Savings Accounts and Children (Step Family)

gingin_2

I see it the same as if you had the two girls in front of you at christmas and give your daughter a huge pile of presents and the step daughter half the amount and saying "sorry sweetheart, you've got another family, you'll be alright".

I really hope you go with your husband on this.

raq

great threads here.

Relative of ours has a step daughter and a daughter together but wouldn,t even think about give the step daughter anything. Everything, bonds , house and savings are all in the mum, dad and 100% daughter and that is it. A comment was made couple of months ago about do you feel the same love as your daughter together and she said "NO" and it never will. Very odd, be here all day with other comments just like that.

Bluemeanie_2

clearingout wrote: »

your attitude throughout this thread is one of a superior parent who knows better. Or at least that's how I read it.

You also know nothing at all of the mother's circumstances and whether or not she 'chooses' to live on benefits rather than work. You have no right to judge her on what your husband says - 'cos as all us nutter ex wives know, our ex husbands never, ever tell the new squeeze the truth of the matter! Unless you have been on benefits, you will struggle to understand how difficult it can be, particularly as a single parent, to come off them and make ends meet. I agree, of course, that it's no excuse not to work if you are able but sometimes getting your head round the bigger picture takes away some of the anger and frustration that occurs with 'blended' families and the lurking ex!

I have said I appreciate your frustration. But what I don't understand is why you are happy to pool your funds with your husband in all areas other than saving for your respective children. You are, seriously, setting yourself up for problems in your relationship.

You will read into it that way though, as you see it from the other perspective that the OP is looking at.

The bit I have highlighted is often true from the other angle "the new squeeze" (who come across with contempt for, in the same way you say the OP has an attitude) often gets the blame when the ex wife doesn't get her own way every time she snaps her fingers!

FBaby

My half sister is due to inherit massively more than I because her mother, my step mum's parents were very well of and the way the law is set in the concerned country all will go to her despite the fact that my dad supported the whole family himself. Am I resentful? Not one bit because I expect things are not equal between us on the basis we have different mothers. End of it. when families break up and recompose things will be different in many ways for the children involved. That's just the way it is. In the case of the OP her step daughter loses out on seeing less of her dad but gains on having a stay at home mum. She might have less financially but benefits from an extended family. Trying to recreate the dynamics of a original family its only going to confuse things and bringson resentment from encouraging comparisons. I believe it is much better to teach the kids that there will be differences but where one might lose out the other one will gain and vice versa.

moneybags13

FBaby wrote: »

My half sister is due to inherit massively more than I because her mother, my step mum's parents were very well of and the way the law is set in the concerned country all will go to her despite the fact that my dad supported the whole family himself. Am I resentful? Not one bit because I expect things are not equal between us on the basis we have different mothers. End of it. when families break up and recompose things will be different in many ways for the children involved. That's just the way it is. In the case of the OP her step daughter loses out on seeing less of her dad but gains on having a stay at home mum. She might have less financially but benefits from an extended family. Trying to recreate the dynamics of a original family its only going to confuse things and bringson resentment from encouraging comparisons. I believe it is much better to teach the kids that there will be differences but where one might lose out the other one will gain and vice versa.

I think that this is a very fair comment. I also had a step family, after my parents separated when I was 4. My half sister (same mum, and lived with us) would get an additional present at xmas because me and my brother would get presents from our dad. I never once felt resentful or that my mum loved my half sister more. I understood that this was fair.

Why is it that the step mum is always made out to be this evil ogre who doesn't love her step children and hates the ex. Bit too cinderella for me!

Have u ever been a step mum and tried to love a child that wasn't yours? Had to treat that child like your own but not have any say in how they are bought up? I tell you one thing, there is nothing harder than being a step parent, and there are little rewards.

clearingout

Bluemeanie wrote: »

You will read into it that way though, as you see it from the other perspective that the OP is looking at.

The bit I have highlighted is often true from the other angle "the new squeeze" (who come across with contempt for, in the same way you say the OP has an attitude) often gets the blame when the ex wife doesn't get her own way every time she snaps her fingers!

I did attempt to even up the contempt by calling us 'nutter ex wives' in the same sentence as 'new squeeze'....!:D:D:D I don't have much respect for my children's 'step mother', no. But I have good reason for that and it's probably best not to get me started!

I acknowledge the OP's point of view and appreciate how difficult it must be. I don't agree, on this occasion, that treating the children differently is appropriate, however.

clearingout

moneybags13 wrote: »

Why is it that the step mum is always made out to be this evil ogre who doesn't love her step children and hates the ex. Bit too cinderella for me!

Have u ever been a step mum and tried to love a child that wasn't yours? Had to treat that child like your own but not have any say in how they are bought up? I tell you one thing, there is nothing harder than being a step parent, and there are little rewards.

in exactly the same way the ex wife is always the 'bad mother on benefits who won't work' and as we go down the line, doesn't brush her children's teeth well enough, puts them in clothes that are too small for them, and goes out drinking at the weekend and the perfect step mother posts on forums about how dreadful she is and how she is saving from her own money for the child's future....

it works both ways :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

moneybags13

clearingout wrote: »

in exactly the same way the ex wife is always the 'bad mother on benefits who won't work' and as we go down the line, doesn't brush her children's teeth well enough, puts them in clothes that are too small for them, and goes out drinking at the weekend and the perfect step mother posts on forums about how dreadful she is and how she is saving from her own money for the child's future....

it works both ways :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Mmmm...point taken!

lowlitmemory

I understand the OPs point of view and feel she has been given a bit of a hard time on this thread. Of course her husband should treat both his children equally, but so should the OP, and the OP has one child.

OP, if I were you I would detangle your finances slightly. Get your income paid into a separate account that is yours, and continue to contribute to household expenses as you have been doing. And put aside YOUR own money for your daughter if that is what you want to do, as well as an agreed amount from the household expenses pot for your stepdaughter.

If I was a SD I wouldn't expect my stepmum to be providing savings for me... it would be nice, but unexpected. It's my dad's job and my mum's job, not my SM's.

Just because you are married does not mean you should combine all finances and not have any money of your own. Before anyone says anything my husband and I have completely combined finances BUT on the other hand we both came into the relationship with very little (we were teenagers) and the money we now have has been built up equally and we do not have children or pre-existing financial commitments. If we had had things along those lines we would likely not have combined our finances to the same extent.

Wine_of_the_World

Bluemeanie wrote: »

One general point I will make is, on another thread there was a discussion about disciplining stepchildren, and a few people mentioned that the stepparent should not discipline the stepchild in the same way as their own kids, without discussing it with both biological parents first and accept if they were uncomfortable with stepparents method etc. So I find it interesting to note that suddenly where money is concerned that the general stance seems to be treat them all the same?


See my auto-sig!

OP on this forum, most people seem to 'side' if that's the right word, with the step child in relation to a man's new family.

If you want to put something aside for your step-daughter then that is very kind of you - but not something you HAVE to do. You seem, rightly, aware that your step daughter's mother is likely to have more influence how any savings are spent, as she lives with her mother. Therefore you are right to consider that your hard earnt money might be spent on something you don’t agree with, like a massive shopping, and you will have no real say in the matter. Perhaps instead save for your daughter as planned, but for your step-daughter instead decide on a ‘gift’ like driving lessons at 18.

If you were to save for step-daughter and her mother met a new partner who saved for the step-daughter, how would you ensure both continued to be treated equally? Would you increase the amount your daughter gets? Would you even know? Probably not - so I would say trying ensure both children are treated exactly the same is going to be impossible in this context.

As a solution, if you are kind enough to want to save for the step daughter, and can afford to save a total of say £100. If you earn say 70% of the household income - then save £70 for your daughter. Dad earns 30% of household income, so saves £15 for each daughter. That way you can still keep your money 'pooled'.