Money woes of the other half

ktb

Froom2 wrote: »

.... I know it's morning and he's half asleep, but really... don't I deserve a better response than this? Even just saying no, I've got other things to do today would be fine. I told him that, and he still just said either No or nothing. He got very angry at one point and swore at me, telling me to leave him alone. I was very angry too. Shouting happened, and it went on about half an hour.

Wow.... this sounds like a conversation between a parent and teenager, not 2 adults supposedly in a grown up relationship. In my opinion he has been emasculated by his inability to find work and instead of stepping up and contributing in other ways, is wallowing and taking it out on you and as you are the one 'supporting' him, he has lost all respect for you and is demonstrating some serious resentment instead - what a catch!! :mad:

He sounds incredibly immature. I certainly wouldn't be putting up with being spoken to in that way, taken advantage of with zero sign of gratitude and carrying the load for such a selfish, immature human being. If I were you i'd get out before there any kids/serious commitments involved and things get a zillion times worse.

If you are intent of trying to make it work - then you need to make threats and be prepared to follow them through. You need to be prepared to lose him completely in order to achieve any positive change. If he feels your threats are empty, he will continue to treat you badly as you are providing a path of least resisitance for him - he is, and will continue, to take advantage of you whilst you allow it.

Froom2

I'm considering making him sleep in his stupid van tonight. Give him the spare duvet and tell him to stay out. So angry.

ktb, thank you for your reply.. very useful. I really do feel like a mother at the moment. I try to always take positives from things, and from this at least I am learning a few things for any teenagers I have in the future!!

I am reluctant to give up just yet, I really do see a lot of potential in him, and I know that he feels pretty down a lot of the time about not being able to find any work so far. I know quite a few people in the 'getting unemployed people back to work' business, and I've suggested to him that he emails his CV and a sample application to one of my friends for some advice, which he agreed to to give him some credit.

But it is hugely hard work, emotionally draining, and I feel like I am giving him so much support and get no support in return. I know that I am propping him up right now, and I don't know if morally I can drop him completely when he could do so much with his life. I know this isn't good for me, so I'm certainly going to start being harder on him.

I think the hardest thing for me to do is get my point accross to him as logically as I can... I feel like when I try to talk him all my points crumble and come to nothing at all. It's very frustrating.

Sambucus_Nigra

Froom2 wrote: »

I am reluctant to give up just yet, I really do see a lot of potential in him, and I know that he feels pretty down a lot of the time about not being able to find any work so far.

He can't be finding alot of work if he's in bed all day. It's hard to apply through the medium of 'quilt'.

When I was on the dole, I would get up and be ready for work in normal work clothes at 7:30-8 and by the time 9 came I had already trawled all the job sites and started putting applications in. I lasted 14 weeks before I found something.

Anyway - it's your life...I'm sure his potential will shine, one day. For someone. Just tell me again, how old is he because he sounds about 15?

Froom2

26.

I know, I'm being too soft on him it's hard though, he can be so lovely. I know that I'm falling into the fixing him trap.

Do you think it would be a good idea at this point, to start setting him targets for job applications every day, like they do at the job centre? And asking to see them and read them before he sends them off, or just ask for proof that he did send them? I don't know. I can't keep on like this. It's getting ridiculous.

I hope his cscs card comes through soon. That might help.

Sambucus_Nigra

Froom2 wrote: »

26.

I know, I'm being too soft on him it's hard though, he can be so lovely. I know that I'm falling into the fixing him trap.

Do you think it would be a good idea at this point, to start setting him targets for job applications every day, like they do at the job centre? And asking to see them and read them before he sends them off, or just ask for proof that he did send them? I don't know. I can't keep on like this. It's getting ridiculous.

I hope his cscs card comes through soon. That might help.

Setting him targets - only if you are his mommy. It is indeed ridiculous.
I know it's hard out there but he needs to chase for his CSCS card each day, be up and searching jobsites straight after making your breakfast and heating your soup for lunch, then stop for 11-ses and pop a wash on, do some dishes, back to it for 1-3, then start thinking about dinner, making dinner, doing the pots and then back to it for another job search between 7-8 to see if anything else has come online that day.

Aah, but he's cute right? And gives you those puppy dog eyes. Well, that's ok then

Mojisola

Froom2 wrote: »

Do you think it would be a good idea at this point, to start setting him targets for job applications every day, like they do at the job centre? And asking to see them and read them before he sends them off, or just ask for proof that he did send them?

Are you his GF or his Mum?

At the age he must be, I wouldn't even do this with my children. If they hadn't learnt to manage their own lives by now, they would need some serious tough love, not someone to micromanage their existence for them!

londoner1998

Froom2 wrote: »

26.

I know, I'm being too soft on him it's hard though, he can be so lovely. I know that I'm falling into the fixing him trap.

Do you think it would be a good idea at this point, to start setting him targets for job applications every day, like they do at the job centre? And asking to see them and read them before he sends them off, or just ask for proof that he did send them? I don't know. I can't keep on like this. It's getting ridiculous.

I hope his cscs card comes through soon. That might help.

Setting him targets? Asking to see the applications?? Ermmm.... no. What are you, his School Master? I don't mean to offend but I am not sure if you realise how far away you are going from what it should be a healthy relationship between two adults. Don't be his mother/teacher/supervisor. Please, don't, if he doesn't have the resilience and self-respect to do it himself, don't do it for him. You will exhaust yourself and he will resent you even more (although I personally wouldn't really care what he feels, he has to get on with it) . He has to find work and he must do it himself. He is an adult. You are an adult. Get on with your life and look after yourself. Tell him clearly he has to move quicker and get some decent job searching going. Give it a bit of time and if he doesn't respond, then you will know what you have to do. I think you are doing enough as it is, but to be honest, a lot of us are unemployed and like Sambubus Nigra said, the immense majority of us carry on and make the most of a carp situation: I get up with my husband or earlier most days, by 8.30 latest I am on the computer once he is gone and the kitchen is tidy. So far I have been having an interview a week for the past month and a half (been redundant since mid February) and turn down two jobs due to salary being paltry. I know it won't be long before I get hired if I continue like this. When I'm down, I go for a walk or talk to a friend or chat to my husband. We both are working together on it: I do more housework when he is working 15 hour days (like these two weeks) and he makes sure he doesn't miss freelance opportunities as he knows money is tight as it has to last. We even review finances together, even though this used to fill him with horror and always tried to avoid it. What I don't expect is that he finds me a job or refuse to do simple things for him when he is out of the house form 8 am until midnight. IT takes two to tango and you need to get the message out to him that he is not helping with that attitude.

C'mon, he shouldn't be your problem, not to this extent.
I hope you manage to get him to understand, but as others have said, you need to follow your words with actions...

londoner1998

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Setting him targets - only if you are his mommy. It is indeed ridiculous.
I know it's hard out there but he needs to chase for his CSCS card each day, be up and searching jobsites straight after making your breakfast and heating your soup for lunch, then stop for 11-ses and pop a wash on, do some dishes, back to it for 1-3, then start thinking about dinner, making dinner, doing the pots and then back to it for another job search between 7-8 to see if anything else has come online that day.

Aah, but he's cute right? And gives you those puppy dog eyes. Well, that's ok then

Spot on, Sambucus. I am cute too (and I am sure you are too), but that doesn't stop me making meals, putting laundries and sending CV's day in day out , as well pitching more on the house chores during the breaks and making sure the food goes a long way, because I know it is just fair as I am not working but husband is, and is hardly at home and knackered. For me it is all a part of the job searching process, all of it.

OP, it is his life he needs to take care of. You can help, not not do it form him when he barely tries.

ktb

Froom2 - YOU can't change his innate attitudes or get him to see things locially the way you do, only he can affect those changes and he has to want to do it! You will drive yourself mad & make yourself miserable trying.

You can put the wheels in motion to change the way he acts as your partner, as you hold all the power here! But as mentioned before, you need to be prepared to risk your relationship. However my view is that if it is worth saving it is worth risking .... and someone who wants to be your equal partner, in the true sense, will definitely buck up their ideas and listen if they honestly feel they are about to lose something they cherish and which really matters to them.

Why do you deserve anything less than that?

Also.... actions speak FAR louder than words. If for example he isnt prepared to do something himself to ensure that his van has tax/insurance don't bail him out. I realise he'll probably use the line "how am I supposed to find work without them?" but if he's not being proactive when YOU are covering them, what's the difference? I realise that you probably think the way you are acting is helping him - but actually you are just facilitating his immature behaviour and in turn doing yourself out of a fulfilling, respectful and equal relationship. Something has got to give.

The advice above along the lines of the 'tough-love' that is suggested as a way to deal with tricky teenagers .... :eek: ... you may need to accept that for the forseeable you are going to fulfil the role of Mummy to your boyfriend (eugh!!) Is that really how you want to live? No matter how 'lovely' he is, it sounds like a bit of a nightmare in my opinion.

Imagine he doesnt change - do you really want to be with this person in 5 or 10 years time?! You will both be miserable.....

Froom2

Thank you everyone, your posts really help me to see things clearer.

I hate it. I really really hate this situation. I spend so much time in my life trying to be fair to everyone, I bend over backwards to be fair even at my own expense. And when I say enough is enough, I'm usually in the wrong.

Not this time. This time I have had enough. I am going to put my foot down, and hard. I HAVE to look after myself, right? He owes me nearly 2000 pounds even being conservative with the estimate. How long will he owe me. It is not a fair relationship right now. He says to me sometimes, that he is not my slave. Well damn right he isn't, he is earning his keep.

Tonight he is down to raid (yes we are a gamer couple, but that is NOT the issue here) but I will catch him before he starts and tell him...
I'll tell him.. that um.. that how he behaved towards me this morning was in no way acceptable to me, and that I was upset, angry and disappointed about it. I will tell him that I expect more from him from now on, or he is going to move back with his mother. I am fine here - I have no debt, I have a flat I can afford on my own (one very wise thing I did when I moved here). I don't need him acting as a rock tied to my feet!!!

Either he bucks up or I go it alone until he grows up.

Do you think it would be a good or bad idea to show him this thread? I've not said anything here that he doesn't already know. And the way that you guys post is much more eloquent than I can come up with in the heat of the moment.

If he is expecting me to give up and start being meek then he has another thing coming. I have always been very independent, and things festering only serves to fuel my anger in almost every case I can remember.

*roars*