Urgent help please...is he lying?

krlyr

Child from divorced parents here and yes, we can get over it. I don't actually have anything to do with my dad because of the way he acted in regards to the split (he was cheating - again - and also tried convincing us kids that our mum was mentally ill, imagining the affair, etc.) but I get along fantastically with my mum. We work together, my OH and I go for dinner most weekends, we get along great with my stepdad too. I feel like I've actually gained a friend as well as a mother because she is so much happier now than she ever was in the marriage to my dad. Your kids will notice your unhappiness no matter how hard to try to cover it up and I feel that's more damaging than a divorce itself.

suki1001

krlyr wrote: »

Child from divorced parents here and yes, we can get over it. I don't actually have anything to do with my dad because of the way he acted in regards to the split (he was cheating - again - and also tried convincing us kids that our mum was mentally ill, imagining the affair, etc.) but I get along fantastically with my mum. We work together, my OH and I go for dinner most weekends, we get along great with my stepdad too. I feel like I've actually gained a friend as well as a mother because she is so much happier now than she ever was in the marriage to my dad. Your kids will notice your unhappiness no matter how hard to try to cover it up and I feel that's more damaging than a divorce itself.

Child from divorced parents too. I can only say staying in a troubled marriage, is only like papering over the cracks. I remember my mum shocked one day because she came home and found a letter on the mantlepiece from my dad saying he had left. She was completely taken aback and didn't expect it. As a child I guessed what it was and wasn't in the slightest bit surprised.

It was only worse in that my mother fell to pieces and I went totally out of control, but did it need to happen, well, yes. I just wished my mum hadn't burdened me with it all and had been a bit stronger.

Anyhow, the out come is that they are finally happy and married to lovely people, although my dad has just married his 3rd wife, I am very happy for both my parents. They just should never have got married to each other in the first place.
To be honest it totally f'ked up my teenage years when they split because of how my mother fell apart, but I'd have probably had a breakdown if they'd have stayed together.
This wasn't a violent marriage where they argued all the time, it was much more subtle than that. It was just an unhappy one, but as children we could feel it, even from just little looks - there was no love in that marriage.

Maureen43

An update from me. I have confronted him, and he eventually admitted to having a profile on Plenty of Fish and contacting a few women. He denies meeting anyone however. He thinks there is something wrong with him in that he needs excitement and a secret life. He wonders if counselling might help with this.
He won't let me sign on to his account (so is he still hiding something?) but did tell me his user name. This didn't give me much on POF, however I have googled the user name (not an everyday one) and found posts on other sites relating to looking for gay encounters. This person describes his physical appearance just like my dh and is also based in the same town.
I suppose it is possible there is someone else with the same name, but again I am thinking this is too much of a coincidence.
I would really appreciate your views on this, as a sanity check to my completely out of control thinking at the moment.
How am I doing otherwise? Frequent panic attacks........

ailuro2

honey trap??

Li0nhead

Maureen43 wrote: »

An update from me. I have confronted him, and he eventually admitted to having a profile on Plenty of Fish and contacting a few women. He denies meeting anyone however. He thinks there is something wrong with him in that he needs excitement and a secret life. He wonders if counselling might help with this.
He won't let me sign on to his account (so is he still hiding something?) but did tell me his user name. This didn't give me much on POF, however I have googled the user name (not an everyday one) and found posts on other sites relating to looking for gay encounters. This person describes his physical appearance just like my dh and is also based in the same town.
I suppose it is possible there is someone else with the same name, but again I am thinking this is too much of a coincidence.
I would really appreciate your views on this, as a sanity check to my completely out of control thinking at the moment.
How am I doing otherwise? Frequent panic attacks........

Sounds like you are doing things the right way to me.

Maureen43

Well, we have had a long chat, and lots more stuff has come out, so that is it now, marriage over.

We are now talking separation and divorce.

I have a feeling like burning in my chest, constantly now for a week. I shake constantly. Am I having a breakdown?

msb5262

Maureen43 wrote: »

Well, we have had a long chat, and lots more stuff has come out, so that is it now, marriage over.

We are now talking separation and divorce.

I have a feeling like burning in my chest, constantly now for a week. I shake constantly. Am I having a breakdown?

Not at all, OP. You are having a totally normal and understandable reaction to an awful shock.

I'm really sorry this has turned out to be such a major thing. You have been very brave but you are bound to cry, shake, panic and generally feel awful for a while as your whole life has changed.

Take care of yourself and keep posting here if you find it helpful.

Best wishes

MsB

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Maureen43 wrote: »

Well, we have had a long chat, and lots more stuff has come out, so that is it now, marriage over.

We are now talking separation and divorce.

I have a feeling like burning in my chest, constantly now for a week. I shake constantly. Am I having a breakdown?

No, you aren't having a breakdown.

It's natural to feel anxious, to be upset, at this time. The feelings you describe are perfectly natural - it's the adrenaline going through your body causing them.


You aren't having a breakdown, but you are under a huge amount of stress - stress that won't magically disappear overnight - but stress that your GP could help you deal with.

Make an appointment and go and see them.

FizzledOut

I'm so sorry, OP. I know that burning lump in your chest - had it for two months after I found out about my husband and messages between him an another woman (if you think it would help, my post is Secrets, Lies and Spying). Anti depressants - and quick. Let me find a way of coping with just the day - to - day stuff, never mind the huge life changing stuff. I felt like I couldn't take a whole, deep breath. Also check out http://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/ - lots of support there. Look through the forums, read other peoples stories.

This is a cr*p time, it won't get better quickly, but it will get better. Or so people tell me ... xx

Dawning

Maureen, well done on dealing with this like you have. Before my ex and I got divorced I found a lot of gay dating sites on his laptop. I never found out if he had met anyone but after being married for 20 plus years and assuming he was straight this was a horrible shock. I didn't find any evidence of him messaging any other women though.
Anyway, I felt how you describe physically.
Agree with the other posts...go to your GP on monday, talk to whoever you can trust, friends or family someone will be there for you. Believe me you WILL get through this. Divorce is hard, but you will get through it.
Keep posting here too, if you like, there's a lot of good support on this board.
Good luck!