DSD hit by a car!

mishkanorman

Seanymph wrote: »

This thread is peopled by posters who are saying that a 16 year old who has been hit by someone negligently by all accounts has no responsibility to report the driver and yet you are surprised that I haven't reported someone who I'm told by a child is driving and has not had an accident and are therefore infering I have a responsibility to do that?

I find it surprising that somehow this child can choose herself whether or not to report this person and her right to do that is being heftily defended and daska is being accused of being interfering - yet the totally opposite viewpoint, that I have a resonsbility to report this person even though the 'news' is secondhand through children and I don't know her personally, and I don't know how often she is driving..

She is an adult - and IF she is driving is making that choice herself.

I have been told by her grandchildren - this woman is the mother of their deceased mother and she has little enough contact with her grandson who lives with me as it is, without me calling the police down on her and pointing the finger at her grandchildren as the informants.

I have no faith in a system that allows her to continue to drive - and suspect that reporting her would have no effect anyway.

She has three adult children, grandchildren, neighbours, friends - all of whom know far more about her life than me.

It does rankle, which is obviously why I posted it - I suspect my SD and SS are telling me what they have been told - but as to it's accuracy? Well I don't know - the grandmother is not above a bit of drama if it suits her by all accounts - But I know if she drove into a friend of any of my step kids they would pressure them not to report her because this is what they believe.

It may be that the consultant has since lifted the restriction - and she hasn't reported to the grandkids. Like I say, I don't know her, don't spend any time with her, and to be honest I'm not about to either.

I simply mooted it as an example about why a child may want to protect someone and not report an accident.

What was the point in even bringing it up then ? you dont know if ANY of its true, you could have just simply said perhaps they are covering up for someone.

You went into great detail about this woman to then backtrack and say 'nothing to do with me'

Sorry but even if I only suspected that someone was driving illegally I would be having a word with my local Police. What if your step children accepted a lift off her one day and the worst happened ? Not something I could let pass,

OP, I personally would be trying to find the driver who hit her, I have a feeling this will niggle you for some time to come !

daska

LOL at all the people telling me that I'm nagging, hassling and should back off that haven't read the bits where I assure them I'm not or choose to believe that I'm lying.

FACT: The sum total of the conversation on this subject with DSD was less than 2 minutes at the hospital, instigated by DSD's opening statement (upon our arrival) of "I'm not going to sue and nothing's going to change my mind." It was pointed out to her that if the injury were serious it should be pursued and that if the batty old women (not at that point identified as friend's granny) were a dangerous driver it might have been a lucky escape and the next victim might not be so lucky. She told us we were being f'ing stupid, then clammed up and the subject hasn't been raised with her since. A brief discussion between parents and grandparents as to how we would proceed if the injury turned out to be longer-lasting does not in any way constitute hassling, stirring, nagging, being 'in her face' or pressurising her. We are actually trying very hard not to do anything that will wreck any of her relationships with friends or family.

It's obvious that whatever the outcome there will be people on here that approve and disapprove. So, with the best will in the world I can't please all of you and I'm not going to worry about it.

Yes, it will niggle, and I think it won't be long before the identity of the driver becomes clear - something will come up in conversation that will make it obvious. At which point I suspect DSD's granny will be ringing friend's granny...

In the meantime, we're waiting to see how she is as she managed to avoid seeing anyone before she left yesterday morning (not particularly unusual or suspicious, it's a large house and her room's on the ground floor) and was staying with a friend last night (planned prior to the accident).

peachyprice

I can't believe the 'granny' hasn't been in touch to see how she is, purely out of courtesy. How bloody rude of her.

daska

peachyprice wrote: »

I can't believe the 'granny' hasn't been in touch to see how she is, purely out of courtesy. How bloody rude of her.

Thank you, yes, that had crossed our minds!

Tina20

Wow, what a lovely step mother you seem to be.

It doesn't matter how many times you bleat 'I didn't nag her!' You are online slagging her off, calling her self centered and selfish because she had some sort of accident but doesn't want a big deal made out of it.

You even said it was selfish of her because it would cost YOU money to look after her if she was badly hurt? What kind of parent says that?! 'You must sue the other person because I don't want to have to pay for your injuries'

No wonder the poor girl clammed up. I had moved out, had a car, flat and was self sufficient when I was 17. If my mother or step father had treated me like that at 16 I would have blown a gasket. She's perfectly capable of making her own decisions in this regard, have a little respect for her, instead of slagging her off online. And stalking her facebook?! Back off!

daska

Ah, OK, wrong end of the stick. The deal with DSD was that the training would be paid for on condition that she got a job and paid her 'spends' during the holiday. DSD's attitude yesterday was that it didn't matter if she was injured and couldn't do that, even if her recovery would be helped/speeded by getting physio etc through the insurance. If she were an independent adult that would be fine and dandy but given the 'facts' we were presented with at the time this did seem more than a tad selfish. She is literally just being signed off after a car accident last year which has required quite a bit of treatment so she's aware of the risks. But we weren't aware of the full situation.

She's 16 - how many aren't selfish and self-centred at that age? And she's lazy to boot - in fact even her granny who dotes on her and spoils her rotten says she's the laziest person she's ever met. She has some fantastic qualities and abilities as well, just that they weren't relevant to what I was writing. Do you really think she would still come to me for things if I was really as crap as you obviously think I am. I'm sorry you felt you had to move out, DSD knows she'll be supported financially for as long as she wants/needs, no question. But she needs to learn that contracts have to be honoured - that's just life, if you agree to do something in return then you do what you need to do to live up to your side of the bargain.

duchy

Wow
Most kids can be lazy and selfish (as can many adults) but I'm still struggling to see why she is selfish in this instance TBH. If she can't work -she can't earn -however the accident happened she has an injury and earning will depend on her recovery. That doesn't sound like laziness or selfishness it sounds like commonsense -that she has no idea how long she will take to heal at this point.

I don't think I'd ever describe my son in those terms in general conversation and certainly not to strangers.

You are talking about her as if she's a child -and frankly she isn't -and you really sound like you don't like her much and she's just a responsibility. I hope that's wrong and you're just irritated that she won't open up to you but I guess as she gets older she will censor what she feels is appropriate to share with you. I get the impression you are the family organizer and motivator somewhat -but you are coming across a bit OTT and controlling insisting you *will* find out and act.

No-one has said you're a crap mother/step mother/whatever but you're talking about her like she's nine years old not a young woman.

Tina20

daska wrote: »

I'm sorry you felt you had to move out, DSD knows she'll be supported financially for as long as she wants/needs, no question. But she needs to learn that contracts have to be honoured - that's just life, if you agree to do something in return then you do what you need to do to live up to your side of the bargain.

I didn't feel that I had to move out, I was an independant young woman who had no need to live with parents any longer. I loved living on my own.

My point it, she's not a child, she's a young woman. Give her more credit. You seem so frustrated and angry with her.
From what you are posting it seems you dislike her immensely and you seem really angry that you paid for this training and she had the gall to get injured, putting you out of pocket (I'm playing you a tiny violin btw)

duchy

As a matter of interest-did you pay for the training or did your ex ?

(Just trying to work out if you are outraged for yourself or someone else-You sound a lot like my cousin -she has stayed very involved with her step-daughters after she divorced their father -but it gets tricky as they get older and lines need to be redrawn to reflect the fact they aren't children and that's sometimes a hard habit for parents to break let alone step-parents or previous partners who were deeply involved previously. )

daska

Organiser and motivator yes, that is a role I fill nicely LOL. But if anyone does anything about this it will be granny because it's granny who paid out for the training on condition that gets a job during the holidays - she has in effect had an advance of several months worth of her allowance. And granny is distinctly unimpressed at the prospect of being tapped for more if friends granny is responsible for this. Is she a child to be indulged or an adult who needs to take full responsibility? Or perhaps she is, as we're approaching it, in that horrible mid-way stage where she believes she is an adult but doesn't realise that adopting that mantle means she has to consider the impact of her decisions and take responsibility for the outcome. I very much doubt that DSD will want to spend the summer holidays without any spending money but I also doubt she's actually considered that as a possibility.

And yes, I'm venting, but the anger is only about a certain aspect of her behaviour. She isn't treated as a child, there are house rules such as "if you want dinner/collecting late at night you have to tell us in the morning" but that's the rule for everyone.