Urgent help please...is he lying?

robpw2

have you ever heard the phrase curosity killed the cat ....

seriously i do not condone lying cheating etc but what some of the people on here are suggesting is that you do the same in order to catch him .

right first things first if you don't trust him you never will get back that trust 100% every little thing he does is going to seem supicious omg he has a hotmail account he needs stoning right now (hotmail is rubbish)
ooh he may have looked at facebook -thats it hung drawn and quatered

as for the pof never heard of it however that may or may not suggest he has been looking elsewhere , best way to deal with this situation is communication you need to ask him why he has been on the site -But you have two children agae 13 and 11 perhaps they have been on facebook and on this website so i wouldnt automatically jump to the wrong idea .

so speak to him about it , deal with it together

and if you still don't trust him well im afraid its time to make a descision becasue lack of trust grows and grows untill your whole relationship has been consumed

Mrs_Huggett

robpw2...."as for the pof never heard of it however that may or may not suggest he has been looking elsewhere , best way to deal with this situation is communication you need to ask him why he has been on the site -But you have two children agae 13 and 11 perhaps they have been on facebook and on this website so i wouldnt automatically jump to the wrong idea ."

POF (plenty of fish) is a free dating website that is gaining a bit of a reputation for being one that many people use for 'playing away from home' I would say that it will most certainly have been accessed for this objective, no teenagers or children would be interested in looking at it, they probably wouldn't know it existed at the ages they are, as they wouldn't care what us olds (anyone between the ages of , say 25 and 100) are doing with our lives! I hope you are ok op, and that you get through this.

Jinx

Curiosity may kill the cat, but ignorance is not bliss....

Id check it out OP, I wouldnt ask hubby. If you find nothing untoward you havent accused him of anything and can be quietly reassured. Asking him will (I would imagine) prompt outrage and a deletion of anything incriminating which will not resolve anything for you.

Good luck, horrible situation.

BitterAndTwisted

You don't want to snoop? But you already have. You can't turn back the clock and leopards don't change their spots. Plus any other hackneyed expressions you can think of. There can be no innocent explanation for a POF account. Absolutely none. But I'd be interested to hear how he manages to wriggle out of that one.

Have a think: you're afraid of the change of circumstances this disclosure might bring but what would be worse? To my mind it would be continuing on with a relationship, saying nothing, where there is no trust and having a partner who you know is on the lookout for extramarital fun and games. Do you really want to live a lie, to end up in ten or twenty year's time knowing it was all for nothing but being another decade or two older and still having to make your own way in the world but with maybe several pounds and a few more wrinkles while you h ave to do it?

geckofabulous

facebook profiles can be set up so they can't be searched for, or set to invisible in the privacy settings. It could be the kids out of curiouslity. You could set up an alternate profile but that could be construed as you doing the same thing. He could be arguing that he's trying to catch you out. For me the keylogger looks to be the best way forward

sallypalma

This could have been me 3 years ago ! My husband had joined a dating site and had been emailing women etc, when I found out I was devastated but he apologized, said he was just "curious" and promised never to do anything like that again. Nevertheless 18 months later I caught him doing the dame thing again, this time he was using our daughter's laptop thinking that I would not check that one. I had the free key logger on it and was a godsend, it allowed me to record all the conversations he had had with other women and I gained all the passwords to the other 3 email accounts he denied having. I have 2 children and I thought my world would end. I was scared financially because I can't work due to MS but 3 years on I am incredibly happy ! I am single and I love it, my children are happier and I do not regret for one second that I found out the truth. I gave my Solicitor a copy of the emails he sent and I also emailed all my husband's contacts and told them he was married. When a partner does this it shows a basic lack of respect for their partner and their family, it also effects the people they are mailing because they are lying to them too. I would gather all the evidence you can and them decide what you want to do. Don't be scared NOTHING feels better that getting your self respect back - don't let him take that from you.

Maureen43

I am incredibly touched by all your replies and support. It has made me feel quite tearful!

I AM scared of the changes to my circumstances that will happen if it all comes out into the open. My children will surely suffer so much? My ds is very sensitive - it will break my heart.....

I have decided that the only way to know for sure is to either do the keylogger (which I am unsure about because I am not very techy and I am scared dh will know I have used it) or hire a private detective to do a keylogger for me. I need to know for CERTAIN what is going on - I simply can't agonise over it any longer.

Please can those who have used the keylogger give me an idiot's guide on how to use it and remove it afterwards so no trace is left. An added complication is that dh has a password on his laptop which I do not know.

dizziblonde

Sounds similar to what I found with my ex - enough to make me suspect things - I found chat logs, not from a key logger but from an add on to MSN I'd been mucking about with on the PC I owned, that were ringing alarm bells with the "she doesn't suspect a thing" lines (coupled with a story about a bloke from work having a party he was going to be staying over at)... and when I queried them, he disabled the chat logging on the plugin (again - I wasn't keylogging - this was my own PC and just an addon I'd been playing with for some reason I forget now)... unfortunately he forgot the logs went to two places and I found the follow-up conversation log which set the spidey sense tingling even more.

He confirmed my suspicions when heading off to this work "party" having packed clean boxer shorts, deodrant and shower gel and leaving the bathroom stinking worse than a branch of the Body Shop...

THEN I did start snooping, got a friend to ring the woman we strongly suspected he'd gone to (a mutual acquaintance) and that was confirmed and by the time he got home I'd found dating profiles advertising for women to meet up with for sex, chat logs of all sorts... the works.

And yes, there can be perfectly legitimate reasons to turn things like the history on your PC down - I've got mine set to very minimal purely because I found it was lagging Firefox out a lot - but things like plentyoffish profiles... they're not the sort of thing you innocently fall into.

krlyr

Re. Plentyoffish in the history, I am in a (very happy) relationship yet have single friends who often send me links to POF profiles of people they've messaged. Just one legit reason why POF might appear in someone's history - though the sent/received thing might rule this out as a possibility.
Alternatively, could he be trying to pair up a mate of his and be sending messages on his behalf?

BitterAndTwisted

DH has a password on his laptop which you do not know. Now, why do you think that is, eh? Without getting into his laptop you can't install squat. Do you have your own? One which may be presenting problems and you might need to have access to his once in a while? Just to do something essential of course. If he changes the password afterwards you won't need any keylogging software.

Anyway, all this keylogging and having proof stuff sounds like you think you need enough evidence to persuade a court or something. You don't. You're entitled to ask your OH right out in the open and you're entitled to expect to be told the truth.

I'd be minded to just get it out in the open and make my observations abut his behaviour anyway. If he was innocent and gave half a stuff about your feelings and maintaining your trust he'd be happy to give you free access to anything you asked for. Anything else would be "guilty as charged, officer".