Money woes of the other half

Caroline_a

Oh dear. One question for you... do you want to be his partner or his mother, because right now he's expecting you to act like his mother!

I don't want to say it, but it really sounds like this relationship, no matter how nice he is, is doomed. And I think you'll be a lot better for it after some time too!

londoner1998

I am not sure about showing him the thread, I guess it is up to you and whether you feel it will make any impression on him. But I would ask him a simple question: 'what would happen if I lost my job? How would you survive?' Has he ever thought about it? He needs to understand that this behaviour is just not on. I personally would just get on with my life and make it clear you want to see 'action', ie, him on the move early on in the morning and out of the house scouting for plasterer work and/or doing house chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry. Do your thing, go and see your friends, spend time with yourself. And of course, cut the supply of money. If he doesn't have it, he has to find it. Simple. He is not your child and as such, it is just reasonable to expect him to behave like a responsible adult. This relationship will not work unless he really takes a good look in the mirror and starts acting with some respect, towards himself and towards you. Try to speak to him and if things get tricky or you star to argue, you have two options: carry on with it and spell out how you are feeling in whatever way you need to or tell him that you will talk when he is ready to listen and engage as an adult without shouting/swearing, then walk away. Whatever you do, take good care of yourself and don't fall for any emotional blackmail and don't be made to feel bad for being frustrated, angry and fed up. I think you have every right to be, but only if you stop enabling him. It is your choice. Good luck, I know it is hard to break the cycle, but you must: I had a boyfriend like that once and things broke down when he got sacked from his job and he treated me in a similar way your guy is treating you. I am sure he is nice, but is he right for you? He needs to prove that.

Froom2

What makes it particularly hard is that he doesn't ask for anything. I don't give him any money for anything apart from paying for food and bills. And I am careful to put some money away safe each month rather than spend more on things.

He doesn't get any money for any of the following things on a regular basis: mobile phone, haircuts, toiletries, sweets, alcohol/nights out, games.. whatever else there is that I don't pay for.

The library book thing this morning was definitely a final straw for me. This evening, I am going to explain to him that unless he starts pulling his weight, he is not sleeping in my flat because he is not earning it. Simple as. No negotiation. He gets a duvet and he sleeps in the van.

Does that sound reasonable do you think?

Tish_P

He gets a duvet and he sleeps in the van. Does that sound reasonable do you think?

Not to me it doesn't. He's not your misbehaving dog any more than he's your stroppy son. You can't check his homework and you can't put him on the naughty step and you can't send him to his kennel. What you can do is set reasonable boundaries and, if he won't respect them, break up.

Froom2

Tish_P wrote: »

Not to me it doesn't. He's not your misbehaving dog any more than he's your stroppy son. You can't check his homework and you can't put him on the naughty step and you can't send him to his kennel. What you can do is set reasonable boundaries and, if he won't respect them, break up.

Mm okay, so boundaries like what? And how? I've never been in a relationship before and this is completely new to me and I'm fed up and angry and feeling hurt and betrayed and I'm tired of trying to think of what to do next.

So how do I set these boundaries and how do I enforce them? Is it comply or break up with every boundary?

~Froom~

VestanPance

Froom2 wrote: »

Mm okay, so boundaries like what? And how? I've never been in a relationship before and this is completely new to me and I'm fed up and angry and feeling hurt and betrayed and I'm tired of trying to think of what to do next.

So how do I set these boundaries and how do I enforce them? Is it comply or break up with every boundary?

~Froom~

You can't enforce boundaries. Part of any relationship is compromising.

As adults you both need to work at the relationship and if either party isn't willing to address issues that are causing the other anguish then you have problems. If you can't get him to hold an adult conversation over the issues you are having you have a bigger issue than you think.

Froom2

He shuts down completely. I've never come accross anything else like it. He literally will lie there with his arm over his eyes. Or sit on the sofa with a hand on his temple and eyes shut. For very long times sometimes. It is a literal shut down, there's no other way to describe it. He denies me any discussion at all and then when I ask him to discuss things or give me some acknowledgement, he tells me that I'm not letting him, that I'm not asking him anything, or that I'm not being logical.

It isn't bad communication, it is zero communication, it seems to me. And I have literally no Idea what to do next. I don't know how to mend things, or if I'm making things worse by worrying about it.

I don't want to be alone again, I want a family I don't want to spend another ten years looking for someone ;_; But obviously this one isn't working.

londoner1998

Froom2 wrote: »

What makes it particularly hard is that he doesn't ask for anything. I don't give him any money for anything apart from paying for food and bills. And I am careful to put some money away safe each month rather than spend more on things.

He doesn't get any money for any of the following things on a regular basis: mobile phone, haircuts, toiletries, sweets, alcohol/nights out, games.. whatever else there is that I don't pay for.

Froom2
Do you realise how distorted your thinking has become? Of course you don't give him money for any of those things! He is an adult!! You are not supposed to subsidise his living. The fact you don't give those things to him doesn't make him a hero, or his behaviour any less unacceptable. Why are you trying to justify his behaviour, which otherwise is driving you nuts? Please don't take it badly, but I think you are feeding this kind of behaviour (and I should know, I did it too in the past) and so in that way, keeping him dependent. Stop doing that. And I don't think either that sending him to sleep in the van is a good strategy. Mistress/slave sort of think will not fix this problem. You need to talk to him about how do you want to go on about this. He needs to make an effort to find work, and this will take time, but in the meantime, you need to come up with a plan that makes him contribute and you feel less resentful. While he looks for work he might not be earning money, but he needs to pull his weight around the house. If you send him to the van, you will feel guilty, and two days later, or however long it takes you to cool off, you will forget what made you do that and take him in racked with guilt, because sending someone you love to sleep rough so to speak is not a good thing. The cycle continues. TALK to him, clearly , and set boundaries as to what is acceptable in your home and what is not. ie, gaming while he could be scouring the net for work is not acceptable while he is unemployed, unless he spent the whole day looking for work, IMO. He could be touching up his CV, calling contacts, reading the employment pages in the newspaper, ....

VestanPance

You want a family fair enough. Most people do.

Could you start a family with all the serious discussions that need to be made with someone you can't discuss serious issues with right now. If you have children there will be far more of that type of discussion than there are now to be had.

You can't mend this on your own. It needs two rational adults to sit down and talk through their problems.

londoner1998

Froom2 wrote: »

He shuts down completely. I've never come accross anything else like it. He literally will lie there with his arm over his eyes. Or sit on the sofa with a hand on his temple and eyes shut. For very long times sometimes. It is a literal shut down, there's no other way to describe it. He denies me any discussion at all and then when I ask him to discuss things or give me some acknowledgement, he tells me that I'm not letting him, that I'm not asking him anything, or that I'm not being logical.

It isn't bad communication, it is zero communication, it seems to me. And I have literally no Idea what to do next. I don't know how to mend things, or if I'm making things worse by worrying about it.

I don't want to be alone again, I want a family I don't want to spend another ten years looking for someone ;_; But obviously this one isn't working.

I used to have this problem with my husband, and it is a very effective way of manipulating you. He is provoking a reaction so that he doesn't have to do anything and when you finally react and lose your cool, tell you you are being unreasonable. Is that how it goes? If that is the case, again, don't play ball. That behaviour is childish and manipulative. Just say 'when you are ready to negage, will talk'. And leave it at that. Do your thing, do to work, to the gym , cook your food. And leave him to it. For me that's when we started the break the cycle and now this hardly happens. We learnt to communicate. I must add: it could be he just doesn't have the tools to communicate effectively with you in the middle of a conflict and so, he shuts down. My Husband once said ' I just don't have the words" and then it clicked- it is not that he didn't want to, is that he didn't know how to have a conversation about somethign that made him angry, sad or uncomfortable. I am not excusing it, but I am saying you need to go about this in a way that works and protects you. Try not to lose you temper, don't cry, don't give in. If you see yourself crumbling, walk away before losing it completely. If he doesn't engage, walk away. Keep yourself to yourself. Live your life. He might then notice something has changed. If he pretends nothing has happened, tell him (calmly) you still have an unfinished conversation that you feel is very important you take up again. Essentially you are giving him time to be ready. See what happens. This will not change overnight, but it can be worth exploring, if as you say you are not prepared to give up yet (which I respect). I did and since we have a much more stable relationship and when things get tight, I avoid arguing- I prefer to wait to cool off and then tackle it again.