opinions please

Acc72

chazall wrote: »

Look my mother wouldn't do this and tonight has comfirmed this.

Of course she confirmed this - because it is meaningless (a bit like me saying "if I had a million pounds in the bank I would buy you house" - because I don't have a million pounds in the bank, this is a very easy statement to make).

However, actions speak louder than words - and isn't it your parents who have facilitated this change in your circumstances by increasing your rent from £200 to £750 per month ?

Why are they doing this - and why now ? (especially as you say that your parents have done "extremely well" for themselves).

Also, it doesn't help that you keep referring to the fact that your MIL did not work - especially as you are in the same position.

GDB2222

chazall wrote: »

WHAT WOULD YOU DO? GET IT SORTED OR ALLOW HIS MUM TO ENJOY HER LIFE WITHOUT PAYING
A DIME. (by the way shes a very active healthy 71 year old)

My main contribution to this discussion is to point out that at age 71, mum has approximately 18 years to live still (on average). At least that is what the latest government tables show. So, you can't just sweep this problem under the carpet and hope that it will go away soon.

The OP should try not to put too much strain on poor Lee, who is trying to do his best for everyone.

On a practical basis, everyone needs to get together to try to sort out a fair solution to all this. I believe the OP when she says that her family's finances are all screwed up by this arrangement. Likewise, mum has to live somewhere decent - after all, she has effectively gifted £70k in equity in her house to Lee. Perhaps Mum can move somewhere cheaper? Or perhaps they can find a house with a 'grannexe'? (That would be childcare costs sorted or at least reduced.)

JimmyTheWig

Acc72 wrote: »

Also, it doesn't help that you keep referring to the fact that your MIL did not work - especially as you are in the same position.

I believe the OP does work, as a full-time parent. The full-time parents I know work very hard indeed.

Though I'm not surprised that the MIL doesn't work at 71, so it's a little irrelevant for the OP to say that!



Thinking about it, Lee has taken on the role of an equity release company. Rather than a company making a load of money out of the deal, Lee will be.
Seems like, possibly, he's taken on a long-term investment without realising that it may become unaffordable.
Without knowing all the figures, lets assume that Lee paid his parents the same as a company would have done.

The parents could have used a company and then the MIL would have been in exactly the same situation that she is in now. She wouldn't have any house to pass on to her children when she dies. Some may see that as unfair or immoral. Others may see that as her getting the benefit from what she has paid for. But the point is that they could have done it and been in this same situation.
So the fact that she can afford Sky and expensive holidays is not her problem. She could have gone down the equity release company route and still been able to afford this.

Which means that it would be bang out of order for Lee to try and renegotiate the agreement. Just as out of order as it would be if a company tried to do it.
Imagine if the parents had made such a deal with a company and then come on these boards saying "we did an equity release and now the company are coming back saying they want x, y or z because they didn't think it through properly".

If the MIL sees your family is struggling then she may want to help out. Just as she may want to help her other children. But she shouldn't be made to feel that she should help out just because she is a party to an investment that Lee has made.

So, OP, I'm afraid it's a case of "jam tomorrow".
The chances are that Lee has made a very shrewd investment, an investment that will produce a very healthy return.
Assuming that the two of you are in it for the long-haul then that return is something that will benefit you.
In making this investment he is leaving your family a little short. Not terribly short, but a little short. I'm afraid that that's something that you have to live with for now.

So it's a case of following the usual things for people who are a little short.
Are you on the best tariff for gas and electric?
Are you paying high interest on debts?
is the mortgage at a decent rate?
Can you sell things on eBay / Facebook / car boot sales?
Have you tried dropping a brand on your shopping? Or doing meal plans so you only buy what you need and don't waste food?
Can either of you work more hours?

You could do a SOA for people on here to have a look at and suggest places where savings could be made.


One further thing: Does Lee pay into a private pension or other long-term saving scheme? If so, I would consider, in these circumstances, stopping these payments. The house that he is buying is a long-term investment and further investments may be considered overkill.

Acc72

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

I believe the OP does work, as a full-time parent. The full-time parents I know work very hard indeed.

I have not suggested otherwise.

The OP has stated on several occassions that her MIL does not / did not previously work (I assumed this to be paid employment - i.e. what we would colloquially refer to as a "job").

I merely pointed out that as the OP does not have such paid employment / a "job" then she is in the same situation as her MIL.

Clearlier

If Lee's salary has just gone from £1600 a month to £2600 a month (which is an amazing leap) then is there not reason to believe that it may increase further in coming years?

I imagine that the OP will disagree, possibly vehemently, but this does sound to me like a battle for the affections of Lee boiling down to 'if you don't move your mother out then you love her more than me'. It's kind of hinted at with the animosity felt about the better standard of living that the m-i-l enjoys.

If, as it seems like, you and your m-i-l rub each other up the wrong way then I completely understand why you don't want to live in the same house. It would likely end in tears especially as you're a stay at home mum at the moment.

You asked for opinions so here's mine. Go to Lee, say you're sorry that you've brought up everything about his Mum but you've had a think about it and it's really none of your business. You're going to stop talking about it and move on making the very best that you can of your life together.

Then you need to actually do that, find a way to compartmentalise it, whether you view it as being an investment or income that you simply never had doesn't really matter. The point is that you don't tear apart your relationship with Lee. You probably don't see it but it's a pretty inevitable conclusion of forcing this issue through no matter what the initial outcome. This is a commitment he has made. IMO you're better off with a partner that keeps their commitments.

Good luck!

chazall

marliepanda wrote: »

The siblings who are going to get a big fat zero when his mum dies, as they have not contributed. Lee has helped, so he will get the whole estate it seems.

Been there, got the tshirt with unhelpful siblings who wash their hands of the elders. Its a bad situation, BUT they are not going to get anything are they? Lee will, thats how you need to think of it.

You are not just in the situation because of his mum. You are in the situation because of a deal that lee and his parents struck up together, to mutually benefit both of them. Why should he get the benefit for it all without upholding his part of the deal? A cheap house for nothing?


Aaaaaaaand once you are working when Lois is in school you will have a whole wage to get treats and holidays with!

We do not want a house for nothing, we just want to move on.
If we didnt pay a mortgage on the family home, we could easily afford our own mortgage, with or without the equilty.

chazall

marliepanda wrote: »

And Lee will get no part of the life insurance? No part of any special belongings?

Also you have gone from:



So instead of being homeless and broke, which is what you originally claimed was going to happen, it is now that you won't be able to have treats and holidays? Which is it?

no i am saying if we do manage to rent we would be broke.
if we find we cannot affford rent we will be homeless.
as for treats and holidays these are things we could do even with a mortgage of our own if we didnt pay her mortgage.

chazall

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I also think you're a piece of work. And by that I mean mercenary, petulant, resentful, unrealistic and horribly interfering. I sincerely hope this situation causes you as much unhappiness as possible for as long as possible.

I think this is unnessasary and rude. you obviously dont get my point, which to be fair is quit hard to explain fully as you don't no me as a person. I just want my familys life to be the best it can, im not out to ruin my MIL life.

chazall

ognum wrote: »

I think that what the OP is suffering from is youth, she is just young, she is like some young people who believe their needs and wants out strip everyone else's.

OP you were aware of all this when at 19 you and your partner decided to have a child. Presumably one of the things that attracted you to your partner was his care and compassion.

I think you need to stand back and look critically at the situation, I can tell by your posts you feel very aggrieved but should you?

Most people would not throw their mother out of a house, she is bereaved, all her memories and thought are bound up in the house.

However, maybe the best thing is for when your partner is ready, not when you think he should be ready, for him alone to go and talk with his mother about life and finances, most things can be solved with a conversation and compromise on both sides.

My opinion is that the OP should back off at this time and allow her lovely partner the space to solve this. I can feel myself becoming defensive for him from the tone of the OPs posts.

To the OP please just step back and encourage gently, stamping your foot for you child and your rights is not attractive!

Im not doing this for money nor am i doing this to ruin lifes. I may be young but have my head screwed on which is why i want to sort this out now.

Yes i fully understand the memories this house has but its got to a point where we cannot afford to do this just because of these things.I am not being horrid to MIL infact we both do alot for her.

chazall

Acc72 wrote: »

I feel sorry for Lee

From the limited information, he sounds like a hard working stand up bloke who entered into an agreement with open eyes with the best of intentions.

Unless I have missed it, the OP does not say when this agreement was made (was this before they met?) and also what is the location of this property - can't they all live in the house together (at least for the short term) ?

To be fair the OP is getting a hard time, but they are not coming across well at all.

It seems that because she worked from the age of 16 to 19 that she is more entitled to "holidays" and "treats" (paid for by Lee) than his mother is entitled to having a roof over her head - after all she is "a very active healthy 71 year old".

This is not true im saying that, the difference is i will go back to work and work my whole life to make things better for my family. Lee works very hard and its not about just holidays its got to the point were we are gonna be skint so keeping his my in the family home is too much. we deserve to live without counting the pennys.