Is my husband being unreasonable or is it me ?

babymoo

My dad would be horrified if I had started walking home at 11pm on a saturday night, even if it was only 30 mins down the road. When I was 16 my best friend lived 25 mins drive from us and I am lucky that both her parents and my parents would taxi us to and from each others houses equally, however we both had weekend jobs and always contributed towards the fuel, it was only £5 for the weekend but then 9 years ago £5 fuel would get you a damn site further. Does she ever offer to contribute to fuel?

I passed my driving test at 18 as I wanted the freedom to be able to come and go whenever I liked and to be able to get to my friends house. I will now pick up my father from the pub and take him home when he wants me to, I dont drink and rarely go out in the evening and I feel it is a small price to pay for all the tooing and froing he did when I was younger.

I would personally get to the bottom of why he won't do it. If it is sheer laziness then yeh he is being unreasonable, if it is because he doesn't want to miss out on having a beer then alternating should be sufficient, if it is because he wants to teach her some indepedance then perhaps give the girl a mobile, ensure she has credit on it and money for taxi/bus and tell her that if she gets stuck or feels uncomfrtable or is in trouble then to call and one of you will meet her.

Also get your driving lessons done, it is by far the best thing you will ever do!

pineapple

I can see where your husband is coming from but don't think he should balk at the occasional lift.
By all means learn to drive but you shouldn't be doing it just for this reason.
The boyfriend's mother has been generous in bringing your daughter back and your family should pull its weight too.
It is not acceptable, as others have pointed out, for the lad to be walking home for half an hour at that time. The world has changed since your husband was a teen.
Is he worried it's going to be a weekly chore or might be 'the thin end of the wedge'?
Agree a compromise as suggested including varying the day if Saturdays are the problem. But look into public transport and if you can afford it, pay for the occasional taxi ride back.
If he is concerned about 'free taxi service syndrome' or your daughter not learning responsibility, another solution would be for her to do a few extra things around the home in return for the occasional lift. Simples.

FatVonD

When I was 16 I had a boyfriend that lived in Acton (I lived in Mitcham at the time.) He'd come with me part way on the tube then I'd do the Northern Line stretch to Morden alone then get the last bus from Morden Station. My parents were beside themselves with worry (I can understand that now!) but I was working by then and did pretty much as I pleased.

I do agree that people were much more relaxed about 'stuff' when I was younger (we all knew there was a flasher in the park next to my primary school and it was kind of accepted!) but times have changed, adolescents in those days didn't carry guns and knives, people weren't totally off their faces before they even went out. I spent my 20s happily walking home from parties in Croydon the early hours of the morning and felt totally safe but nothing would get me into Croydon town centre on a Saturday night now!

I wouldn't want my son walking home past pubs/through a town centre that time of night though I did let him skateboard home last Saturday night from about 15 minutes away in a residential area just before 11pm (he's 14.)

I'll often give his friends a lift home after dark and when he starts having girlfriends round I'll be happy to drop them home, I'd see it as much as a lesson to my son that he needs to ensure any girlfriend gets home safely as anything else.

lazer

I'm another one that thinks that 10mins every fortnight for his daughter isn't too much of an ask.However, if that 10mins is combined with other taxing for you, your parents etc, I can see why he is getting frustrated about it. However, his daughter safety is important, and if the Bf's mum runs her home every weekI think you should be doing your share too. My own parents are absolutely wonderful when it comes to giving lifts (Even now and i'm in my late 20's)We used to live 3 mile from town in a rural area and my friends lived 6 mile from town in the other direction, and they didn't want me hanging around getting taxis on my own, getting a taxi in my town was difficult after the pubs closed. So my dad would come and collect me around 2am and still would, as they just don't like me being out late on my own. My fiance is generally with me now, so we do get taxis or just walk.I remember one night being out when my brother was home from uni, and we walked home, not getting home to around 3.30am, and they went mad, as they didn't know where we were.I have recently moved out (again) - moved to uni and then stayed in my uni town for another 9 years, home for holidays, and some weekends, and then was back home for 6 months before buying my own place locally. My parents have always told me to call them at anytime, and if i'm out and going on to a house party or something to call them and just let them know even if it is 2am.I repay the kindness by being on call to do various little things for them, and i also got my mum a car (well give her my old one instead of selling it!)

Lunar_Eclipse

karen23 wrote: »

those that are of the mindset that children should be more independant and parents less over protective, have ever been attacked or in a situation where they were seriously worried for their safety?

I'm not in the camp you mentioned, however I'd like to comment because I think you raise a good point.

Firstly, they are many ways we help our children become independent. Getting themselves home late at night isn't necessarily one of them.

I experienced an attempted rape/kidnapping when I was 13. It was in a foreign country and I probably wouldn't have lived to tell the tale if I hadn't managed to escape. Whilst scary & surreal, I'm not damaged by the experience, except that I'm aware that my life from that moment on could have been very different.

(Probably therefore), I won't knowingly put my children, or anyone I know, in a situation where this type of thing could happen. Where possible, I want them to feel safe. They can step out of their comfort zone in other areas of life! That doesn't mean I wrap them in cotton wool. No-one would say I'm over protective with my children, in fact several comment on how brave I am to allow them the freedom that I do (obviously without knowing what I just posted.)

It's all about risk assessment, knowing there are risks with everything but being sensible. I don't think it's sensible for young girls and boys to be out alone, late at night, when it's avoidable.

Taadaa

I think saying he will never go and collect her is being unreasonable. Saying that he will collect her every couple of weeks is reasonable; every week, a bit much. After all he might want to have a couple of drinks, or for you both to go out every now and then. I wouldn't want my children walking that distance at 11pm at night.

bright_side

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I'm not in the camp you mentioned, however I'd like to comment because I think you raise a good point.

Firstly, they are many ways we help our children become independent. Getting themselves home late at night isn't necessarily one of them.

I experienced an attempted rape/kidnapping when I was 13. It was in a foreign country and I probably wouldn't have lived to tell the tale if I hadn't managed to escape. Whilst scary & surreal, I'm not damaged by the experience, except that I'm aware that my life from that moment on could have been very different.

(Probably therefore), I won't knowingly put my children, or anyone I know, in a situation where this type of thing could happen. Where possible, I want them to feel safe. They can step out of their comfort zone in other areas of life! That doesn't mean I wrap them in cotton wool. No-one would say I'm over protective with my children, in fact several comment on how brave I am to allow them the freedom that I do (obviously without knowing what I just posted.)

It's all about risk assessment, knowing there are risks with everything but being sensible. I don't think it's sensible for young girls and boys to be out alone, late at night, when it's avoidable.

Thank you, by 'over protective/more independant' I was only referring to the getting home safely in the dark issue and you explained it a whole lot better than I ever could I didn't wrap my children in cotton wool, despite perhaps wanting to, but when it comes to their safety, that will always come before anything else that I might rather being doing.

Person_one

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Firstly, they are many ways we help our children become independent. Getting themselves home late at night isn't necessarily one of them.

Indeed. Of course its important to hep your children learn independence, you don't do this by just refusing to do anything for them, that just teaches them they can't rely on you for a favour.

I had a boyfriend at 15 and our parents would take it in turns doing the 20 minute drive between the houses.

As soon as we were 17 they both gave us driving lessons as a birthday present and within a few months, ta da! No more taxi service!

You can't become an independent adult overnight, a 16 year old doesn't have the same options as an adult so its not fair to expect them to behave like one. An independent adult can stay over at her boyfriend's if she wishes, or learn to drive, or pay for a taxi with money from her full time job that most 16 year olds don't have!

I'm pretty sure those of us who were ferried about by parents still mostly manage to muddle along in the 'real world' despite being so coddled. Maybe we're even more willing to do favours for our parents at the drop of a hat because we know they'd always do the same for us.

Dunroamin

I'm puzzled to read all the posts that think learning to drive at 17/18 will make their offspring "safe". Far more young people are injured in traffic accidents when they're driving than do from being attacked when on foot or public transport.

mintymoneysaver

And it's also a lot more expensive to insure a 17 year old on a car than it is to give them a lift once a fortnight. I drive my daughter home from her boyfriend's once a week, and often more but I'm classed as being mean sometimes, compared to some of her other friends who seem to get lifts here, there and everywhere even though they have bus passes. I do make her get the bus if it's light.