Lack of communication is destroying our relationship

the_girl_you_once_knew

Hermia - funny you should ask that. Yes I can talk about my career aspirations, but only if they fit in to the big plan. When I said recently that I wanted to do a masters he said great and we discussed it. But when I decided I wanted to do a art history he told me it was silly and stopped talking. Because he doesn't consider that a good choice. He would like me to do accountancy.

It's not that he doesn't want me to do something of my choice but for him everything has to be a logical choice. Art history = no long term career plan. Accountancy= useful and practical career choice.

EDIT: Actually that sums him up. Logical to the exclusion of everything else.

And god I wish I could take him to relate, but I don't fancy my chances of getting him there

scooby088

You have been with him for 4 years and how long have you felt like this? Far from saying give up on your relationship make him listen to your point of view, make him. If he says don't push it or he gives you an ultimatum call his bluff. Don't be afraid to say you peace is all I can say. You really need to think seriously if you can really see a future with him, no one on this forum can make up your mind for you.

Hermia

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

Someone mentioned about children. That's my worry. If we had children, could he show them he loved them? Would he hold them when they cry? Would he even be supportive through pregnancy? It's a big risk to take isn't it.

Or what would happen if you had different ideas about what schools they should go to? Or what subjects they should take? Or had different ideas about how to bring them up? Or what if one had a medical issue and you needed to decide what treatment option to go for? Or what if one got in trouble with the law or got pregnant?

I don't like the idea of him only supporting your career aspirations if he agrees with them. So, basically you are on your own if he doesn't agree with you? It sounds a recipe for unhappiness to me. I think a relationship might work if a woman was very strong and financially independent and would be happy to just do what she wants without any support from her partner. But, is that you?

the_girl_you_once_knew

Hermia wrote: »

I think a relationship might work if a woman was very strong and financially independent and would be happy to just do what she wants without any support from her partner. But, is that you?

Again, funny you should say that. I had an epiphany the other day where I realised that working towards joint finances with him was a bad idea. Maybe because I know in my heart that there's a good chance we don't have a future together. And if there's any chance of me doing things I want to do I will have to just do it myself.

You know a couple of years ago, when he used to veto my decisions about the home I used to say jokingly "we'll just have to have separate houses so I can buy my own furniture"...

Mojisola

So as long as you only do things that he chooses, he's great fun, a good companion, etc. As soon as you talk about doing something different, he walks away from you. If you can live with this, you probably could have a long relationship ahead of you - women in the past used to. I couldn't.

the_girl_you_once_knew

scooby088 wrote: »

Far from saying give up on your relationship make him listen to your point of view, make him.

I know where you're coming from, but honestly you can't talk to someone who doesn't want to. He will walk away. I have made him sit there while I've talked before, he just sits in silence, not looking at me until I'm done. And then he carries on doing something else. It's infuriating! I can chat casually, I can try to coax him to speak, I can cry, I can scream, I can walk out, hell I even moved out once and he still wont talk!

I know it's my decision. And I know from all this I've made you all think he's a complete ****. And I feel bad about that. There are far worse boyfriends out there, I know, I've had one. But I don't know if I've ever been with someone who has left me so utterly frustrated.

It's not an option to give him an ultimatum. He wouldn't be pushed into anything. If I can't get him to talk to me I have 2 choices either stay and accept it, or go. And if I leave there's no going back. He'll never speak to me again, end of. He won't fight for me even if he's heartbroken, he'll cut me dead and that'll be that. And I'm terrified of making the wrong decision.

the_girl_you_once_knew

Mojisola wrote: »

If you can live with this, you probably could have a long relationship ahead of you - women in the past used to. I couldn't.

I'm pretty much 100% certain he'd never leave me. He's made the decision, picked me, and I don't think there'd ever be a reason for him to rethink it. He's very black and white. So yes I could have a long marriage with a steady and certain guy. But I'd be kissing goodbye to passion, spontaneity and most of my dreams

No I don;t think I could either

Mojisola

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

It's not an option to give him an ultimatum. He wouldn't be pushed into anything.

If I can't get him to talk to me I have 2 choices either stay and accept it, or go.

And if I leave there's no going back. He'll never speak to me again, end of. He won't fight for me even if he's heartbroken, he'll cut me dead and that'll be that. And I'm terrified of making the wrong decision.

You're getting so frustrated by his bad attitude that you're asking on a forum about it. Do you really think you could live with him for another 30/40/50 years?

I can only see one solution to this.

the_girl_you_once_knew

I know, I hate that I'm exploding all over a forum in this manner but I thought maybe some different points of view would help. Even though I have 3 friends and Mum already on the case.

It of course doesn't help. Because you are all going to come to the same conclusions as everyone else including myself. Because we all have the same info, and it all reads the same way.

skypie123_2

He sounds very one dimensional, controlling and doesn't seem that into you. Even when you left you begged him to talk about it.
It might all seem great to everyone around you but you need more than he has to give, and most women would be the same.
He isn't going to change, he has proved that when you gave him another chance two years ago.
Move on and find someone who values what you have to say. You deserve so much more than this guy.