Money woes of the other half

LandyAndy

He's a plasterer by trade and he has a van. Does he have all the necessary plasterer's tools?

He doesn't actually need to 'make a living' at plastering he just needs to make an effort in th efirst instance. I would have thought a few local adverts would have raised a few jobs he could do on a self employed basis. Even if he only works a day a week in the first instance he is in the lucky position of that being sufficient in the short term to contribute and show commitment.

There may not be a a lot of work at the moment but there must always be some for a decent plasterer.

Froom2

He has everything he needs.

I would have thought so too, on the work front. I've never really understood why he hasn't included manchester in his job searching on the plasterer front - that's where his mother lives so he can work there for a week or whatever and not worry about a place to stay. I have asked him to do this, and I'll chase him up on it this weekend when we talk.

He sent of for his cscs card couple of days ago, so maybe that will help. He did find a job a few weeks ago, which was just a casual labour type job, but only lasted two days. But still. It paid for our weekend away visiting friends in ireland (yey for not needing to pay for accommodation on holiday). He needs more of this.

I know he wants it - I've spoken to his best friend, who expressed amazement that he was still with me because apparently he normally hates being with a girl and not being able to spend money on her. So maybe there is hope yet. I think he's got himself into a bit of a blob at the moment, I know how depressing it gets when you go a while without work because I've been there.

Gonna be a firm discussion on Saturday afternoon I think! I'm not going to cut him any more slack. I'm going to tell it to him straight, whether he wants to hear it or not. I refuse to be sucked into a position where I get more and more soft and less and less able to stand up to him.

Thank you so much everyone for your ideas and support!

paddy's_mum

Good luck for today. I shall be thinking of you and hoping for a happy outcome.

Lexxi

Froom2 wrote: »

I know he wants it - I've spoken to his best friend, who expressed amazement that he was still with me because apparently he normally hates being with a girl and not being able to spend money on her. So maybe there is hope yet.

That doesn't sound right. What makes you not normal that he is happy to sponge off you rather than treat you and take you out.

Froom2

So I tried to talk to him on Monday... I think I did it all wrong my arguments were illogical and borne out of me worrying all weekend, so they didn't really make sense and I ended up just blabbering on and making both of us unhappy. Shouting occurred, and he went out to cool off for 20 mins or so. Then he came back, apologised, as did I, we hugged, kissed and talked a bit more sensibly.

Sometimes I feel like the only way I can get into a proper conversation is to have an argument first.

But anyway, I said during the shouting that I felt ignored and unappreciated, and that I thought there was more he should be doing. I said that sometimes it seems like he's only here because it's convenient and easy for him.
He shut down, as he always does (after a bit of swearing, and telling me to shut up, which I took GREAT offence to - I refuse to be told to shut up like that and I told him so), then after he came back in and we were talking sensibly he said that it is far from convenient for him to be living here.

I am yet to sit down with him to talk through money, partly because I forgot to email myself my spreadsheet.

I am still concerned, but I'm going to have to make it clear to him that the van absolutely HAS to pay it's way. He knows that I am worried about what will happen when his insurance runs out (last few months are already paid for), and I'm going to ask him what he intends to do about it this evening.

But I gotta get my arguments straight - almost script them out so I don't get knocked off track. Talking it through here helps so much - thank you everyone.
I still feel bad about the van, I can't decide if it's just cramping him to sell it - without it he wouldn't even have the option of working plasterer jobs.

gfplux

I don't know wether you are familiar with the old saying (which is so true)

"women in a relationship with a man try to change him (and he doesn't change). Men get in to a relationship with a women and think she will never change (and of course she does)"

Good luck

bluebird

Ask Him how HE intends to pay for the van's insurance and Tax?
I don't feel you should be paying for this, He has to step up and start growing up.
Goodluck with your chat about money look forward to reading the update.
Keep it simple and to point so you won't get off track,be sure to get everything off your chest.keep calm.walk away if shouting occurs.keep control of the situation.

Froom2

bluebird wrote: »

Ask Him how HE intends to pay for the van's insurance and Tax?
I don't feel you should be paying for this, He has to step up and start growing up.
Goodluck with your chat about money look forward to reading the update.
Keep it simple and to point so you won't get off track,be sure to get everything off your chest.keep calm.walk away if shouting occurs.keep control of the situation.

Thank you I'm writing down a list of points I'd like to talk with him about. I already asked him to sit down with me this evening and look at things and he agreed, so I think it will be okay.
Thank you for being so lovely with your help, guys!

Froom2

So an update...

We still haven't talked money through. Other things have come up.

I am absolutely livid this morning. Furious. I'm sorry for the upcoming rant, but it would be helpful if someone could tell me - honestly - if I'm being unreasonable. I'll try and be as objective as I can be.

So yesterday was rubbish, the power was off all day for emergency repairs which put me in a bad mood to start with... we ended up having a massive argument in the evening and tears and swearing etc... I can't even really remember properly how it went now. But we made up eventually.

This morning, though, I get up to go to work and I think oh, would be nice to get those library books taken back finally before we go away for the weekend. He is still in bed, but partly awake. I sat next to him and asked him (I wasn't in a bad mood at all at this point) if he'd be able to take the books back today. "No."

..... wth? I think

Me: Sorry?
OH: *remains half hidden under the bed covers*
Me: um?
OH: No.
Me: What do you mean, no? (not angry sounding, just curious)
No response.

So then I start getting annoyed. I know it's morning and he's half asleep, but really... don't I deserve a better response than this? Even just saying no, I've got other things to do today would be fine. I told him that, and he still just said either No or nothing.

He got very angry at one point and swore at me, telling me to leave him alone. I was very angry too. Shouting happened, and it went on about half an hour...

I said to him that he was being childish... and he laughed and made like it was ME that was being childish... well maybe, but seriously, when faced with behaviour like that what the hell am I supposed to do??
In the end, (And I'll be damned if I'm going to be ignored the way he was ignoring me, it's one of the things that I really REALLY can't stand) he gave in and finally said 'no, I'm doing other things today'

Although what the hell he is doing all day that means he doesn't have an hour to cycle into town with a few books. Lazy so and so. I sent Relate an enquiry email, and then I emailed him before I went to work, basically trying to lay out what I want to say to him but can't because it seems impossible. Talking to a brick wall is not very easy.

So I'll see if he responds to that... we are going away this weekend and the weekend after, and I've suggested to him that he take a week or so to go visit his mother and friends back home after that.

But I am hoping for a relatively articulate response to the email I sent. It seems a sad day when one half of a couple feels like they have to resort to emailing the other to air their thoughts.

~Froom~

Sambucus_Nigra

Relate? Don't bother. He's a sponge and you know it.