Lack of communication is destroying our relationship

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

So he's decided you'll do. You need taking in hand sometimes, still haven't learned to shut the .... up about that feelings stuff, and you have stupid ideas about studying something you love instead of something that'll bring in the money. Nice enough company, doesn't kick off over going out with the mates, OK for the occasional bunk up. But no need for any of that mushy stuff, which he is baffled by, as he just doesn't feel it. And it's a bit irritating when you do it, but the threats to walk away eventually got through to you, so you don't do it nearly as much as you used to.


What if he meets someone that is mind blowingly, amazingly, excitingly awesome? Someone he wants to talk to for hours? Someone he wants to hold his hand all the time?

Is he going to say 'nah, I'll stick with the one I've been training for 5 years'?


***********


What if you meet someone who actually gives a damn about what you have to say? Who thinks Art History is a fantastic subject and is in awe of anyone who has such a passion and understanding for the art world, freedom of expression and intelligence? Someone who has talent of their own, perhaps artistic, perhaps music, perhaps drama or has foregone the accountancy exams to do something they feel passionately about, like working with animals or conservation work? Who feels as passionately about you?




I think that if you stay with him, you will miss out on so many things because he doesn't see the point in them. And you will wake up one day as a middleaged woman and wonder where you went, and who this pale shadow is that you see when you look in the mirror.

the_girl_you_once_knew

I'm actually having a little cry at what you've all said.

SlinkyMalinky - I'm sorry to hear you had such a bad time, and are still suffering. I hope that you can rebuild, and don't let someone like that destroy your future as well. Yes I think my situation sounds very similar in many ways, although my OH is never abusive in anyway. I do feel like a housemate sometimes! Although if I'm ill he initially thinks I'm being OTT, when I'm actually ill he is actually really good and worries about me. So he does care. On the other hand, when broke my foot on holiday and I was going stir crazy in the hotel, he wouldn't give up even an hour of his holiday time to spend with me sounds horrible when I put it like that.

Jojo - I have come to the point where I realise that if I stay I may be giving up the best years of my life. Part of me wants to stop worrying about the future and live for the moment. Because although I've only listed the bad points, it's not like this all the time. In fact 80% of the time I'm happy. Like I said, he's easy going, funny, fun to be around. We do things together, share hobbies, have a big group of friends. 80% of the time I don't even think about us not being together. And then something small happens where i need him to talk, or to be there for me and I realise that there is nothing below the glitzy surface with us.

I've been living for the moment for 4 years, hoping that I'll figure out a way through to him, or that i can just love him enough that he'll want me to be happy, and ok, and loved and supported, and fulfilled. But if 4 years and everything we have can't change him then 100 more aren't going to either. I know that. I don't know why it's such a hard decision. Logical brain is saying leave, because it's not really a relationship is it. But heart is saying, keep trying because I love him, because the person I met and fell in love with must be there hidden away somewhere. Urgh, I hate how pathetic that sounds. Stupid heart.

BugglyB

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

On the other hand, when broke my foot on holiday and I was going stir crazy in the hotel, he wouldn't give up even an hour of his holiday time to spend with me sounds horrible when I put it like that.

That, is awful. I read through the thread thinking well maybe he's just emotionally not very intelligent, etc. But theres no excuse for that. I bet during that time you considered leaving him? Do you remember how humiliated and upset you felt then?

Please just leave him op, you can do so so much better, either on your own or with a different partner. It doesnt have to be because he's horrible, it just didn't work out. Leave, grieve, move on. Life might not be 'better' without him but at least it will be real and meaningful and you can hold your head up high.

Jenny484

Hi the girl you once knew,

I read your thread and signed on specifically to the forum as it is so close to home and I just have to give you my opinion. Your situation sounds like my parents marriage. My parents got divorced and my mother stated the reason for the separation as that she does not feel able to ever have any deep conversations with my father, he does not talk about emotions or show her affection. So I remember saying to her back then "why did you fall in love with him?", she claimed that he really made her laugh and they had a lot in common like hobbies. I feel as that is not enough.

From my personal view, it was like growing up entirely without a dad but even more painful because physically he was around but I would always question myself why myd ad didn't seem to care about me and that left me with self esteem issues and some problems with guys later on. You can say that he was a funny guy but that I know absolutely nothing about him, there was never any deep conversation between me and my father either. He never any showed affection towards me and I don't think I have ever been hugged or kissed by him. My mother tried to make up for all those deficits but I don't think that it worked entirely and I wouldn't wish that sort of childhood onto other people. I would urge you to think twice before having any kids with this man. It seems like he can't give you what you are looking for emotionally and that will run its course in the long run.

Mojisola

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

although my OH is never abusive in anyway. I do feel like a housemate sometimes!

Not abusive, maybe, but definitely controlling and it's a fine line between the two.

Although if I'm ill he initially thinks I'm being OTT, when I'm actually ill he is actually really good and worries about me. So he does care. On the other hand, when broke my foot on holiday and I was going stir crazy in the hotel, he wouldn't give up even an hour of his holiday time to spend with me sounds horrible when I put it like that.

It is horrible! It really shows how important you and your happiness is in his world view.

Like I said, he's easy going, funny, fun to be around.

Is that on all the occasions when you're falling into line with what he wants to do?

I've been living for the moment for 4 years, hoping that I'll figure out a way through to him, or that i can just love him enough that he'll want me to be happy, and ok, and loved and supported, and fulfilled.

That kind of thinking is straight from the handbook of How To Be An Abused Woman! Nothing you can do willl make him want you to be happy because he doesn't care if you're happy. He cares whether you are going along with his decisions and his choices.

Logical brain is saying leave, because it's not really a relationship is it. But heart is saying, keep trying because I love him, because the person I met and fell in love with must be there hidden away somewhere. Urgh, I hate how pathetic that sounds. Stupid heart.

Are you sure the person you fell in love with ever existed or was it just what you thought he was like?

jackieblack

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

I've been living for the moment for 4 years, hoping that I'll figure out a way through to him, or that i can just love him enough that he'll want me to be happy, and ok, and loved and supported, and fulfilled. But if 4 years and everything we have can't change him then 100 more aren't going to either. I know that. I don't know why it's such a hard decision. Logical brain is saying leave, because it's not really a relationship is it. But heart is saying, keep trying because I love him, because the person I met and fell in love with must be there hidden away somewhere. Urgh, I hate how pathetic that sounds. Stupid heart.

It doesn't sound pathetic at all, it sounds perfectly normal. Even if your relationship was 100% bad it would still be natural for you to hope that if you stayed things might get better. It's what humans do, to a large extent, we live in hope of change for the better, in all sorts of different ways

Only you know how exactly how unhappy you are and whether you are prepared to continue with the relationship, as it stands. From what you've posted it doesn't sound like you are and that it was we're all reacting to. It doesn't sound like you're happy or believe he will change, under those circumstances no-one is going to encourage you to stay.

Ending a relationship is always hard because it is easy to look back at happier times, but you need to look forward and imagine how things might be in 2, 5, 10, 20, 50 years time. Is that the life you want? Could you be happy?

the_girl_you_once_knew

Hi Jenny, I'm so sorry you feel that way about your dad. It doesn't sound like a very nice way to grow up and I can see why it would still affect you even now. He sounds very similar to my OH, and I can see exactly where your Mum was coming from. And I don't want to be in her situation. How has your Mum changed after leaving your Dad? Does she regret staying?

Could I be happy? Yes. But always with a cloud hanging over. Always having to curtail what I say for the sake of staying harmonious. Never being able to discuss the things most important to me with the person most important to me. And having to find emotional support somewhere else. It would be a huge compromise and I could make it. But I don't think I want to. Not forever.

lostinrates

You say he won't talk or answer when you raise this. Have you tried putting it in writing?

What about showing him this?. Perhaps if he knew how much counselling to work throug the issue would mean to you, possibly saving the relationship, he might try?

the_girl_you_once_knew

lostinrates wrote: »

You say he won't talk or answer when you raise this. Have you tried putting it in writing?

What about showing him this?. Perhaps if he knew how much counselling to work throug the issue would mean to you, possibly saving the relationship, he might try?

I have indeed tried putting it in writing. It didn't work and he was quite sneery about it. But I am thinking I might try that again anyway. Maybe write it down and try to pull out anything that sounds too emotional, and then leave it with him while I'm away for the day or something.

I would like to think that he would work to save the relationship. If it really mean enough to him. If I meant enough to him. But I'm afraid to find out that it doesn't

Caroline_a

My ex was quite like your OH, OP. He would help anyone else who asked him... except me. He wasn't demonstrative at all physically and I can remember on my 40th birthday I got a card from him, picked up from a garage on his way home from work. I served him with divorce papers as eventually I couldn't carry on like that, but for one reason or another we decided to try again. He promised to change. 5 years later we were back at the same place, so I left him.

A lot more years later we are quite amicable, and chat most weeks. But I wouldn't go back to him!