Money woes of the other half

Tish_P

I'm sorry my earlier reply was a bit curt. It's just that from the outside looking in, there is such an obvious problem with you not treating each other like reasonable adults. And you asked questions that amounted to "How about I treat him even less like an adult?"

A possible script for when he tries the shutting down thing is "When you want to talk about it, I'll be in the other room." And then go away. He can strike theatrical attitudes to an audience of zero until he sees sense. Similarly if he starts swearing, you leave the room or put the phone down saying you will talk when you can discuss it calmly.

TBH though it very much sounds as if you'd be better off without him. You keep saying he has so much potential - what about YOUR potential?

the_cat

It worries me that you talk about his 'potential' like he is some half finished project that you will soon complete and then he will be 'fixed'

He is who he is. You can't change him. He is either right or wrong for you AS HE IS NOW. You need to decide what sort of relationship you want and if he is capable and willing to give you that

Otherwise you will spend the rest of your life being this man's surrogate mother and never get the relationship you want

Froom2

londoner1998 wrote: »

I used to have this problem with my husband, and it is a very effective way of manipulating you. He is provoking a reaction so that he doesn't have to do anything and when you finally react and lose your cool, tell you you are being unreasonable. Is that how it goes? If that is the case, again, don't play ball. That behaviour is childish and manipulative. Just say 'when you are ready to negage, will talk'. And leave it at that. Do your thing, do to work, to the gym , cook your food. And leave him to it. For me that's when we started the break the cycle and now this hardly happens. We learnt to communicate. I must add: it could be he just doesn't have the tools to communicate effectively with you in the middle of a conflict and so, he shuts down. My Husband once said ' I just don't have the words" and then it clicked- it is not that he didn't want to, is that he didn't know how to have a conversation about somethign that made him angry, sad or uncomfortable. I am not excusing it, but I am saying you need to go about this in a way that works and protects you. Try not to lose you temper, don't cry, don't give in. If you see yourself crumbling, walk away before losing it completely. If he doesn't engage, walk away. Keep yourself to yourself. Live your life. He might then notice something has changed. If he pretends nothing has happened, tell him (calmly) you still have an unfinished conversation that you feel is very important you take up again. Essentially you are giving him time to be ready. See what happens. This will not change overnight, but it can be worth exploring, if as you say you are not prepared to give up yet (which I respect). I did and since we have a much more stable relationship and when things get tight, I avoid arguing- I prefer to wait to cool off and then tackle it again.

Thank you so so much - your post is really really helpful. It's good to know that someone else has been through a similar situation and managed to make it work.

I think this is a really good way of dealing with it... in fact I have sort of been semi trying already, by telling myself that I have to get on with things that I would do whether he was here or not. But saying to him when he shuts down clearly that when he's ready, we will finish the conversation... is that what you mean? What if he just ignores it and never says anything :S
How long do I wait? What do I do about the fact that he needs to make more of an effort about getting work? I can't and shouldn't nag him all the time, but equally it's been eight months now. Eight months and he hasn't quit smoking either. (He puts the cigarettes on his mum's credit card btw).

We are going away this weekend to visit friends in ireland, and I have yet to decide what to do about funding food and drinks etc he paid for the flights with the one job he has had since we moved in together. I don't know what to do.

Hermia

Froom2 wrote: »

What makes it particularly hard is that he doesn't ask for anything. I don't give him any money for anything apart from paying for food and bills. And I am careful to put some money away safe each month rather than spend more on things.

He doesn't get any money for any of the following things on a regular basis: mobile phone, haircuts, toiletries, sweets, alcohol/nights out, games.. whatever else there is that I don't pay for.

The library book thing this morning was definitely a final straw for me. This evening, I am going to explain to him that unless he starts pulling his weight, he is not sleeping in my flat because he is not earning it. Simple as. No negotiation. He gets a duvet and he sleeps in the van.

Does that sound reasonable do you think?

If I hadn't read the rest of this thread I would have thought this was a post from a mother talking about her layabout teenage son. I cannot believe this is a woman talking about her partner. OP - what are you getting from this relationship? Why don't you want a proper MAN who will be responsible and pull his weight? I just cannot respect spongers and people who are happy to watch their partners do everything.

Froom2

Tish_P wrote: »

A possible script for when he tries the shutting down thing is "When you want to talk about it, I'll be in the other room." And then go away. He can strike theatrical attitudes to an audience of zero until he sees sense. Similarly if he starts swearing, you leave the room or put the phone down saying you will talk when you can discuss it calmly.

You have a good point, I'm probably not treating as much like an adult as I should either.

Regarding the quoted, I go out of the room and he just... doesn't do anything. He never comes to try and make amends.

I am starting to see that maybe he and I aren't very compatible as much as I hate to lose him, I'm going to have to have a discussion about this with him tonight regardless of his plans... I dunno.

I'm having coffee with a friend after work, to chat about this too. I want to try and discuss as much as I can with other people, and see as many different views as I can before I bull in with my lop-sided point of view.

I really appreciate all your responses, no matter how curt they might seem. Sometimes people need to hear things they don't want to hear - especially when feeling upset. And I know that I'm no exception to this.

~Froom~

System

he paid for the flights with the one job he has had since we moved in together. I don't know what to do.

He paid for his own flight dont forget (and so he should!). Yes he paid for yours too and so he should for all youve done for him!

Eight months and he hasn't quit smoking either. (He puts the cigarettes on his mum's credit card btw).

So not only does he sponge off you, he sponges off his Mum too.

lizzyb1812

Froom2 wrote: »

I don't want to be alone again, I want a family I don't want to spend another ten years looking for someone ;_; But obviously this one isn't working.

So, are you prepared to "settle for" a poor relationship rather than look forward to a real partnership with someone else? Please, please DON'T! I did and it took me years to get out of it - so many years that a family became out of the realms of possibility.

Of course he has his good points, but how long will enjoying those overcome your resentment about the really important things like respect and communication and pulling his weight? Sorry, but far better to cut your losses now I think.

I tried the getting on with things regardless of his attitude/actions thing - just leads to more and more resentment over time. He clearly doesn't respect you - do you still respect him? If not, there's your answer re the future.

londoner1998

Froom2 wrote: »

But saying to him when he shuts down clearly that when he's ready, we will finish the conversation... is that what you mean? What if he just ignores it and never says anything :S
How long do I wait? What do I do about the fact that he needs to make more of an effort about getting work? I can't and shouldn't nag him all the time, but equally it's been eight months now. Eight months and he hasn't quit smoking either. (He puts the cigarettes on his mum's credit card btw).

We are going away this weekend to visit friends in ireland, and I have yet to decide what to do about funding food and drinks etc he paid for the flights with the one job he has had since we moved in together. I don't know what to do.

Well,if he just ignores it and never says anything, YOU bring it up. If he still doesn't want to engage, walk away. Do it al again. If he never does anything, you might end up leaving him. YOu need to be strong and serious about this for him to treat it seriously. This is very hard, but if he cares about you at all, at some point he will be worried that actually he is losing his grip on you and you might leave him. It is true, you might not be compatible: you need to find out what is he prepared to do for the relationship. If he just ignores that you have a problem, you might have to decide for how long do you want to keeping going on like this. If it were me, I wouldn't go on that weekend trip. You need to put your money where you mouth is: how can you go to visit friends for a weekend when you have been treated in this way and are so unhappy? Try and talk to him, the way I suggested. If things get upsetting, cancel the trip and make other plans, on your own. You can't continue to be like this. It could be you need to put distance between you two and give him the chance to realise you are not there to save him each and every time.

Froom2

I just got this email from him, in reply to the one I sent him. I wouldn't normally duplicate a personal email like this but I think it's only fair to show you guys how he words things. There are, after all, always two sides to any story. This is the most eloquent he has ever been, I shed a few tears reading this. I am most definitely not ready to give up on him yet.

I really don't think we need councelling baby, and this morning am sorry if i was frustrating but i didnt evn know what day it was, never mind be able to have a conversation with u, i had about 2 hours sleep because i slept out the power cut the day before, i only didnt want to take the books back because i had an action plan for today which involves doing loads of washing and tidying and stuff ready for thursday , but i just couldnt even comprehend what you where trying to say this morning.
I do love you baby and you are the most important thing in my life, (well your second to cream cheese and bagels, but still). I do have problems with expressing myself emotionally and showing that i love you, but at the moment im that tightly strung and trying to cope with going into deep dark depression that if i where to open up a bit im scared id probably have a melt down, keeping eveything stored inside and acting like i dont really care is probably not the best thing to do for most people, but it helps me cope atm. I have no problems or issues with you, but im just not happy in myself atm, it is no fault of your own and nothing you can help me with, i will try harder to show a bit more emotion towards and were not in the long term marriage stage, were in the moved in together before we were both financially stable stage, and thats always going to throw up difficult situations. Our strength as a couple will show if we overcome situations like this and its never going to be easy, but knowing that i love you more than anything even if i dont always show it should help.
Sometimes your just going to have trust the fact that i love you coz like i said im not always in good spirits, and although its not your fault you will probably feel the backlashes of it sometimes.
Dont no what else to write now.... erm.. The End

Thank you again for all your support guys, I will most definitely take all your advice in and muddle through this somehow. I'm not ruling out that it might not work in the end, but I am not willing to rule out that it might work either... if that makes sense.

~Froom~

londoner1998

Well, it seems in writing he opens up more than face to face... At least you can start talking now He has plans to do laundry, washing, etc for Thursday: leave him to it. May be he needs a bit of space to do things without you telling him to do them. I have been guilty of this in the past. and although not always done to my standard or on my ideal timeframe, at least he tries... Good luck, keep moving forward. You need to learn together and no one said it is easy to leave with someone.
Ax