Savings Accounts and Children (Step Family)

Acc72

moneybags13 wrote: »

My worry is that we will save for the girls equally and when we hand over the accounts, my step daughter will not spend her money wisely.

With my daughter however, I will have control as the account will be in my name and she will have the money when I know she is responsible enough to spend it wisely.

It does come across that you want to decide not only who gets what, but also what they are able to spend it on !

So what are you actually "saving" for ?

As it appears that you want to decide what the money is spent on, you might as well set up a general car / college / house / wedding fund and then give the children a specific amount for a specific event or purpose.

I remember that both my brother and I recieved a payment from a savings policy when we were 16 years old (sounds really young now !).

I was rather boring and sensible whilst my brother "wasted" his - however neither of us were made to feel that we were right or wrong.

moneybags13

jungle_jane wrote: »

What you could do is leave a few things in your Will that would mean something to SD, but I don't think that you are expected to provide for your stepdaughter in the event of your death - that's the dad's job.

So in the same breath, are my step daughters savings MY job?

jungle_jane

moneybags13 wrote: »

My worry is that we will save for the girls equally and when we hand over the accounts, my step daughter will not spend her money wisely. As a step parent, I can only have a say when it suits her parents.

I totally get this. Step parenting is really hard and I think this is one of the massive frustrations with the whole thing...

OP, would it make more sense to save up a sum of money (equal) for both children with the intention that it is to be spent on something specific (like a car, or college) that you go out and get together on their 18hth birthdays or similar?

fluffnutter

moneybags13 wrote: »

My worry is that we will save for the girls equally and when we hand over the accounts, my step daughter will not spend her money wisely. As a step parent, I can only have a say when it suits her parents.

You don't seem to view her parents very highly! After all they're the ones bringing her up and she'll take her clues about how to manage money from them. Clearly, you've written off her mother because she's on benefits and isn't interested in saving for her child's future. But you actually married her father! Even so, you don't seem very impressed by his attitude towards money. You even say in a different post that 'her dad would not go and set up a saving account'. You've also been keen to tell us that you earn at least twice as much as he does.

It sounds like you believe you're the only one with the 'right' attitude towards money and that without your control, everyone else will just piss it up the wall. Perhaps this is the case, but isn't it also a little bit patronising? Perhaps you can help her. If you don't think she's going to learn good money management from her parents, instead of simply giving her less, why can't she learn those lessons from her step-mother?

moneybags13

Acc72 wrote: »

It does come across that you want to decide not only who gets what, but also what they are able to spend it on !

So what are you actually "saving" for ?

As it appears that you want to decide what the money is spent on, you might as well set up a general car / college / house / wedding fund and then give the children a specific amount for a specific event or purpose.

I remember that both my brother and I recieved a payment from a savings policy when we were 16 years old (sounds really young now !).

I was rather boring and sensible whilst my brother "wasted" his - however neither of us were made to feel that we were right or wrong.

You may think I am controlling, but I struggled financially when I was a young adult, and got into lots of debt.

I am nearly 30, and still have a student loan, and have not bought a house. I paid for nearly all of my wedding, and have never been given any help for any of lives big expenses. That is fine and I do not feel resentful about this, but I have worked very hard to have a good job and want my daughter to benefit from this and be able to help her with buying a house / travelling etc, whatever is important to her. I do not want to save thousands of pounds to see it wasted on partying, drugs etc.

clearingout

moneybags13 wrote: »

My worry is that we will save for the girls equally and when we hand over the accounts, my step daughter will not spend her money wisely. As a step parent, I can only have a say when it suits her parents.

With my daughter however, I will have control as the account will be in my name and she will have the money when I know she is responsible enough to spend it wisely.

so basically, 'cos you can't 'control' your step child in the way you would want, because you view her mother as 'second best' 'cos she's on benefits (probably because of her relationship breakdown as happens to many single mums at some point) and because neither mum or dad alone (or together) have as much money as you (moneybags, indeed), your step daughter is automatically irresponsible and therefore doesn't deserve to be treated the same by her father as your daughter?

You have opened a can of worms with your husband which, if you're not careful, will lead to your own lone-parenthood. Not that it will matter 'cos you're better than the rest of us, right?!

fluffnutter

moneybags13 wrote: »

So in the same breath, are my step daughters savings MY job?

They're your husband's. And, as you point out, you and your husband share all your money... so, yes, it becomes your job.

If you decide to share, then that's the end of it. You can't then start placing caveats on how that shared money is to be used. It's unreasonable and controlling. If you husband wants to use the money (because it's not just yours any more is it) to provide for his daughter then that's a reasonable thing to do.

moneybags13

jungle_jane wrote: »

I totally get this. Step parenting is really hard and I think this is one of the massive frustrations with the whole thing...

OP, would it make more sense to save up a sum of money (equal) for both children with the intention that it is to be spent on something specific (like a car, or college) that you go out and get together on their 18hth birthdays or similar?

This is a good idea, prehaps that could be the way forward!

fluffnutter

moneybags13 wrote: »

You may think I am controlling, but I struggled financially when I was a young adult, and got into lots of debt.

I am nearly 30, and still have a student loan, and have not bought a house. I paid for nearly all of my wedding, and have never been given any help for any of lives big expenses. That is fine and I do not feel resentful about this, but I have worked very hard to have a good job and want my daughter to benefit from this and be able to help her with buying a house / travelling etc, whatever is important to her. I do not want to save thousands of pounds to see it wasted on partying, drugs etc.

How do you even know this will happen?? You say you love this child! You don't seem very impressed by her. Poor kid. How come your daughter will use her money for buying a house and travelling yet your step-daughter will use hers for partying and drugs? They've got the same father !!!!!!! One would hope they've got some consistency in upbringing. Or do you simply hate her mother. Because that's what it sounds like.

If you care about this child, then get involved in her life and be a good influence.

Bluemeanie_2

jungle_jane wrote: »

I would expect that your husband has his own life insurance that provides for both of his daughters equally and for you.

I think that is exactly the point the OP is making. Hubby treats HIS children the same. OP treats her child/ren the same. I see the point that if SD lived with her it would be different.

Step families are complicated and difficult. It is so hard to find a balance. I have two stepchildren and am hoping to have my own soon.

When we all go out together when we have them they will of course be treated all the same. But when they are not physically with me, everytime I buy something for my own child I would put that money aside to pay for something/give to the step kids. They will be getting stuff of their Mother when they are with her.
I apply the same principal to this. How will OP's daughter feel if SD Mother did save for her, then Dad and SM combined saved the same. SD will get a lot more. I know I would feel that my half sibling was treated differently to me. There seems to be a lot of focus on how the stepchild would feel and not the OP's child.

I know people says this is life etc and that's the way it is, but in the interests of fairness I feel OP's original stance is the fairest. To summerise, my opinion, as asked for by OP is. DAD treats his children the same. Mother treats her children the same.

One general point I will make is, on another thread there was a discussion about disciplining stepchildren, and a few people mentioned that the stepparent should not discipline the stepchild in the same way as their own kids, without discussing it with both biological parents first and accept if they were uncomfortable with stepparents method etc. So I find it interesting to note that suddenly where money is concerned that the general stance seems to be treat them all the same?

I wish there was an easy solution to this debate, and of course as with everything, everyone is not going to agree.

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