opinions please

chazall

Acc72 wrote: »

Lee paid the mortgage for the home that he owns (paid £70k for a £140k property).

What did the payment cover ?

Given the age of the OP's MIL they are a pensioner, and probably in receipt of just the basic state pension - would you expect her to buy food for her adult son ?

£200 a month for food, gas, electricity, water, insurance, council tax etc. isn't such a bad deal.

they only had 4yrs left at the time this decision was made. they were paying £700 a month not to much imo. so i dont know the exact amounts but lee paid there debt off for the aswell the £70,000 covered that and the mortgage. MIL is on state pension & a small private pension.

chazall

dodger1 wrote: »

Has Lee spoken to his mum about this. I know as a retired single parent I'd be more than happy to move from a three bedroomed property to something smaller if it helped my children and grand children, and personally I wouldn't want a granny annexe.

MIL does not want to move and expects lee and us to deal with it. This is whats frustrating lee agrees with me but says his mum is selfish and wont budge even to help us out.

We dont want to make her homeless like some have said, we would make sure she had somewhere to live first. I think the biggest fear to MIL is what the neighbours might think lol.

chazall

BlueAngelCV wrote: »

I don't really have much practical advice but I wanted to post to offer my support given some of the comments here.

I completely understand your frustration and the need to sort things out. This isn't a case of your partner helping out a bit and you being cross about £50 here and there, this is a major expense which is putting your life on hold for no reason.

I am not suggesting that the OP throws the MIL out on the street (and haven't noticed the OP actually suggesting that either) but there is a middle ground someone between paying mortgage for a 3 br house and making her homeless.

It sounds like MIL is quite selfish, she has had opportunity to help repay some of this money but hasn't made any attempt to do so. If it were me or my Mum or Nan I am 100% sure that we would have been the ones to suggest that this was not really a sensible option after the death of FIL.

I think you really need to sit down with your OH, talk it through and come up with some practical suggestions. MIL sounds difficult but is there any chance she would consent to downsizing? Or moving into a bigger property with space for you all (would not be my preferred option!)?

Thankyou :j

BobQ

I see the vitriol against the OP continues. Shame on those who indulge in it.

chazall wrote: »

Thankyou. she is not on the deeds they sold the house as a gift to lee. you are probably right she is slighly un-aware of the problems being caused.

I assume this means that the proportion of the equity his parents owned was gifted and Lee simply took on the mortgage.
While this is a very good deal for your family, its a long term benefit which as you say means your finances are tight in the short term. Its a bit like resenting the pension contributions while dreaming of retiring early.

The arrangement means that provided MIL were to agree, you could sell the house and afford to buy a larger property or buy your MIL a smaller one to live in, were she to agree. If she wants to stay, have you explored whether Lee could use an equity release scheme to release sufficient equity in the property that paid off all or some of the mortgage. Obviously Lee would get much less for it when his Mum dies or moves out, but it might be a solution. (Edit - I see Jimmy above suggested this)

Do you know why she wants to stay in the house. Is it that she has strong emotional ties amd memories? Or is it that she does not like change? Is it fear that she is being forced to do something? Lack of security? Does she love the garden? Does she not trust you/Lee?

I ask because in my experience many older people living alone in a three bedroom house do not like the fact that its too large, the cost of maintenance, the hassle of the garden, the time/effort involved in cleaning it etc. Maybe you need to spend some time exploring the reasons and discussing the pros and cons of an alternative?

BobQ

DPJames wrote: »

Not really.
I'm impressed with OP's attitude towards receiving all the unfavourable comments she's had though. Hasn't really bit at all yet. She's still in the wrong though. Her and her parents.

In your opinion.

However your statement serves to demonstrate that you are spending your time trying to make her bite and provoke an argument rather than have anything useful and constructive to say. It says more about you than it does her ... bitter and twisted in my opinion.

Pricivius

I'm confused. Lee made a deal with his parents for his benefit as well as theirs, as clearly set out above by GDB2222. It was a long term arrangement which he must have understood at the time. I don't see how it's so wrong for his mum to expect him to keep to the deal, just because circumstances have changed, and I don't see how that makes her selfish. If anything, to have made such a deal which gave his mum security in her family home for life and then to want to go back on that arrangement when it no longer suits him is selfish.

He must have known it would be unlikely that he would be living with her until she passed away, so what did he anticipate happening when he met someone and moved out to start a family? Or did he not think ahead at all?

Has Lee looked into buying a family home for you all? He should be able to get another mortgage, considering the LTV on his mum's house...

Clearlier

There are a host of practical solutions being suggested but few ideas on the practicalities of achieving the solution. I think that Chaz needs to think of the bigger picture and what the implications are for her relationship with Lee.

The difficulty here is not what to do - as outlined by many on the thread already there are a multitude of possibilities - the difficulty is how to do it. 'm-i-l' v 'd-i-l' is such a difficult relationship to navigate and it's difficult to see how forcing this doesn't result in the breakdown of at least one relationship and in the longer term probably both.

In the longer term the strategist always wins out over the tactician. At the very least the pressure needs to be taken off Lee and space allowed for him to think things through.

Mrs_Imp

There might be a very good reason why the MIL hasn't worked.

It wasn't that long ago that women were expected to stop working once they got married. They then worked at home - cleaning, cooking from scratch, watching, keeping house etc.

There are siblings mentioned (4 children altogether I seem to remember). If you take an average of 2 years between children, plus 5 years until the youngest is at school, that's 11 years of not being able to work. We already know that the childcare costs in the area are prohibitive, so it's unlikely she would've been able to get out to work until the youngest was at school. Lee is 30, she's 71. So she was 46 when he went to school. Then she'd be looking for a job that means she can drop them off and pick them up. Not very easy when you're 46 with probably little or no employment history. Not impossible, but not easy.

gravitytolls

OP you've taken a bit of flack on here, but all credit it to you, you've maintained your position without being abusive.

You do seem very young, you had your first child at 19 yrs, so your working life has been limited, as have life experiences generally, I suspect. This ultimately is what shapes your views. In ten years time, with more experience under you rbelt, you may see things differently.

But that's by the by, as it's not ten years later, it's now and you're 23.

IMO, I agree that £750p.m is dead money. But if you can afford £750 rent, can you not afford a mortgage? Have you looked into the possibility of buying your own home? This would leave your family in an excellent position when the time comes that you have mil's house to with as you please.

The other alternative, which sounds eminently sensible, would be to live with MIL, increase the existing mortgage, and extend to provide a granny annexe. It may not be the most attractive solution, bt it would pay off as an investment.

I understand that this puts you 20 mins away from work and increases travel costs, however considering the non expense of £750pm rent, you still make major savings.

You need to try to find the positives in all situations, rather than focus on the negatives. You have ascertained your problem, but you are unable to see your solution because your mindset is too entrenched in one solution.

Good luck, keep an open mind, and remember that no solution will be perfect, but how imperfect it is depends on how positively you can view it.

JimmyTheWig

GDB2222 wrote: »

The parents' position is exactly the same position as if they had done a commercial home reversion plan.

Exactly.
OP, what do you think to this line of reasoning?

chazall wrote: »

were paying for this home for his mum.

No, you're not.
You're paying for an investment decision that Lee made before you were on the scene. It still looks like a good investment, so either decide to keep it for the future or get someone (e.g. equity release company) to buy it off you.