Savings Accounts and Children (Step Family)

Bluemeanie_2

clearingout wrote: »

in exactly the same way the ex wife is always the 'bad mother on benefits who won't work' and as we go down the line, doesn't brush her children's teeth well enough, puts them in clothes that are too small for them, and goes out drinking at the weekend and the perfect step mother posts on forums about how dreadful she is and how she is saving from her own money for the child's future....

it works both ways :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

I don't think the OP said anything of the sort about how "dreadful" the real Mother was. She simply pointed out that as she was on benefits, it was unlikely that she would save for her. That is the only bit she mentioned with regard to her. You seem to have read that into it because of your own situation?

I know your ex doesn't pay for his kids, but that isn't his new bit's fault. He should take responsibility for HIS actions. It is up to the person whether or not they let someone influence their action. Another frequent poster on the CSA pages seems to be blaming her ex's new partner all the time, when in reality it should him she is blaming.

Bluemeanie_2

lowlitmemory wrote: »

I understand the OPs point of view and feel she has been given a bit of a hard time on this thread. Of course her husband should treat both his children equally, but so should the OP, and the OP has one child.

OP, if I were you I would detangle your finances slightly. Get your income paid into a separate account that is yours, and continue to contribute to household expenses as you have been doing. And put aside YOUR own money for your daughter if that is what you want to do, as well as an agreed amount from the household expenses pot for your stepdaughter.

If I was a SD I wouldn't expect my stepmum to be providing savings for me... it would be nice, but unexpected. It's my dad's job and my mum's job, not my SM's.

Just because you are married does not mean you should combine all finances and not have any money of your own. Before anyone says anything my husband and I have completely combined finances BUT on the other hand we both came into the relationship with very little (we were teenagers) and the money we now have has been built up equally and we do not have children or pre-existing financial commitments. If we had had things along those lines we would likely not have combined our finances to the same extent.

Couldn't have put it better myself!

dizziblonde

I was the step child... grew up seeing my step"dad" as my real dad (it's in inverted commas because his later behaviour doesn't dignify him with that title) - was always treated equally to the biological child of the new marriage.

Later on as an adult after the marriage had long since ended up wonderfully acrimoniously - he sends an email to my mother, which was forwarded on to me (thanks mum!) complaining about how he was "conned" into taking me on as one of his own, how I was "inflicted" on him and how me and my mother conspired to "bleed him dry."

I wish he'd had a pair of balls back when they got married to object and say he wasn't going to treat me equally rather than have the resentment simmer for all those years and have to read what he wrote in that email to be honest.

If I sound traumatised - I ain't - he's a plank and he's a plank who has wrecked the lives of all his children and will die a lonely sad plank who couldn't keep it in his pants... his loss.

19lottie82

Hmmmm strange. I have a (kind of) similar dilemma. Well I say, dilemma but it’s actually a potential dilemma as I don’t have a child at the moment…..

BUT My OH has 2 daughters who he looks after FT, they are 9 and 13. I have suggested to him a few times that he should put their CB in a savings account for them so he has something put aside for when they are older, should they need it for uni / wedding / house……

So far he hasn’t done it, think this is mainly down to laziness as he won’t miss the relatively small amount of money each month. I have mentioned it to him a few times but not pushed the issue as it’s not much of my business at the moment.

Anyway we have been together a few years now and are thinking about maybe TTC in a year or so. If I had a child I would definitely want to put their share of the CB into a savings acc for when they are older. BUT would this be fair, on the older ones, even though it’s not my fault that their father didn’t put anything away for them when they were younger.

Obviously, if I did this for my child then I would insist that we start putting something away for the other 2, BUT this contribution to their savings acc would stop when their CB did, so my child would have a lot more due to me putting it aside since their birth.

Any opinions please? Sorry to thread hijack!

Bluemeanie_2

dizziblonde wrote: »

I was the step child... grew up seeing my step"dad" as my real dad (it's in inverted commas because his later behaviour doesn't dignify him with that title) - was always treated equally to the biological child of the new marriage.

Later on as an adult after the marriage had long since ended up wonderfully acrimoniously - he sends an email to my mother, which was forwarded on to me (thanks mum!) complaining about how he was "conned" into taking me on as one of his own, how I was "inflicted" on him and how me and my mother conspired to "bleed him dry."

I wish he'd had a pair of balls back when they got married to object and say he wasn't going to treat me equally rather than have the resentment simmer for all those years and have to read what he wrote in that email to be honest.

If I sound traumatised - I ain't - he's a plank and he's a plank who has wrecked the lives of all his children and will die a lonely sad plank who couldn't keep it in his pants... his loss.

That is an awful way to treat someone. If my Stepchildren's Mother died and they came to live with us and I "took them on" completely, I would never go back on that and while they lived in my house they would be treat all the same.

Incidentally, I split up with my Husband for a few weeks a short time ago, and I was still going to take the kids on holiday and the days out I had promised them. Wasn't fair on them to be disappointed.

But this situation is different in some respects, the OP doesn't live with the child and she does have a Mother (was your "real" Dad involved with you at all?)

Bluemeanie_2

19lottie82 wrote: »

Hmmmm strange. I have a (kind of) similar dilemma. Well I say, dilemma but it’s actually a potential dilemma as I don’t have a child at the moment…..

BUT My OH has 2 daughters who he looks after FT, they are 9 and 13. I have suggested to him a few times that he should put their CB in a savings account for them so he has something put aside for when they are older, should they need it for uni / wedding / house……

So far he hasn’t done it, think this is mainly down to laziness as he won’t miss the relatively small amount of money each month. I have mentioned it to him a few times but not pushed the issue as it’s not much of my business at the moment.

Anyway we have been together a few years now and are thinking about maybe TTC in a year or so. If I had a child I would definitely want to put their share of the CB into a savings acc for when they are older. BUT would this be fair, on the older ones, even though it’s not my fault that their father didn’t put anything away for them when they were younger.

Obviously, if I did this for my child then I would insist that we start putting something away for the other 2, BUT this contribution to their savings acc would stop when their CB did, so my child would have a lot more due to me putting it aside since their birth.

Any opinions please? Sorry to thread hijack!

I would just need a bit more info before I expressed my opinion, (if you want it lol). Do they live with him and you? Do you have full time care? Is their Mother alive or is she just not around? Does she see them at all? Does she pay child support?

Person_one

19lottie82 wrote: »

Hmmmm strange. I have a (kind of) similar dilemma. Well I say, dilemma but it’s actually a potential dilemma as I don’t have a child at the moment…..

BUT My OH has 2 daughters who he looks after FT, they are 9 and 13. I have suggested to him a few times that he should put their CB in a savings account for them so he has something put aside for when they are older, should they need it for uni / wedding / house……

So far he hasn’t done it, think this is mainly down to laziness as he won’t miss the relatively small amount of money each month. I have mentioned it to him a few times but not pushed the issue as it’s not much of my business at the moment.

Anyway we have been together a few years now and are thinking about maybe TTC in a year or so. If I had a child I would definitely want to put their share of the CB into a savings acc for when they are older. BUT would this be fair, on the older ones, even though it’s not my fault that their father didn’t put anything away for them when they were younger.

Obviously, if I did this for my child then I would insist that we start putting something away for the other 2, BUT this contribution to their savings acc would stop when their CB did, so my child would have a lot more due to me putting it aside since their birth.

Any opinions please? Sorry to thread hijack!

I'd say you need to really discuss all the finances and the children and be on the same page before you bring more children into the situation.

However, I'd also suggest starting your own thread.

moneybags13

dizziblonde wrote: »

I was the step child... grew up seeing my step"dad" as my real dad (it's in inverted commas because his later behaviour doesn't dignify him with that title) - was always treated equally to the biological child of the new marriage.

Later on as an adult after the marriage had long since ended up wonderfully acrimoniously - he sends an email to my mother, which was forwarded on to me (thanks mum!) complaining about how he was "conned" into taking me on as one of his own, how I was "inflicted" on him and how me and my mother conspired to "bleed him dry."

I wish he'd had a pair of balls back when they got married to object and say he wasn't going to treat me equally rather than have the resentment simmer for all those years and have to read what he wrote in that email to be honest.

If I sound traumatised - I ain't - he's a plank and he's a plank who has wrecked the lives of all his children and will die a lonely sad plank who couldn't keep it in his pants... his loss.

I am really sorry that this happened to you and that you had to read that email.

Please dont compare me to him though, I really don't feel that my SD is a burden on me and is trying to bleed me dry.

19lottie82

dizziblonde wrote: »

I was the step child... grew up seeing my step"dad" as my real dad (it's in inverted commas because his later behaviour doesn't dignify him with that title) - was always treated equally to the biological child of the new marriage.

Later on as an adult after the marriage had long since ended up wonderfully acrimoniously - he sends an email to my mother, which was forwarded on to me (thanks mum!) complaining about how he was "conned" into taking me on as one of his own, how I was "inflicted" on him and how me and my mother conspired to "bleed him dry."

Why did your Mother send that email to you? I guess it was becasue she was angry at him but surely she must have known how much it would hurt you?

But to be honest my parents are divorced and my Mum hates my Dads guts, so it wouldn't suprise me, if put in a similar situation, she might do the same.

VikkiiKawaii

I don't understand why everyone is giving the OP such a hard time. At the end of the day she does have a point. Why should SHE have to save for a child that isn't hers at her own expense. It would be different if they had split money and the FATHER was choosing to spend his to make it equal but that isn't the case here.