Lack of communication is destroying our relationship

the_girl_you_once_knew

I use this forum for everything else so I guess the next step was always going to be for relationship problems. I'm using a different username though, just in case. I guess this is more of a rant than anything, because this stuff has been building up for such a long time. But any advice would be welcomed!

I've been with OH for almost 4 years. He's a great, easygoing guy with good ambitions in life. When it's going well it's nice being with him. Because it's just easy and low stress.

The problem is that he refuses to talk to me about anything.

This is not to say he CAN'T talk. In fact, he's great at talking about his interests, his career, the things he's done with his life. He's quite the orator. But when it comes to talking about anything I want to talk about, he just won't.

He wasn't like this for the first year we we're together. He was interested in what I had to say, we used to sit and talk til the early hours about everything. But now if I raise a subject, within about 3 minutes he just says 'I don't really wanna talk about this'. And that's it, conversation over. And if I try to carry on, I get told to give it a rest, or stop being dramatic. For trying to have a normal conversation!

This in itself is getting hard to deal with. It's so frustrating to not be allowed to speak about things. But it's even harder when it comes to trying to discuss any problems we might be having. Like this. He just won't talk. He tells me he doesn't want to discuss our relationship and if I push it he will walk away. And it's been like this for years.

About 2 years ago it got to the point where he hadn't spoken to me in about 2 weeks (we live together). We hadn't fallen out, he just had other things on his mind and I don't come top priority, so he'd just inadvertently cut me out. I of course tried everything to try to talk about what was going on. I felt abandoned in my own house. He just brushed me off, saying he had other things to think about. So eventually I moved out. And I'm not sure how long it took for him to notice.

I was gone for about 2 months. Heartbroken everyday of it. When I finally got him to talk (trapped him into it) I did all the talking, and a lot of crying. He cried. And somehow we patched it up and moved on. But nothing changed, and 2 years down the line I'm in that place again.

Incidentally he will talk to other people. A good example is an issue he has with a member of his family. I have given him the same advice about it for years but he always ignores me. The other day I over heard a guy in the pub tell him exactly the same thing I have been saying, and he took the guys advice!

Looking back this is not really the first example of this. I guess he just doesn't respect my opinion. I suppose this is why he's not interested in anything I have to say.

He's not emotionally supportive in any way either. I never get hugs. If I try to hug him or hold his hand he just brushes me off, sometimes with a laugh, mostly without even thinking. If I cry, or I'm upset he can't deal with it, he just walks away. If I ever ask for a hug it's one armed and brief.

I think I've come to the point where I know that I have to decide if this is what I want for life. He's discussing marriage and children. But how can I have a child with a man who won't even give me a cuddle?

I don't want life to be like this. I feel like if we could just talk, maybe we could fix it. Because I do love him, and I don't want to throw away what we used to have. But really what are the chances of him ever being any different?

poorly_scammo

"He tells me if I push it he will walk away."

"He just brushed me off, saying he had other things to think about."

"I guess he just doesn't respect my opinion. I suppose this is why he's not interested in anything I have to say."

"If I try to hug him or hold his hand he just brushes me off"

Why are you with him? I know we only have your side of the story but from your post I don't see what you get out of being with him.

I couldn't stay with someone like this. I'd think that I deserved more.

the_girl_you_once_knew

poorly_scammo wrote: »

Why are you with him? I know we only have your side of the story but from your post I don't see what you get out of being with him.

I couldn't stay with someone like this. I'd think that I deserved more.

I did think someone would say this. And yes it sounds obvious that I shouldn't be with him doesn't it. It's quite hard to explain as it always sounds contradictory even to me, but we do get on. We go out, play pool, go for dinner and we do talk about general chit chatty things or mostly his business. And we live well together, in that we cook together, like the same things on TV, have similar hobbies which we do together. And he's never actively horrible to me, he likes to spend time with me - he'd rather go out and do things with me than his mates. He's funny, witty, clever, easy going and fun.

If you met him, you'd like him. Everyone does. So, superficially, it's all marvelous. Ridiculous isn't it?

Newly_retired

I cannot see how you could start a family with this man.
If he won't talk to you, will he do his share with the kids?
If he doesn't, and you try to talk about it, you will be on a loser.

Have you suggested going to Relate together?
I can guess the answer if you did suggest it.

poorly_scammo

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

If you met him, you'd like him. Everyone does. So, superficially, it's all marvelous. Ridiculous isn't it?

No. If it isn't right, it isn't right. No amount of logical thinking can change that.

VfM4meplse

OP, regrettably you are being taken for granted. You have 3 choices:

1) bring it to your OH's attention and give him a chance to make sustainable changes - review after 3 months
2) ship out
3) do nothing and live in resentment

lostinrates

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

I did think someone would say this. And yes it sounds obvious that I shouldn't be with him doesn't it. It's quite hard to explain as it always sounds contradictory even to me, but we do get on. We go out, play pool, go for dinner and we do talk about general chit chatty things or mostly his business. And we live well together, in that we cook together, like the same things on TV, have similar hobbies which we do together. And he's never actively horrible to me, he likes to spend time with me - he'd rather go out and do things with me than his mates. He's funny, witty, clever, easy going and fun.

If you met him, you'd like him. Everyone does. So, superficially, it's all marvelous. Ridiculous isn't it?

There is a difference between being universally likeable and lovable.

You have described someone who might be a good friend (albeit not a best friend if they can't listen to my troubles or hopes and dreamsand hold a hand or have a hug) not someone who i could lover feel loved by or do something as important as have a child with.

Dunroamin

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

Incidentally he will talk to other people. A good example is an issue he has with a member of his family. I have given him the same advice about it for years but he always ignores me. The other day I over heard a guy in the pub tell him exactly the same thing I have been saying, and he took the guys advice!

I wouldn't worry too much about this particular point - lots of men are like that. I know my dad was and my parents were happily married for 50 years.

Other points you make are rather more worrying.

FBaby

Initially I thought yep, a man on the same calliber than mine, but reading further, I am not sure the issues are really the same.

My partner (together 3 1/2 years) also is a great orator, can talk for England, is very sociable, when it comes to discussing matters at heart, he withdraw in himself and finds it incredibly difficult to discuss his feelings. Similarly, he struggles with my being the exact opposite, very comfortable talking with my feelings and expecting him to respond to my prompting. This usually result in him cutting off any conversation before I feel I even had the chance to express myself properly, and certainly before he can say anything. It takes no time for him to feel trapped resulting in him becoming defensive and walking away.

To start with, I found it very difficult and let me to feel very insecure, associating his silence with him not wanting to tell me what I didn't want to hear, so imagining the worse. It has led to times when I wasn't sure we could make it as a couple, but since then, I have spent quite some time trying to understand him and now things are much better. I think I've found how to communicate in a way that is not so threatening to him, avoiding as much as I can to bring up matters when I am at the tip of feeling upset, considering that having a conversation means me telling him what is bothering me without expecting him to respond at this time, but trusting that he will take what I've said and think it through in his own time. What seem to freak him out most is if I go and on (or so he calls it!), so I try to watch that I just say things once. I have also learnt that his silences are definitely not his way of agreeing with what I am saying/asking, it means that he freezes and just can't talk.

Saying that, and where things seem different to your situation, my partner is extremely affectionate, we do talk all the time about things (as long as they are not about sensitive subjects, he is very communicative), and he certainly takes my opinion into consideration (although this has taken some time and he is much more likely to do so now than he was a couple of years back).

I guess you need to pinpoint yourself whether it is an issue with communicating with you because he doesn't feel you are on the same level and therefore the connection between the two of you is affected, or whether like my lovely man, he struggles to express himself. My man grew up in an environment where you didn't discuss problems, you just went on to do whatever was required to fix it, so opening up is not natural for him. He told me that he had never opened up to any previous partners as he does with me, which makes me chuckle because I've never had a partner who found it so difficult! Going through life together though has made me more understanding of his own ways and him more trusting with mine.

I hope you can find the middle way to connect with your partner too.

Hermia

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

The problem is that he refuses to talk to me about anything.

This is not to say he CAN'T talk. In fact, he's great at talking about his interests, his career, the things he's done with his life. He's quite the orator. But when it comes to talking about anything I want to talk about, he just won't.

When you say he won't let you talk about ANYTHING do you mean anything? Not just emotional stuff, but if you were talking about your career aspirations or a new hobby you were thinking of taking up? If so, it sounds like he is not even interested in you or at least not even interested in seeing you happy.

I personally could not put up with what you are experiencing. There seems a lack of respect on his part and how on earth are you going to talk about the problems kids will inevitably bring if you are not talking now. If a bloke couldn't even be bothered to listen to what I said I'd start to wonder why he was with me if he so uninterested.

the_girl_you_once_knew

FBaby wrote: »

I guess you need to pinpoint yourself whether it is an issue with communicating with you because he doesn't feel you are on the same level and therefore the connection between the two of you is affected,

That's how I feel now. I feel that he just looks at my like one of his brothers. Good person to hang around with but not really worthy of actually listening to. Or talking to. But fine for completing his life goals i.e getting married and having some little hims.

I know he isn't the type to talk about his feelings. That's fine, that just means he's a man. But the erosion of all meaningful conversation is crushing me.

I try to be non confrontational when I want to talk to him. But this has built up so much that I can hear the hurt in my voice every time I speak, and I'm sure he hears this and it immediately makes him back off. But believe me, even when there is no issue he still does the same.

I know that he doesn't see this. I'm sure that if I could tell him he would think I'm blowing it out of proportion. I think for him there is no issue. Like I said, superficially it's all fine and that's it for him. He also knows how much I love him. I think it sometimes surprises him actually. He went out the other night and still wasn't home when I woke at 4am. So I called him to see if he was ok, he was, so I told him to enjoy the rest of his night and I went back to sleep. When he came home a vaguely remember him cuddling up to me and him saying 'you really love don't you?'. So he's clearly not devoid of emotion - but that's about the only hint I've had this year!

Someone mentioned about children. That's my worry. If we had children, could he show them he loved them? Would he hold them when they cry? Would he even be supportive through pregnancy? It's a big risk to take isn't it.