's love.Pity him and any others who may be like that,because they are missing something and attempting to fill it with something else.

Some brilliant posts on this thread,I must say.

Keep your head up,do some new things and be you.That is the most important thing.You need to be yourself,rediscover yourself and do things you couldn't do before

j19842

I suggest a holiday just you and the kids, if that's feasible etc..

shegirl

j19842 wrote: »

I suggest a holiday just you and the kids, if that's feasible etc..

Definitely a good idea.Nothing like a nice break away!

Something that helped a friend of mine,when her husband left,was redecorating her bedroom.She got rid of all the bedding,got herself a new bed and completely redecorated the room making it girly!

ItchyFeet

Caroline_a wrote: »

So my advice to you is this. Move all the furniture round. Redecorate. Get rid of anything that was 'his' or send it to him. Get your hair done. Get fit. Lose weight if you need to. Find new hobbies and friends. Take the kids away for a weekend. Get a pet. Do something that you like but your ex didn't. Start being positive about change, because you now need to be the best example you can for your children.

I agree with this - DO STUFF rather than obsessing about the whys for a while. These are really good positive suggestions - make changes. After a while you'll find that you thought about something else for a few minutes and that there are other things going on in your world - it hasn't just stopped.

sophieschoice

In my experience, there is nothing more unattractive to a man than a woman falling apart. Whatever the justification and even if it's the man's fault!
Conversely, a woman seen to be enjoying life (and the key word here is 'seen') and taking every opportunity offered suddenly becomes VERY attractive to him.
It's an ego thing. They love the fact you can't cope and their nose is severely put out of joint if they believe you are not only coping but enjoying it!

FBaby

Not everyone deal with separation, whatever it is we become separate from, in the same way. Some, more often men, do tend to be able to put things in the past easily and focus on the future and present. It doesn't mean that this past has less significance, just that it becomes the past quickly.

Other people, like you -and me- don't separate past/present/future so categorically. I too struggle to move on from anything because everything I become committed to becomes part of who I am. The prospect of putting an final end to anything I put my heart into feels me with dread. Even when it is the choice i make, I don't like cutting ties. I am still in touch with my first boyfriend who I fell madly in love with (and now see how lucky I was that he decided to set me free!!!). Even those I've lost touch with, I constantly think of and always wish to hear back from.

Your husband is now focussed on his new life, but like many have said he most likely grieved the end of your marriage much sooner and much quicker, so it leaves you with a disparity that makes you feel that your marriage and family meant so little to him at the time.

I think you will move on now very suddenly once you start focussing on forming new relationships that bring you emotional support. Doesn't have to be a new boyfriend, just new caring people. Of course, the minute your heart beats again, you will suddenly see your husband in a very different light. Don't dispair and don't feel bad about yourself, it will really happen and it can be very sudden.