Savings Accounts and Children (Step Family)

moneybags13

Hi there

I am hoping you can give me your opinions on the following dilema that me and my husband are in! We have been married for two years now and have a baby together. We have always combined our wages and bills and therefore, have no money of our own so to speak, everything is shared. This has always worked well for us as I have always earnt at least double the amount that my husband has, so it saves any uncomfortable discussions on who can afford to pay what.

My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship who stays with us every other weekend.

We would like to start a savings account for each of the children but we are struggling to agree on how much each child should get. I feel that my step daughter should get half of what our child gets as she has a seperate family who should be responsible for half our her future / savings. Our child does not have this additional family and therefore, her savings are our sole responsibility.

My husband does not see things this way and says that they are both his children and he wants to give them the same amount. To this I respond that her mum should be paying half then, but her mum is single and livings off benefits and my husband believes that she is not the sort of person who would save for her child, and this is why he wants us to save the same for both children.

I want to be able to save as much for my daughter as possible and feel that giving my husbands daughter more of an equal share will hinder the amount we can afford to give our child. I have worked since our baby was 6 months old so that we can afford to give her a good live, so I dont feel that it is fair to me that some of these earnings should go to another child whose own mother should be working for.

On the otherhand though, I love my step daughter and want her to have a good future, and I completely see my husbands point, why should he have to choose one child over another.

Please help!!

xxxxx

fluffnutter

moneybags13 wrote: »

My husband does not see things this way and says that they are both his children and he wants to give them the same amount.

Your husband is right.

Wine_of_the_World

I think it would be perfectly fair to give your step daughter less. As you say, she’s not your daughter, and has a whole other family.

I wouldn’t worry whether her mother choses to save for her daughter or not – she will have a different life to your daughter – her mother is around all day, to benefit her that way, whether as you chose to work and benefit your daughter in a different way IYSWIM. She may be saving for her daughter, or her grandparents might be saving for her, etc, etc, you don’t / wont know.

cte1111

I would be very upset if my husband (who is my daughter's step-father) suggested something similar in our family, e.g. only saving half for my daughter compared to our son.

I can see your point about your step-daughter having another family, but you've already said that it is unlikely that her other family will be able to save for her future.

I think to avoid opening a whole can of worms, you would be best to try and reconcile yourself to saving equally for your child / step-child. If not, then I fear big arguments with your OH.

tanith

It might be fair for you to give your step-daughter less but how is it fair to your husband? He has two children and wants to provide for them equally, is there anything stopping you from saving separately for your own daughter? Its not something I'd recommend as I think your husband is right but it might make your feel better..

clearingout

Your husband has a joint and equal responsibility for two children, regardless of who their mothers are. As such, he should be saving exactly the same amount of each of them. That your step daughter has another family who may or may not look out for her financially is simply the luck of the draw, just as being born into a rich or a poor family is. I suspect your step daughter would rather her parents lived together than she has another family which will potentially means she inherits more...she will, however, be somewhat miffed if she ever finds out her father gave her, say £5 for every £10 he gave her half-sibling.

Having said all that, I do see your point and appreciate your frustration. However, that's part of the responsibility of taking on step-children, I think.

CL

I have to say I agree with OP. If your money is 50/50 I would say that you both contribute to savings 50/50, (say £20 each per month for your daughter, so £40 per month). Your husband should contribute to his other daughter's savings in exactly the same way so £20 per month. You however shouldn't be expected to contribute to the savings of a child who is not yours.

fluffnutter

Sometimes life isn't about 'these are your circumstances, therefore you deserve this much', sometimes it's just about giving kids the best start you can afford.

You say your love your stepdaughter so do the decent thing. Who cares about her profligate mother? This is about the daughter, not scoring points against her mother. Imagine how hurt she'll be to find out that her allowance has been carefully calculated and she's deemed to be half as valuable as her sibling, i.e. daddy's new baby with his real wife.

When you marry someone with kids, you take them on too. Don't ask your husband to choose.

Desperado99

I can see the OP's point.......... but, I think the husband is right.

fluffnutter

CL wrote: »

You however shouldn't be expected to contribute to the savings of a child who is not yours.

I should imagine that most step-parents are doing precisely that, particularly those that live with their step-children.

Take an average household of three kids, two are 'hers' from a previous marriage, the youngest is 'theirs' from the current marriage. Daddy decides to buy some christmas presents or take the kids to the zoo. What does he do? Spend twice as much on his 'real' child? When he's handing out some cash at the zoo so that they can all buy something in the gift shop, does he give the older two a fiver and the youngest a tenner?

You can't go through life like that! You have kids in your life, you look after them.

FBaby

There it's no right and wrong in this situation it is about the agreed dynamics of your family and not picking and choosing afterwards. If you've agreed before that your finances were and would be a case of 50/50 no matter what without looking at who is spending on what then you need to accept that you are being unfair considering making a difference now. If however it is a case of 50/50 with bills with each doing what the rest divided for sole purposes and no agreement that the kids would be treated equally then it its up to him to top up the difference. I assume the discussion about whether the children should be treated equally in all respect hadn't happened yet hence the current situation I would therefore discuss and agree the ground rules and stick to it. In the end if you are earning double and assuming contributing double to the bills it comes down to whether you want to treat both children the same or not.