Lack of communication is destroying our relationship

Caroline_a

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

Hi Caroline, I'm glad that you and your ex can be friends now. I think I wouldn't feel half so torn if I thought that maybe be could get on in the future. It's that feeling of never seeing that person again, I suppose that's why breaking up is so much like a bereavement.

I know that OH would never speak to me again as he point blank refuses to have any communication with any of his ex's. He's quite outspoken in his belief that there is no reason to speak to your ex's. He's baffled as to why I'm quite still on good terms with any of mine!

Did your ex ever talk to you about why he was like that. Or did he ever attempt to understand your feelings about it?

I really think that this might be a 'type of man' thing. I'm on good terms with all of my ex's and they seem quite happy to chat to me... but not any of their other ex's... work that one out!

It wasn't something that happened immediately we split up of course, but over a couple of years it's been fine.

poet123

I think your new user name is very poignant.

In a long term relationship you need mutual love and respect, you cannot hope to get through the ups and downs of life without it. I assume you are still quite young, with a good career and aspirations of your own? My advice would be to get out now, forge a new life with your own needs as paramount, don't settle, and you will find someone who loves, appreciates and respects you for who you really are, which is what everyone deserves.

My heart goes out to you, this man sounds really wearing, and will eventually make you a shadow of that girl you knew.....don't let that happen.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

To me, not having any interest in the exes suggests that he's never been in love.


There's no interest there, they're just cut out. Unimportant. Meant nothing. Not there, who cares?

Most people I know who haven't got miserable screwed up relationships in their past still talk to their exes sometimes, some are indeed very good friends, after all, they share so much.

Seems to be quite normal, apparently.

lostinrates

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

To me, not having any interest in the exes suggests that he's never been in love.


There's no interest there, they're just cut out. Unimportant. Meant nothing. Not there, who cares?

Most people I know who haven't got miserable screwed up relationships in their past still talk to their exes sometimes, some are indeed very good friends, after all, they share so much.

Seems to be quite normal, apparently.

Not me, i have no interest in my exes. Only loosely intouch with one who was a lovely guy but i knew at the time he was not the love of my life. Fairly recently met another one and did not enjoy the experience, though the relationship was good the reason for breaking up was valid and i don't really want that in my life now.

the_girl_you_once_knew

Thank you all so much for you input, it's helping a lot just talking it all through.

I've spent the evening thinking things through. I have so many good memories with OH, and remembering them I'm so overwhelmed by how much I love him. I feel like the worst person for even thinking about leaving.

But then I remember begging him to spend an hour with me when I broke my foot. I remember the hundreds of times I go to kiss him and he brushes me off. I remember the last time he told me to give it a rest when all I wanted was to tell him about my day. And I'm literally dumped back to earth with a bump.

I know that I don't want to carry on how we are. But I do want to give him one last chance. At the moment I suspect he doesn't have the faintest idea that I feel like this, so it's probably going to come out of the blue. Which will make it even harder for him to see the point in talking about 'us'. But I have to give it a go. Will probably write a letter as back up for when he wont talk. And maybe an email as back up for that. And then maybe I'll just paint it on the wall outside - do you reckon LISTEN TO ME in 6 foot high letters will get through?

In the meantime, while I'm working up to that, I'm getting some things in order. Sorting my finances, getting rid of my clutter. So that if this talk doesn't work out, or indeed even happen, then practically speaking I'm in a better place to leave. I'm not sure if that makes me the most heartless person on earth but I feel like I need to be in some way prepared for this.

Tuesday_Tenor

>>> What do you get out of being with this man?>>> Stability. Plenty of good times. Financial security.
But THESE are things you can work on getting on your own and with friends! I have all these, though no partner. (It's taken me many years of hard work; but that's been both fun and rewarding!)

>>> What don't I get? Affection. Support. Passion. Conversation. Debate. Cuddles when I'm sad. Understanding. The time of day.
Whereas THESE are the very things you'd expect to share with a partner!!
[I live alone and get most of these through friends, as well, though..
So, I seem to be better off WITHOUT a partner, than you are WITH this particular one!]

I think you've got your priorities mixed up ... time for some growing up and chalking this very poor relationship down to experience. I.E. one you'll try not to repeat in future!

Best wishes for moving on.

alwayspuzzled

Your OP sounds very much like the place I was a few months ago, although I had the added complication of children and a shared history through some very traumatic events.

I too thought if I tried harder, was more understanding, gave him more space etc etc we could make it work because I loved him so very much.

My mom found some lumps in her breast, I went with her for biopsy's. Day of results, she has cancer & needs a mastectomy. I go home to ex, who gets annoyed with me for being distracted and irritable and physically turned his back to me (must have been really uncomfortable sitting on the sofa like that lol) That was my light bulb moment. Could I really spend my life with a man who cared so little for me and how I was feeling, all I wanted was a hug and instead I got a spoilt little boy who couldn't stand not to be No1 in my priorities.

It was so hard leaving and not going back. But I knew I was doing the right thing for me and my kids. So many tears and regrets but I had to stay strong. Recent revelations have shown me our relationship was never what I believed it to be and while they hurt an unbelieveable amount have made it that much easier to deal with the hurt of missing him. Somebody said earlier that its worse than a bereavement, this I believe is true. You have to make up your own mind as to what you are prepared to put up with.

Sun_kisses

Oh dear! I can see so many similar things that your facing as I did 20 years ago. I am afraid you will keep on making excuses for this OH. I think you could do with a few nights out with some friends and start to live a little. Talk to other men and one day you will find one that will listen, only then you will realise that there are other men out there. At the moment you are acting like a lapdog and no man wants a woman like that. You only have one crack at this life, don,t make the same mistake as I did, married 21years two babies then get told I don't love you and I never have. I did what everyone is telling you. I took control and told him to leave. It was easier that way and luckily he didn't come back which meant I had to move on and I got on with my life. I was heart broken for a while but then I met my second husband, now I know what love is. This could be you. Give yourself a chance you sound so nice.

Lexxi

What happens if you do have children with him and he decides that he wants you to stay at home, all that hard work for the accountancy degree. Then becuase he works so hard all week he still gets to go out, see friends, play pool and have a laugh.
You're also entirely dependant on him because you're not allowed to work.
I'm not saying that staying at home with children isn't rewarding and fulfilling but if he's the one making all the decisions you will become unhappier and you will be tied to him becuase of the chidren you have together.

the_girl_you_once_knew

Hi Lexxi, you're right I definitely don't need to be bringing children into this kind of relationship. It's not something I would consider. But I have to say that the situation you're describing wouldn't happen. Well not exactly anyway. OH doesn't stop me from doing anything or make decisions for me, it's just that he won't discuss them with me and he sulks a bit. I am free to go ahead and do what ever I want, just not to expect any kind of support for it.

Alwayspuzzed - Yes! I had my LBM the other day in the car. Literally looked across at him after he'd said something disparaging and thought 'I don't even know you anymore'.

Tuesday Tenor - I don't think it's about 'growing up', apart from the fact that I'm 27 I didn't tumble into this relationship lightly, and I'm not leaving it lightly either. And I def wouldn't call it a very poor relationship. Quite the opposite, I've had some wonderful times and experiences with OH that I wouldn't trade for the world. And I honestly believe that I've really grown as a person while I've been with him, mainly due to the fact that his (slightly disinterested) approach to the relationship has enabled me to do things that perhaps I wouldn't have if he'd been more emotionally involved in me (good example is working away for 8 months to advance my career). So I really can't dismiss it all as bad just because he's lacking in somethings that are pretty crucial for our future.

In all fairness, if he was just a friend then I would truly value a friendship like this. Because with a friend you don't have all the emotional stuff. It can just be all superficially good. But I know that I want, and need, so much more from a partner.