Lack of communication is destroying our relationship

poorly_scammo

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

I have indeed tried putting it in writing. It didn't work and he was quite sneery about it.

So you bear your soul and he treats you dismissively and sarcastically?

The more we hear about him, the more I dislike him and I've never even met the guy!

This sounds a very one-way relationship with you doing all the work.

The poster who said that he 'wasn't that into you' was right I think and I still stand by my original question: What do you get out of being with this man? Because the answer is surely, not a lot.

the_girl_you_once_knew

Hi Caroline, I'm glad that you and your ex can be friends now. I think I wouldn't feel half so torn if I thought that maybe be could get on in the future. It's that feeling of never seeing that person again, I suppose that's why breaking up is so much like a bereavement.

I know that OH would never speak to me again as he point blank refuses to have any communication with any of his ex's. He's quite outspoken in his belief that there is no reason to speak to your ex's. He's baffled as to why I'm quite still on good terms with any of mine!

Did your ex ever talk to you about why he was like that. Or did he ever attempt to understand your feelings about it?

the_girl_you_once_knew

poorly_scammo wrote: »

What do you get out of being with this man? Because the answer is surely, not a lot.

Breaking it down into facts (he'd love this):

Stability. Plenty of good times. Financial security.

That list has ended up a lot shorter than I imagined 2 minutes ago.

What don't I get? Affection. Support. Passion. Conversation. Debate. Cuddles when I'm sad. Understanding. The time of day.

poorly_scammo

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

Breaking it down into facts (he'd love this):

Stability. Plenty of good times. Financial security.

That list has ended up a lot shorter than I imagined 2 minutes ago.

What don't I get? Affection. Support. Passion. Conversation. Debate. Cuddles when I'm sad. Understanding. The time of day.

Your call but I wouldn't be happy with that.

jackieblack

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

Breaking it down into facts (he'd love this):

Stability. Plenty of good times. Financial security.

That list has ended up a lot shorter than I imagined 2 minutes ago.

What don't I get? Affection. Support. Passion. Conversation. Debate. Cuddles when I'm sad. Understanding. The time of day.

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

Could I be happy? Yes. But always with a cloud hanging over. Always having to curtail what I say for the sake of staying harmonious. Never being able to discuss the things most important to me with the person most important to me. And having to find emotional support somewhere else. It would be a huge compromise and I could make it. But I don't think I want to. Not forever.

You need to make your own long-term wellbeing your priority. This life is not a dress rehearsal.

ktb

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

I would like to think that he would work to save the relationship. If it really mean enough to him. If I meant enough to him. But I'm afraid to find out that it doesn't

Hi TGYOK.... your situation has some echoes of my relationship with my ex. We were together 4 years, we were very close friends who, for the most part, throughly enjoyed each others company & I couldn't imagine my life without him. We also broke up for 3 months mid-way through but got back together as we genuinely missed each other. But there was something rather vital missing - what I know now is that we were both 'making do' with someone who ticked some/most of the boxes but not the most important ones.

As for your statement above, I think deep down you already know if he would truly put in the necessary work to save the relationship - because you tried putting him in that position once before and nothing has really improved has it?? So from that perspective you have nothing to fear as such - you already have the answers, even if they are not the answers you want.

Being afraid of the hurt & rejection you know is coming, if you challenge your current situation, is more frightening I imagine. I knew my ex and needed to break up or we would be miserable together eventually, but it was incredibly hard. I was heartbroken and very sad for 18 months, but I wouldn't change it for anything now.

3.5 years on and I am now with the most amazing man, who ticks ALL the important boxes. We not only have loads of interests in common, but he will even pretend to be interested in the stuff I want to talk about when it doesn't interest him I know exactly where I stand and he tells me every day how he feels, about me and our future etc. If you had told me this was possible 3 years ago, I couldn't have imagined it.

Escaping the sort of relationship you are in, where there is nothing concrete as a reason to leave (like not loving him, violence, affairs etc) is difficult and takes strength of character & a focus on the bigger picture - but you both deserve to be with people that bring out the passion & spontaneity and who want to be part of a real grown up, respectful & mutually balanced partnership.

Stop making do.

the_girl_you_once_knew

ktb wrote: »

Being afraid of the hurt & rejection you know is coming, if you challenge your current situation, is more frightening I imagine. I knew my ex and needed to break up or we would be miserable together eventually, but it was incredibly hard. I was heartbroken and very sad for 18 months, but I wouldn't change it for anything now.

Ktb, I feel like I should print and frame your whole post.

What you've said above is so poignant. Even if I came to the decision to go I know how much it hurt last time I left. I am terrified of feeling that way again. I was so so hurt and upset and in the end I couldn't see it through and begged for a reconciliation. And I hate how that sounds but it's how I feel.

But you're living proof that making the hard decision can be the right one in the end. And the best for both people involved. I'm glad you found someone who makes you so happy

scooby088

I have traits like your boyfriend, like not interested and I probably self interested, but I am currently with my OH 24/7 due to me not working. I can see your boyfriends point in not staying friendly with ex's. Sometime when my OH cries I don't know how to act or what to do, same goes with kisses and hugs I do feel indifferent on occasions. I do encourage her to do things and in her work too. But emotional stuff we are pretty cold in that aspect even though we both love each other to bits.

Like I have said previously talk talk and talk come to the same conclusions or differing ones it's a choice you both need to make as you have said 80% of time you are happy are you in your heart happy to settle for that cause I think maybe you both are stuck in a rut.

ktb

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

.... I know how much it hurt last time I left. I am terrified of feeling that way again. I was so so hurt and upset and in the end I couldn't see it through and begged for a reconciliation...

I can honestly say the pain and rejection I felt when the break up really sunk in, was the lowest I've ever felt. I have a friend whose fiancee died 2 months before their wedding, and he actually said to me at the time that in his opinion bad break ups were actually worse than bereavement - because the person you love is still walking around somewhere, just not loving you or wanting to be with you anymore. It is truly horrible and I can see why so many people end up reconciling - just to make that pain go away.

I am so grateful that my ex and I knew we had to sever all contact to make the break up stick. I was in such a state I couldn't cope with knowing anything about what he was doing etc and he respected my decision and stopped contacting me. Too many people think they can manage to 'stay friends' and then as soon as they get lonely or the green eyed monster rears it's head, they repeat the old patterns and can't move on. I have seen it time and time again with my friends.

I cant believe now that I am advising someone to potentially go through all that stuff - but I also deeply believe that life is too short to spend it with the wrong person, especially as there are lots of right people out there who can give you what you want. I also think being strong and moving on before babies etc are involved is a no-brainer. Things will only get exponentially more difficult and miserable once they come into the equation.....

I really do wish you all the best TGYOK ...... you have a bumpy road ahead whatever you decide.... but what doesn't kill you definitely makes you stronger!

Mayflower10cat

I think the very fact you've posted here shows you're at a crisis point in this relationship - you can dive in even deeper and have children but will anything change for the better (or will things worsen) or, to be blunt, you can face the reality that your partner is distant emotionally and lacking in intimacy and make the decision to leave...... I met my husband to be at university; I knew very soon that we would be happy together long term as he was (and still is) a very sensitive, open person who wears his heart on his sleeve - but not in a soppy or weak way. I'm sure you are worth being treasured and adored by a man that opens up to you and makes you feel special. They do exist, I promise!