Lack of communication is destroying our relationship

the_girl_you_once_knew

Yeah he feels pretty one dimensional sometimes. But not controlling. I don't mean to make him sound that way. It's not like he's ever stopped me from doing anything I want to do - just because he doesn't support me doesn't mean he's difficult if I do it. If that makes sense. He sulks a bit but again that's a man thing.

You say he doesn't seem that in to me and yeah I get that but he also is. As I said before, he likes us doing things together, likes me to be part of the group with his friends, likes to brag about my snooker skills And after steering weel clear of the subject for years he's recently started mentioning marriage.

He's just come in all excited, dying to tell me about his day. Like an excitable child "look Lizzy, look at this. What do you think? I saw this today. I beat so and so at pool last night" etc etc. He's excited to be home with me. But it's all superficial really. He didn't stop to hear if I had anything to say, by the way.

The first year we were together was bliss. He was so easy going it was a pleasure to be around him. We went out, drank too much, spent whole days in bed, talked, laughed, traveled. He used to be tactile, loving, affectionate and happy to tell me he loved me. He could never cope if I was upset, but then alot of men can't.

What happened to that person. Ok even allowing for normal fading of those things after the honeymoon period, how can he be so different. He's like the opposite of the person I met.

coolcait

It's not a lack of communication that is the problem here - it's the lack of respect.

His lack of respect for you manifests itself in a number of ways. Some of these are about communication:

- his refusal to listen to you, much less converse with you, unless he deems that the topic is worthy;
- his refusal to engage in any conversation about your relationship
- his refusal to listen to you or communicate with you, sometimes for weeks at a time, unless he
deems that he has time to do so, and he has no other preoccupations

His lack of respect for you manifests itself in other ways too:

- a refusal to take your views into consideration - unless you express views that he agrees with
- a refusal to accept your decisions - unless they are decisions he would make

If he insisted that you have plastic surgery, to alter the way you look physically, so that you look the way he wants you to, how would you react? Would you change yourself to suit his wishes?

Because, what he's doing right now is insisting that you give yourself plastic surgery of the soul - changing the person you are, to suit his wishes.

the_girl_you_once_knew

I feel like I've caused this to some extent. I think I've spent so long being so easy going about everything that I've a) faded into a compliant figure in the background and b) forfeited my right to ever have an issue with anything.

Maybe if I'd been a btich once in a while he wouldn't be able to take me for granted.

lostinrates

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

I feel like I've caused this to some extent. I think I've spent so long being so easy going about everything that I've a) faded into a compliant figure in the background and b) forfeited my right to ever have an issue with anything.

Maybe if I'd been a btich once in a while he wouldn't be able to take me for granted.

It is onlY possible to be truley assertive if not being 'btich' at the same time. The two are not the same and perhaps the coorelation in your mind is part of the issue you need to take on board in the future with this relationship or others?

the_girl_you_once_knew

coolcait wrote: »

It's not a lack of communication that is the problem here - it's the lack of respect.

Hurts quite alot to have that confirmed out loud. Easier to ignore the fact when it's just in my own head

the_girl_you_once_knew

lostinrates wrote: »

It is onlY possible to be truley assertive if not being 'btich' at the same time. The two are not the same and perhaps the coorelation in your mind is part of the issue you need to take on board in the future with this relationship or others?

Sorry I used the term flippantly, and loosely. I meant that maybe if I had stood up and said when somethings not on, maybe he could hear me better now

jackieblack

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

About 2 years ago it got to the point where he hadn't spoken to me in about 2 weeks (we live together). We hadn't fallen out, he just had other things on his mind and I don't come top priority, so he'd just inadvertently cut me out. I of course tried everything to try to talk about what was going on. I felt abandoned in my own house. He just brushed me off, saying he had other things to think about. So eventually I moved out. And I'm not sure how long it took for him to notice.

I was gone for about 2 months. Heartbroken everyday of it. When I finally got him to talk (trapped him into it) I did all the talking, and a lot of crying. He cried. And somehow we patched it up and moved on. But nothing changed, and 2 years down the line I'm in that place again.

This is the bit that stood out for me.
Your leaving wasn't enough to make him change his ways,and two years later you're feeling the same way again.
You gave the relationship a 'second chance' and nothing has changed.

Callie22

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

Yeah he feels pretty one dimensional sometimes. But not controlling. I don't mean to make him sound that way. It's not like he's ever stopped me from doing anything I want to do - just because he doesn't support me doesn't mean he's difficult if I do it. If that makes sense. He sulks a bit but again that's a man thing.

But he is controlling you - you know that he'll freeze you out if you don't do what he wants, that he'll stop talking to you if you talk about the 'wrong' things, that he won't even discuss things with you if it's not part of his plan - so I bet that there are lots of things you haven't done, haven't said, or put to one side because it's not worth the hassle and the sulks and the silence and the feeling of total loneliness in your relationship. What could be more controlling than that?

I would worry if I was in that kind of relationship. Not only because my head would probably explode if I constantly felt that I couldn't say, or feel, or do what I wanted. I'd worry because to me, there's an underlying threat there - you do what *I* want or you suffer. It's more than a bit manipulative and not fair on you.

Slinky_Malinky

I really feel for you. I was married to a similar man - everyone thought he was a lovely guy. Hard working, no problems with drinking/drugs/gambling/women etc. But behind closed doors we were like house mates rather than husband/wife. No affection, no kisses, hugs and almost non existant sex life. Left me to struggle bedridden when I was really ill and berated me for crying after a close bereavement. Gradually he became verbally abusive to me. Never much of a talker, but he would talk about things he wanted such as stuff he wanted to buy etc but no interest in me or my interests. Even when our marriage fell apart I begged him to talk to me or come to Relate but he would not.

I am sad that we both wasted so many years in the relationship flogging a long dead horse. I have been left with self esteem issues and have not had a relationship since. Although I use my weight as an excuse for being alone the truth is I feel unloveable, that I have nothing to offer.

Only you can decide how bad things are and whether you are prepared to live this way long term and bring children into this relationship. It seems unlikely that he will change so if you stay with him you will have to accept that things will stay the same. Can you face this?


I would implore you to value yourself - please do not let him destroy **you**

Mojisola

the_girl_you_once_knew wrote: »

I feel like I've caused this to some extent. I think I've spent so long being so easy going about everything that I've a) faded into a compliant figure in the background and b) forfeited my right to ever have an issue with anything.

There isn't a woman in the country who has stayed in a domestic abusive relationship - whether this was emotional, financial or physical - who hasn't thought that - It's my fault, if only I had done this or that he wouldn't be like this.

If he really cared about you, he would talk to you, listen to your views and value you. It's the way he is - it isn't a result of your behaviour.