Money woes of the other half

Froom2

Hiya,

I'm sort of moving a discussion I was having on a different part of the forum to here, where it fits a bit better now that the point of it has been made clear to me by some very helpful people.
(here: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3939179 )

So basically, my boyfriend is not good with money. He is unemployed, and supposedly looking for work. I believe he could be doing far more to get a job, but I lack the knowledge of how to teach him and broach the subject to him without nagging or him shutting down on me.

Essentially he seems to be quite happy for me to worry about all the money issues, and is not proactive about doing things to help more.
I have always been very careful with money, and my parents have always treated their marriage as a business (of course, while also loving each other very much, I just mean that they manage finances rather than letting finances just happen). I would like to live that way too because it has worked very well for them.

So I don't know how to teach him and I don't know how to motivate him. Sometimes he's really good, and he knows that he needs to get a job - he just hasn't. In the other thread, someone mentioned that with all I do, I'm probably not motivating him very much. Which is probably true... but if I just sit back and say to him 'this is your responsibility now' then it probably won't get done at all

I can ask him to fill in budget spreadsheets and things himself so he can see, but do you think it's possible to teach him so that he would do that himself?

He's doing a programming degree, and it's just occurred to me that maybe I could suggest to him that he tries to make a basic budget programme or something? Play to his interests?

Any ideas? It's also been suggested that I dump him, but he's lovely really... just feeling a bit knocked down coz he's not had a job handed to him on a plate I think. Which I can kind of understand because I've been in that state of mind before.

((The only other thing that concerns me is that I am trying to "fix" him... I am very confused if I should even bother trying. I don't know if this is teaching or fixing.))

Thank you,

~Froom~

pogofish

Sounds more like he is happilly sponging off you.

Emmzi

I have been you and you are trying to fix him. You can teach skills but not attitude and that is where the problem is.

All you can do is change *your* behaviour. Hmm. You don't want to be spending on him when you could be saving, do you?

Withdraw the generosity and see if he bucks up a bit.

choccybuttons

Hi

I have been in similar situation but I was married and just had our first baby when dh lost his job and was way too proud to take anything less than what he used to do. He stayed at home and looked after out child when I returned to work so earned his keep that way. TBH I don't know what I would have done otherwise (ie if no baby).

Ob you want to make it work. Could he study full time with the open university and get his degree quicker? Or even transfer his credits to a uni near you as might give his degree more weight (sorry open uni) and perhaps qualify for financial assistance. This would give him student status and doesn't seem as bad as being unemployed. I would focus on positives rather than berating and making both of you miserable. I give him thumbs up for studying as its more than my dh did in his 4 year 'career break'. What about getting him work experience in his degree area to see what kind of jobs are available once he finishes his degree.

From ou website 'Students in England may however be eligible for some means-tested support from the Access to Learning Fund to help cover the costs associated with study, such as childcare or internet costs.'

http://css2.open.ac.uk/fafcalculator/eligibility.aspx
have a look at this too.


I must admit I did start giving dh job advertisements out of the paper. I stuck to manly stuff (he is a skilled manual worker too) so warehouse jobs ect. He did apply for a few but had one interview and it put him off for life as he had never had a formal interview before. I never realise how much it frightened him, looking for a new job outside his comfort zone. No excuse of course and I got just as mad when he just didn't try.

btw dh now works and I handle all the money, pay all the bills, save etc. Im just good at it. He is happy enough to give me most of his wages and he keeps a bit as spending money. Not everyone's solution but works for us.

Caroline_a

What I see is that you are enabling him - I've been there too. So long as you pay for things, he only has to put up with a bit of nagging because he know you will take the responsibility! What do you pay for that's just for him? mobile? clothes? outings? certainly you are paying for all the electricity and gas he uses during the day when you are at work. You need to say to him that he now has to pay for all the 'him' stuff himself. If he can't pay, then tough. He'll have to sort out some money from somewhere.

He could easily do some plastering jobs if he put his mind to it, or failing that get a part time job in a bar. The longer you do this, the more you will pay and he will do nothing. In 10 years time what then? you will be resentful and bitter. He has to want the relationship to work enough to put something in. You cannot make him.

VfM4meplse

If couples are not on the same financial page, there will always be trouble. In this case there's an ocean of difference, and the chances of you changing a grown man's habits are pretty remote.

Ask yourself what he is bringing to the relationship, and whether it is worth sholdering the financial burden for.

paddy's_mum

There's been a similar thread to this by PazDeLaHuertaFan. You may wish to search for it since the similarities are striking.

attila_

pogofish wrote: »

Sounds more like he is happilly sponging off you.

I am missing the problem here?

Froom2

Caroline_a wrote: »

He has to want the relationship to work enough to put something in. You cannot make him.

I agree totally Thank you everyone for your replies.

I think that this weekend, with it being the first weekend of the month, would be a good time for me to sit down with him and discuss finances.
I'm going to spend this evening with a friend, I will see what she thinks too...

I know that he is sponging off me right now, it's why I'm so concerned. But he's a very smart guy, he hasn't got below 90% in his assignments so far, and has done most of the work he'll need to know next year already.. he really loves what he's doing. He's going to apply for a google internship in london, which would be really good. I will encourage him to find other companies locally that he could get some work experience with.

Choccybuttons your post was really really helpful, thank you! I will definitely find out about the support, although we spent a while trying to find what he's eligible for, he gets his fees paid and a little grant of about 200, and apparently in September he is able to get a new computer for free (which would be great because his current one is struggling with the programming he does).

Just to clarify,
I don't really give him any luxuries besides the van. I have only paid for one hair cut in six months, he doesn't get any toiletries apart from toothpaste and toothbrush (showergel was provided as christmas presents by father christmas hehe).
The few things I have bought him have been aimed at motivation. I bought him the paper he needed for his studies, I bought him some whey so that he is motivated to exercise (which we are, every day!) which should also help his state of mind, and then there's the essentials like laundry detergent (he's a boy, he hardly ever washes stuff lol).
He hasn't bought any new clothes and he doesn't ask for any.

He does look after the kitchen nicely, and almost every day he cooks and washes up for me, which I am grateful for (but also expect, as this is all he does to earn his keep).

So things are not entirely bad - I just think he can do more. If that makes sense.

I think I will always be the financial organiser, because I enjoy it and am good at it. But like you say, he has to want things to work and happen for there to be a chance.

So, I will encourage work experience, and will discuss things over the weekend.

Thank you everyone for your comments, it really is so helpful to hear how others have dealt in similar situations (I'll also look for that other thread).

~Froom~

19lottie82

Ask him how he would support himself if you weren't there. Whatever answer he gives, there is no reason why he can't do that now.

Froom2

Paddy's mum, thank you for pointing out that other thread - I just read it all the way through... Particularly the bit i've highlighted in your post I've quoted here:

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluebird
if he loved YOU he would be doing everything in his power to bring something to the table
I totally agree with this point of view. The 'something' could be anything that shows his love, gratitude and commitment whether that be having your dinner on the table, the lawn mowed, the bathroom wiped down, a hot water bottle in the bed...

What is actually happening is that you are being abused, demoralised, stolen from and s**t upon from a great height and you appear to be grateful to him for so doing.

You should be questioning yourself or this will simply get worse. Good luck.

I don't think things are nearly as bad for me as they were for this unfortunate soul, but you're right, it is very similar.
The bit I highlighted almost made me cry He doesn't do this, none of it. He's doesn't really comfort me when I'm feeling down apart from some absent-minded cuddling when I ask for it. Why should I have to ask for affection. Food is always done when it is convenient for him, not for me. When I ask him when we'll be eating he just says he's doing it soon. Everything has to be on his terms.

This is what has made me question whether he is with me because he says he loves me, or because it is easier than not being with me.

And the horrible thing is that I think I already know the answer.

I just really don't know how to deal with it, or what to do, or how to talk to him about it in a way that he will feel able to respond to and not just shut down.